Thursday, November 12, 2009

Knowledge November - Day 13 - My Beholders




















I'm still a bloke magnet

.... for the steak and lamb butchers at the Queen Vic Market: "Come over here darlin', I've got legs on sale that are even better than yours!"

.... for fat fifty-something guys driving white delivery vans: "Nice knockers for an old chick."

....for my local postie (as he handed me over my fifth parcel of chocolate samples): "I reckon that you could be my ideal woman."

.... for the toothless drunk who sits on the park bench by the railway station: "ShowushyertitshSchweetie, c'mere"

.... for male dogs who like to demonstrate their animal attraction against my leg or by actively sniffing my bum when I crouch down to pat them

.... for four year old boys who enjoy my fart jokes and, when visiting my house for the first time, rush into the bathroom and yell, "WOWee you've got toothbrushes that PLUG into the WALL!"

.... for anyone reeking of stale cigarettes and vodka but needing $2 to take the bus home

.... for Rain-Men in nipple-grazing high-pants who like to chat on trams. "I live by myself now you know, which is why I've got this shopping cart here, see?"

.... for old security guys temporarily plucked out of retirement who left their specs at home and insist on seeing ID before I can buy a champers at the races "Yer a spring chicken, yes you are love."

.... for the rotund bloke in the straining, too-small ACDC t-shirt who smokes on the balcony of the second floor flat next door and sees me burst out of the shed after my run; huffing, puffing and sweating profusely. "Morning mate, well done," and gives me the thumbs up signal.

.... for Love Chunks.

He leaves for an overseas work trip to France today and refused to let me come along as his 'other' and share his accommodation (of course I'd pay for the flight and sort out care for Sapphire and Milly and Skipper) because he's worried about abusing his travel privileges and the taxpayer dollar.

I'm frustrated at this sedate stance that sets him apart from nearly everyone else I know who travels for work (including everyone else attending the same conference that he is) and jealous about the location he's visiting (Toulouse) and sad when I realise that my own self-preserving career choices mean that generously funded-trips are never going to feature in my future so I snort and call him a POG which stands for Pompous Old Git and only partly mean it as a joke yet I'm already aching at the thought of him not being here with me for a week or so and miss his strong arms, smell, feel, voice, eyes, POGgy humour.........

17 comments:

Jilly said...

Yeah, I hate that too - Kent is so 'right', too scared to take a risk with anything - like when I made Will act as a 3 year old (when he had just turned 4) so I could get him into Seaworld for free (saving something like $35 no less). All it took was popping him onto my hip, shoving a dummy in his mouth, telling him this was the last time I would ask him to 'pretend' to be 3 (bad mother, poor child he was so happy to be finally 4) and walked straight in (important to keep a very innocent face). Of course Kent wouldn't even walk through with me for fear that they would see the guilt on his face and we would be caught. A few little 'wins' like this is exciting I reckon. But, I acknowledge that there have to be a few 'by the book' honest people out there. xxx

Jilly said...

Kath, that has to be the worst photo of you I have ever seen!!! You are much more attractive that that - really!! What are you thinking posting that for the world to see....

Cat J B said...

Aww Kath, they all love you! Don't you think sometimes one of those comments can make your morning? Maybe not the "ShowushyertitshSchweetie" one though....

That photo is a keeper, as is the one of LC, he does look very lovable.

drb said...

Is running for MP or PM on LC's agenda?

Can't see how that will affect his track record when you are paying your own fare and doing all the hardwork of visiting places while he is sitting comfortably the whole day in an air-con room with regular tea and coffee break...

Sapph can be plonked at our place if you going. Dont worry about her, her time will come she backpacking on her working holidays...

franzy said...

Don't worry, a spouse who is hilariously incapable of deception is worth a trip to Toulouse ...

ps. AHA! Vodka doesn't have a smell.

Rowe said...

