Thursday, November 05, 2009

Knowledge November - Day 6 - Fartin' Fridays

Normally, bottom humor is reserved for the males of our species, but not in this house. Love Chunks, a proud male who enjoys burping, the footy and food, is most definitely not a public or proud farter. He uses the modus operandi of the tooth fairy - we're pretty sure it happens, but have never actually seen or experienced it directly ourselves.

My butt-blasts are slightly less pristine, but most likely are more normal. My method is less Tooth Fairy and more the Tasmanian Tiger - we know that it exists, but anyone who was around to witness it is now crazy, dead or both.

Pregnancy was the exception in my case. I merely had to bend over without giving my ever-increasing body five minutes notice and a quick-but-loud 'Parrp!' would erupt. My poor work mates got sick and tired of my weak, "Oh dear, was it worth the two minutes of fun in Malaysia" line after its seventh uttering during the same meeting. When I was sitting still. If I was ever in the photocopying room loading the second tray with paper they'd stick an 'ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK' sign on the door frame.

Sapphire, unfortunately, has the farting habits of a bogan's 1987 commodore - in your face, frequently loud and very proud. All she's missing is the backwards baseball cap, pounding Doof Doof music and the 'I'm Naked From the Waist Down' bumper sticker on her back.

Despite being raised by two extremely intelligent, kindly, supportive and well-mannered parents, the hidden Benny Hill gene seems to have established itself with about as much delicacy as a moose on a music stand. She may be the brightest in her class and have the ability to read a novel in one sitting but give her the opportunity to force out a fart and she's laughing so hard I can't tell where the joyous tears end and the snot trails begin.

I blame my brother David. I've mentioned before that my younger pest/turkey /brother would derive endless amusement from letting a ripsnorter off right in my face whilst I was ensconced in our huge velvet beanbag watching 'Mork and Mindy'. He and his easily-satisfied cackling laughter were long gone by the time I angrily struggled out of the bag and onto my feet.

He shared a room with me until I was ten, because older - and much stronger - older brother Rob wasn't a good sleeper and didn't tolerate Dave's regular night time asthma attacks with much sympathy. I merely slept through them unless Dave was coming off the Ventolin high and decided to treat himself - and me, only two metres away - to a few doona lifters and giggles. At that stage of my life, I learned early that farting and boys naturally go together like Ape and S**t.

When these sad scenes of childhood suffering are relayed back to Sapphire, she laughs in genuine merriment and admiration. Or should it be described as wicked delight, because she has a laugh that only emerges when Farts, Fluffs, Pop-offs, Bums, Butts, Snot, Boogers, Poos, Willies and Wees are mentioned, preferably in the same story.

Friday nights are the worst. Sapphire's had a busy and eventful week at school and LC and I have had our big weeks at work (yes, 'home' is indeed my workplace but with more loads of washing at break times instead of chats in the staff kitchen). If we don't have plans, we tend to flop out on the lounge and feel the lethargy and tiredness attack us from all fronts.

This increased state of relaxation clearly tempts Sapphire's sphincter section to let more than a few dozen go, echoing the rumble of the trams outside.
"For gods' sake Sapphire, stop doing that or you can go and sit in your room!"

Even Milly is roused from her sleep at our feet, and stares at Sapphire reproachfully. "See? You know you're being revolting when even the dog is annoyed!"

Sapphire laughs so hard that LC looks at her with concern, wondering if her chocolate milk or even a lung is going to come out of her nose and flop like a caught fish on the coffee table in front of us.

"Sapphire," I say quietly, trying another angle, "Do you do these at school?"
"Of course not Mum," she snorts, as if I'm a complete idiot.
"Then why do you do them here at home?"

Again, the 'Mum, You're A Total Mental Pgymy' look in response. "Because I'm at HOME. I can do what I like at home. I spend all day squashing 'em and pushing 'em back up and at home I can let 'em out. It's funny! Plus, I can't help it....." she trailed off, looking at me with her huge, innocent blue eyes that I forever feel as though I could jump into.

"But do Dad and I ever do it to you?"
"No, but Dad NEVER does them. YOU do them to Dad at night time, 'cos he told me," she said, her giggles starting up again. Then a new thought enters her head, and she snaps her head back to me, looking worried. "Mum, you're not going to tell anyone at school, are you?"

Hah, now I've got her! "Well that all depends...... wouldn't the boys in your class want to know about it?"

Sapphire's face wrestles with the conflicting humour of the idea and the sheer horror of its reality. "NO! It would be embarrassing! Josh and Lachie do them all the time and us girls just roll our eyes and say how unsophisticated they are."

