Sunday, November 29, 2009

Knowledge November - Day 30 - Willing Wounds

It is sad and deflating to realise that at the ages of 41 and 42 respectively, my husband Love Chunks and I still feel the pain of knowing that someone doesn’t like us.

Despite all the ‘I don’t care what they think about us, rhetoric and the ‘They don't know us at all’ throw-away lines, the realisation that someone doesn’t like us really hurts.

We’ve both also found out the hard way that being brave and speaking out, tackling the ‘Why are you behaving this way?’ or ‘What have we done that we can change to make things right again?’ hard questions invariably blows up in our perplexed faces. We’re the ones who end up looking like the troublemakers when we are clearly expected to keep the peace and put up with the shabby treatment.

A lot of the dislike we receive is via perception and feeling and atmosphere. As per Knowledge November Day 26
unlike the movies, rarely are disputes aired openly in real life; they’re instead done via sneaky manoeuvres that make it hard for the accuser (or ‘The Disliked’ as we find ourselves being) to actually describe specifically. This is just as common at work as it is in personal life.

I'd originally put a few examples here of what our Disliker had done, but they're mostly done well enough to be 'hidden' from anyone else present and look trivial when put in cold, hard writing. The Disliker knows what they're doing and knows that we know, and that seems to be enough. For now.


All that Love Chunks and I really accept is that there’s nothing we’ve done to be ashamed of. We’ve been hospitable, friendly, provided a fantastic meal, conversation, a spankingly-clean home (my hands are scaly dry from forgoing gloves when scrubbing the bathroom, toilet, kitchen and laundry) and done our damnedest to ask about The Disliker's life.

It is a particularly bittersweet trap to be caught in: calling them on their recent rather rude behaviour will just get them defensive and claim that we’re trying to cause a drama, are obsessed with finding fault or won’t let bygones be bygones. We’ve both apologised before for real and perceived slights and already feel as though we’ve been the more generous and open party in this desperate little duel.

LC and I have decided not to say anything. The next gathering we meet at will certainly be interesting, but there’ll be other friends, family, food and fun times to work our way around without having to bump up against each other too often. We've decided that 'say and do nothing' is the tactic we'll use. For now.


Behind me, the sliding door opened as I was sitting at the table reading the paper. LC was outside cleaning the BBQ and tapped me on the shoulder.
“Let’s face it Kath, we can’t stand the fact that someone doesn’t like us.”

He’s right. Who does?

18 comments:

franzy said...

Allow me to quote from one of the fine films by Marky Mark Wahlberg. The Big Hit is a heart-warming spoof comedy about a team of assassins. I will not ruin the epic venture for you, suffice to say that in a typically delightful scene, Marky Mark and Lou Diamond Phillips are knocking heads and ready to enter into act two. Lou, exasperated, asks Marky what his major malfunction is. Marky tearfully admits that he can't bear the thought of anyone not liking him.
Lou retorts: "I've got news for you: the hundred or so people you've killed in the last five years all have families who probably don't think too highly of you."

Moral of the story: get on with your life and don't assassinate people with families.

Either that, or your resident hater is jealous of your success. Think about it: hot hubby who cooks, gorgeous daughter who plays the violin, inner-city pad, writing career on the go, polite dog, way with words, breast milk on demand and you're inviting them around and rubbing it in their faces?!?!?

And besides, if they're the sort of weirdo who doesn't like your kind person, shouldn't you be a bit relieved that they don't like you?

Anonymous said...

They sound like good people to keep away from to me! It's too exhausting to be friends with people who feel slighted at every turn. You've shown them your hospitality and thus have come up on top. Let it, or them, go would be my opinion!

Kath Lockett said...

Franzy now you're making me cry. And smile.

Thanks Anon - 'exhausting' is certainly the best way to describe it.

franzy said...

Life is too short for vexacious persons. Cut them loose.

River said...

Someone doesn't like you? How terribly rude of them. Ignore eveything else, be as nice as pie face to face, at the same time try to avoid being at social occasions where these people (this person?) will be. Do you know why they don't like you?
I'm one of those who doesn't care too much if others don't like me. I have plenty of friends and don't need the whole world. I like being alone anyway, I've always preferred it, being the socially awkward creature that I am.

River said...

P.S. WEAR GLOVES WHEN CLEANING THE LOO!! And use copius amounts of hand cream after.

lc said...

Ah, don't forget the paradoxical nature of human relationships and kinships, in which it's possible to love and yet not like and to be loved but not liked.

It'll be sorted...eventually...for the good...I hope.

"hot hubby who cooks"?! You and I both know you're mouthing the words of someone else, Franzy but why sow seeds of doubt so carelessly or, should I say, with such gay abandon?

Lorna Lilo said...

You sure I can't assassinate them?

Rowe said...

All too true, Kath. It does hurt when you feel disliked by others, it hurts more than we will bravely admit. But, that is life, I have come to realise, unfortunately. We don't like everyone and not everyone likes us. Ouch. May I just say that I like you and your lovely little nuclear family. I think you are really spesh, xx.

ashleigh said...

Oh Aye. (again). A cross I think we all have to bear from time to time.

A bit like dealing with all variety of evil ones, distance is good. (Life is, after all, too short for both bad wine and this kind of crapulence.)

If they be relatives, then a certain amount of teeth gritting is required, sadly. Otherwise... get busy on something else and remember then in... oh... 20 years or so.

Helen said...

And people wonder why I have a sword...

there is nothing worse than when that happens and you can't figure out why!

Baino said...

OF course we all want to be liked. We're social creatures after all. You just have to develop a teflon coating. I've managed to get half way there with the troll bitch from Hell. The woman deserves a medal for continuing her hateful charade. She still treats me like shit but I'm ignoring it, doing my work perfectly, humming through my day . . I'm dying inside mind and hoping she still ends up in a coma with a nasty itch!

Karen Fayeth said...

It's a terrible thing when someone else's insecurity is showing.

That's all it is, their own load of demons dancing around in their mind.

Rise above! You are stronger than those who try to drag you down!

Fabulous post, by the way. Talking about it takes the power out of it!

nuttynoton said...

we live life and S--t happens, remember the important things, life is to short to hate or be hated so enjoy life and the hater will suffer more

Kath Lockett said...

I know, there's two things I've learned:
* wear gloves when cleaning the loo, even if they're clammily wet and squishy when I peel them on; and
* realise that we all feel hurt when someone makes it obvious that they don't like us but Rowe has it right: I'm so grateful for my 'lovely little nuclear family'.

Thanks

lc said...

Even though the keeping of exotic pets is not advisable, I'm grateful to have a tiger in my corner...

lc said...

BTW: Your "respectively" currently attributes an additional year to yourself and relieves me of one...

Deep Kick Girl said...

For what it's worth, I can't imagine anyone not liking you guys. You are some of the most likable people we know.

Therefore I firmly believe it's not you, it's them.