Love the photo of you, Kath. I disagree with Jilly, you look great and not unattractive at all. Mr Love Chunks is an okay looking sort, too. Maybe time to invite all your girlfriends around while he is gone to keep you company. Too bad you could not go with him.

River said...

People are drawn to you because you have that "I love life" vibe coming from you. You're happy and it shows. Maybe you could pack yourself into one of LC's suitcases? Or at the very least he could bring you back an amazing souvenier and some fabulous photographs.

The Man at the Pub said...

Awww, how sweet. Spare us the origins of his nickname though.

And Franzy, vodka does not have a smell, but it does when it's oozing out the pores of the great unwashed.

Lorna Lilo said...

I think you should have gone to France. Is it too late to call the airport and report him as a terrorist just to hold the plane until you arrive?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

My days of being a babe magnet are long gone. No, scratch that - I've NEVER been a babe magnet.

On travel, it's usually me who ends up flying overseas on business so the boot is on the other foot, I guess. It sounds glamorous but 99% of the time it isn't. As I get older I just want to stay at home. I would love to take Mrs PM every time.

Anyway - another cracking photo. Perhaps you could sneak a copy of it in LC's luggage.

:-)

Cheers

PM

paul said...

Ha! abuse his traveling privileges? Whatever! your paying your own way love and so what if you split his bill.. its still being paid for by the company.. its just that he wont have any left over... love the pic by the way =P

Helen said...

You should definitely avoid a trip to South africa - most of us get proposed to by car guards and hat-salesmen at traffic lights, i think yoou'd have a pied-piper effect!

And at least now you can beg even harder for the next trip!

JahTeh said...

I really feel for you Kath. You'll have to eat all of those chocolates for the reviews without LC's help.

Baino said...

Awww what's the harm in sharing accommodation that's already paid for? It's not like your rorting anything. He's so straighty one eighty! I get the drunks and druggies too but they're not interested in my tits . . just my fags!

Kath Lockett said...

Ah Jilly, your 'deception' was most definitely worth it and unless Will discusses it in therapy when he's older, you'll be fine. Oh and trust me, that is NOT the worst photo of me - the worst ones are *always* the ones where I try to pose nicely and somehow one of my eyes is half-closed in that 'I am on drugs' look, or my double chin is on show, or a zit catches the flash....

CatJB, I should see the bright side of it, I guess but when the bloke in the white delivery fan is Fifty Five and FAT, it does tend to deflate me somewhat....

Drb - Thanks for all of that. Yep, I'm married to Mr Stickler, but I'll keep working on him, esp if it's a good locale for the next conference.

Thanks Franzy - vodka does have a smell in my opinion - I have a large nose that actually also seems to work as well as its proportion. Vodka seeps out of pores and is really noticeable.

Rowe, the 'girlfriends' today are Sapph and her mate Juliet as we head to the local pool

Thanks River. I did get him to agree to finding any interesting French chocolate and bringing it back, so he'd be in my good books if he remembers to do that.

See Franzy - Man at the Pub agrees with me, and he's from a PUB.

Lorna your idea occurred to me, but the thought of chocolate calmed me somewhat.....

Plastic Mancunian, yes, I should have put that photo in his suitcase so that he'd open it, shudder and go, "CHRIST! I might extend my stay over here for another eleven months..."

Thank you Paul, the picture is one of my best :)

Helen I have a feeling that some of those South African 'Deliverance' farmers you've been meeting might me mesmerised by my photo and keep pestering you for an introduction....

JahTeh, you're right. And last night - my first alone without him - I somehow tried Lindt's dark raspberry and dark orange Christmas-themed Lindor balls :)

Baino, by 'fags' I assume you mean cigarettes and not the bloke who's standing alongside you smoking as well??

lc said...

There's not a problem with you coming along, it's just that, if you did, I'd want to extend the trip so I'd get to see some of it with you and that's where it gets tricky.

I would love for you to be here.

Cat J B said...

Aww Kath, he's so sweet! I want one!