Monday, September 20, 2010

Snappy September - Day Twenty One - Marauding Magpies

After yesterday's rather confronting photos, you deserve something nicer today.

Despite that, you're not going to get what you deserve; not today. Sorry.

Melbourne is the home of the Australian Football league and is the nation's footy town. Geelong and the Bulldogs have fallen by the wayside of third and fourth place and this coming Saturday we'll be seeing St Kilda fight for their lives against Collingwood.

Collingwood. The team that everyone loves to hate.

My father got a letter in the paper soon after the Adelaide Crows joined the AFL in 1991, saying, "We Crows fans have two teams we can barrack for. The Crows and whoever plays Collingwood."

But I'm in a dilemma, esteemed reader. One of my dear friends is a Collingwood supporter.

A rabid Collingwood supporter. So rabid she's sought - and received - approval from her boss in an academic publishing firm to dye her hair black and white.

Trouble is, I didn't know that when we first met. No, I was keen to find out who Mr P was. We bonded over our love of dogs, chocolate, Flemington and a laugh. She's cared for Milly when we've been on holiday, become a Litter Ninja and been a source of inspiration and insight to Sapphire. It wasn't until Tam felt like she could fully trust me that she told me she was a Collingwood supporter.

"That's OK," I said, patting her hand sympathetically. "We all have our crosses to bear. Mine is farting at inappropriate moments and laughing at people hurting themselves when they fall over....." We got through it and the awkwardness passed. It was a small aberration, one that was easily made up for by her other marvellous qualities.

This season, however, her Collingwood tendencies are showing. Stronger, blacker, whiter, brighter.

Love Chunks shudders when we walk past her gate to the shops but I steady his arm and say, "Come on dear heart. She's our friend and friends stick together in times of need and weakness.'

It was only with this noble intention that I forwarded Tam an email, with two words - 'except Tam' specifically included by me - always thinking of her feelings I am - in every line.

Q. Two Collingwood supporters except Tam jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter except Tam use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter except Tam?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter except Tam in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter except Tam cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter except Tam on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night that's not attended by Tam?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music or Tam as passenger- who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters that aren't Tam going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter except Tam with a job?
A. Big Mac please.


Chestnut Mare (& Bulldogs supporter) said...

Ha Friggin Ha, Kath. What a crack-up! She is so lucky to have such an understanding friend! I showed this to my equally challenged friend Julie this morning, but she was not as appreciative as your friend Tam...!!

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks, Chestnut - I've yet to work up the courage to let Tam know that she's the topic of today!

Tam van der Pie said...

Kath, Kath, Kath... you're too funny! By the way... we've added more to the house decorations and my Geelong partner has been MOST understanding of my affliction.
C'arn the Pies!!

River said...

Awww, what a cute little cottage. Pity it's full of magpies.

JahTeh said...

In reference to the last post (no I couldn't comment, too traumatised)you swore to us that chocolate was good for us so you shouldn't have all those ghastlies.

Now, congrats on the article in Sunday's Age. What a shame they didn't want a photo, you had so many to share.

Lad Litter said...

It's a dilemma, isn't it? There's always a Pies supporter who goes and spoils everything by masquerading effectively as a reasonable human being.

But look, I hate Carlton so much I dont have anything left for anyone else. So Collingwood: you're just ateam like any other! Maybe that's the ultimate insult.

And Kath, congrats on the excellent article in the Age at the weekend.

Elisabeth said...

I just asked my daughter why everybody hates Collingwood. She said something about their president Eddie Mcguire.

I don't support any football team myself. My husband 'pretends' to support Hawthorn, this from childhood, like his father before him. I say pretend because he does not get too upset whenever they lose, yet he enjoys a win.

As a child my brothers supported Collingwood. I liked the black and white colours and the magpie mascot and therefore decided Collingwood should be my team too, but I've never taken it seriously. Footy fanaticism puzzles me, but I respect other people's passion for it.

So I can share your concern for your friend, Tam and for any level of fanaticism, probably made worse because they're in the finals, aren't they?

Great photos.

Elisabeth said...

What about the article in Sunday's Age that JahTeh mentions. I haven't been reading newspapers of late, but if you wrote an article in the Age, Kath, I'd love to red it. Can you please post a link?

Kath Lockett said...

MORE decorations, Tam???

River, it is a cute cottage and I'm surprised that Daria the rottweiler hasn't killed all the Magpies but she's a friendly soul.

Good technique, Lad - be tepid about them. Maybe I should try that - the really dark brown and light beige team?

The article -

.... which will ensure that no yummy mummy parking her 4WD wearing skinny jeans and long boots will *ever* seek me out for a chat at the school gate.

Elisabeth the hatred goes far further and deeper than even Eddie Everywhere. You see octoganerians (sp?) with grudges going back to the second world war.

R.H. said...

Everyone hates Collingwood? What an invention, top cliche. Bring out a wagon and fools will hop on it.
I don't hate Collingwood, don't know anyone who does. Carlton is a different matter, from 1968 to 1974 Richmond had a mighty battle with them, they prevented us winning three Premierships in a row.
I don't hate Collingwood, on Saturday I'll be barracking for them.

deepkickgirl said...

I don't hate Collingwood per se, just any team that beats my Swannies. Therefore Collingwood qualify. But then so do the Saints. I don't care who wins, my main problem is that there will be a rabid Pies supporter watching the game at our home and win or loose it will be bad news for us hosts.

BTW LOVE the jokes and will be putting them to good use between now and Saturday. Thank you!

Kath Lockett said...

Ooooh, you're a stirrer, RH but you're right, when it comes to footy, if there's a bandwagon we'll jump on.

As an aside, how did that saying come about - jump on the bandwagon? Who were the original band, why were they on a wagon and where were they going?

Deep Kick Girl, never let it be said I don't serve some social purpose, even it's to annoy your friends on Saturday.

R.H. said...

I've never been a stirrer, wouldn't waste the time.
I don't know the origin of "jump on the bandwagon". I do know the pressure to conform.
Bandwagons are part of street parades, they're going nowhere, maybe that's it.

Tam van der Pie said...

See you tomorrow afternoon Kath?
WAIT till you see the house/hair combo!

R.H. said...

I don't really believe that's the explanation but it seemed suave at the time.

Kath Lockett said...

RH, your definition sounds pretty right to me.

I saw TAM yesterday with one half of her head white and the other black. Dare I venture over this afternoon to see what else she's done to her house?

R.H. said...

i'm not having success on this blog, my aim is to be witty.