I pause, remembering that this is what I told her to say when said boys continued to thump her in the arm and run away, hoping she'll chase after them. She'd come home feeling frustrated, asking me why they did it to her all the time. "Oh boys are very unsophisticated creatures," I said. After explaining to her what unsophisticated meant, she took the explanation to heart, and has used it ever since to account for any bit of silly boy behaviour she's endured.

"OK, it would be embarrassing for you, but is it fair for poor Dad and I to have to put up your pop-offs and their terrible stench---"
"Hey Mum, I can't help how they smell. If I could make nice like our rose toilet spray, I would you know."

It was my turn to laugh. "Fair enough, but you've got to stop playing it up, and you should only do them when you're on your own because it's a bad habit that will soon make you very unpopular. Besides," I added, in what I thought was an added 'load her down with the weight of fairness and dignity' flourish, "When have I ever shoved any of my bad habits in front of you?"

Oh dear, it was too late to retract that last, pompous utternance.

"Well," she shot back, with the beginnings of another wicked giggle session, "What about when I hear you blow your nose in the shower; or when you farted as you emptied the bins outside and then it followed you in? No, Mum don't interrupt me - what about when you kiss the dog and then try and kiss me straight after, or those times when Dad can't believe that you still use the big drawer to frisbee the tupperware lids into instead of stacking them; or when you get dressed into your tracksuit and ugg boots for work and don't put your bra back on and when you always lick the peanut butter off the knife ------"

"Er, OK sweetie, you've made your point. Perhaps I'll just move over to the other sofa where I'm closer to the open door...."


lc said...

Two minutes?!

Puhlease: 2.5 at least, counting preliminaries.

drb said...

Cut out gluten, cut out gas for me....
Worth considering...

Karen Fayeth said...

Oh there's a lot of hilarious in that post! Good stuff.

Bad news, I'm 40, and farts are still hilarious to me. My husband is less than amused.....

River said...

@Sapphire:-licking the peanut butter off the knife is PERFECTLY acceptable, as is frisbeeing the tupperware lids.
And wouldn't it be great if we could "make like a rose." The air freshener companies would go out of business......

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes to farting. There is nothing better than letting one rip yourself but when others do it, I mutate into some kind of holier than though "How dare you do that in public" idiot.

Mrs PM always judges relationships based on whether they have passed "the fart barrier".

For example, one of her friends had been going out with a guy for around six months. We went on holiday with them and, when her man wasn't around, Mrs PM asked "Have you crossed the fart barrier?". Her friend was horrified and said "No - I couldn't fart in front of him."

Later, she said to me - "it'll never last."

It didn't. "See I told you," she said when I debated this issue with her.

She must love me because I think the fart barrier was crossed within ten minutes of the first date. When I say "crossed" I mean "bounded over".




Kath Lockett said...

LC sweetie, trust *you* to notice that one tiny throwaway line!

drb, gluten you say - I might have to, if Love Chunks ever moves out of the bedroom and takes the doona with him!

Karen Fayeth - farts will ALWAYS be hilarious, always. When I'm 90 and in a nursing home with very few marbles left in my head, I just know I'll be cackling at the lack of bodily control of myself and my inmates.....

River - thank you for that. Sapphire is such a young nanna at times!

I like the way Mrs Plastic thinks - the fart barrier is the perfect way to move from 'I'm still trying my hardest to impress you so I can't relax just yet' to 'better out than in!'

Mele said...

Once, not too long ago, I actually turned to Franzy and said: 'What is it with Kath's obsession about farting? It's always appearing in her blog!'

WHY, Kath, WHY???

After having lived with THREE brothers who revelled in pissing off their sister with butt blasts, I have post traumatic nostril stress. I have wished 'fart karma' on them, but I don't drink enough beer or eat enough KFC to deliver the most evil of goods.

Charlie frequently smells bad. And they are not smells any mother could love. Perhaps he can take inspiration from Sapphire, who is continuing the true 'circle of life'.

Kath Lockett said...

Ah, young Mele.

Mele, Mele, Mele....! You see, for many years - right up until my late twenties - I had both my butt-blasting brothers believing that girls didn't fart. Truly.

They'd never seen it, heard it or smelled it and they actually believe me.

I blame Love Chunks for the release of my inhibitions and consider that I'm just making up for twenty years or so of repression. It's not that I actively let 'em go or celebrate it, but they do seem to edge themselves out at inopportune moments that seem to be on the increase and instead of dropping under the table in shame I might as well crack a joke about it!

That said, if Love Chunks let's go of a rare but memorable rattling burp, I automatically say, "Love Chunks! That's disgusting!"

As for your young baby's nappy contents yes - Sapphire's weren't ones that a mother could love either. Excrement is excrement, but farting is sneakier, less messy and somehow funnier.....