Snappy September - Day Twenty One - Marauding Magpies
After yesterday's rather confronting photos, you deserve something nicer today.
Despite that, you're not going to get what you deserve; not today. Sorry.
Melbourne is the home of the Australian Football league and is the nation's footy town. Geelong and the Bulldogs have fallen by the wayside of third and fourth place and this coming Saturday we'll be seeing St Kilda fight for their lives against Collingwood.
Collingwood. The team that everyone loves to hate.
My father got a letter in the paper soon after the Adelaide Crows joined the AFL in 1991, saying, "We Crows fans have two teams we can barrack for. The Crows and whoever plays Collingwood."
But I'm in a dilemma, esteemed reader. One of my dear friends is a Collingwood supporter.
A rabid Collingwood supporter. So rabid she's sought - and received - approval from her boss in an academic publishing firm to dye her hair black and white.
Trouble is, I didn't know that when we first met. No, I was keen to find out who Mr P was. We bonded over our love of dogs, chocolate, Flemington and a laugh. She's cared for Milly when we've been on holiday, become a Litter Ninja and been a source of inspiration and insight to Sapphire. It wasn't until Tam felt like she could fully trust me that she told me she was a Collingwood supporter.
"That's OK," I said, patting her hand sympathetically. "We all have our crosses to bear. Mine is farting at inappropriate moments and laughing at people hurting themselves when they fall over....." We got through it and the awkwardness passed. It was a small aberration, one that was easily made up for by her other marvellous qualities.
This season, however, her Collingwood tendencies are showing. Stronger, blacker, whiter, brighter.
Love Chunks shudders when we walk past her gate to the shops but I steady his arm and say, "Come on dear heart. She's our friend and friends stick together in times of need and weakness.'
It was only with this noble intention that I forwarded Tam an email, with two words - 'except Tam' specifically included by me - always thinking of her feelings I am - in every line.
Q. Two Collingwood supporters except Tam jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter except Tam use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter except Tam?
Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter except Tam in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter except Tam cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter except Tam on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night that's not attended by Tam?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music or Tam as passenger- who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters that aren't Tam going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.
Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter except Tam with a job?
A. Big Mac please.