Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Knowledge November - Day 5 - My one and only dietary rule

.... is this: One good food eaten immediately before or after a bad food will completely eradicate the bad.

Don't pretend that you don't understand my logic because we all do it: inhale a king-sized KitKat chunky and follow it with an orange. Ta Da, you've eaten nothing! The vitamins, minerals and overall goodness of the fruit has effectively cancelled out the evil fats, sugars and carbs of the chocolate.

If those poor, award-wage, fifteen year old whopper wallahs at Hungry Fats and Maccas got a cent for every person who ordered a diet coke with their Whopper/Double Quarter Pounder/Large Fries/Grand Artery/Triple Fudge/Finger Lickin'/Deep Dish/ Fully- Fried Meal Deal deluxes, they'd be kicking James Packer out for not being wealthy enough.

I know that I'm not the only Foolish Foodie Hypocrite in this world - that diet coke tap isn't on constant drip for my purposes only you know. Last week I was enjoying a coffee with my visiting parents at a cafe near our house and Mum ever-so-helpfully noted that my pick-me-up of choice - a skinny latte - was accompanied by two melting moments. Yes, those pesky three grams of milk fat were to be avoided like a department store bra fitting if I was to fully appreciate my 50% butter biscuits.

Another method of using this food combining, self-delusional dietary system to your advantage - especially when time is of the essence and your cravings are not to be ignored - is to incorporate both the good and the bad in the same food item.

The berry flan is one such notable item. It is ridiculously easy to order a hefty slice of this delightful dessert, saying something out loud to your friend like, "Ooooh, fresh berries, my favourite! I'll definitely have this one."

Never mind that said fruits are only a stingy layer covering up a brick-thick wedge of cream-laden, full-fat cheesecake which again rests on top of the crushed butter'n'biscuit base. That's just what we all need - the calorific content of the biscuits to be doubled by crushing them up and resticking them together with butter.

But hey, you had at least three mouthfuls of berries, didn't you?

Another personal favourite is the Sunday roast. It all looks and sounds so good in theory: mouth-wateringly roasted meats (with the fats dripped off onto the rack underneath) with an array of delicately steamed and oven-cooked vegetables. All of which is immediately cancelled out by the salty, oily and delicious gravy that is poured over your plate until no colour is visible except brown. Made entirely from the fats swimming in the bottom of the roasting dish of course. However, you need to remind yourself - you did eat three brussels sprouts and half a parsnip, didn't you?

As I was drafting this I applied the theory in relation to beverages, alcoholic ones in particular. My gin and (of course) diet tonic was strictly medicinal because the fresh lemon juice in it is helping my current bout of the sniffles. I'm not the only one in our household who likes to cling precariously to this threadbare theory. My darling Love Chunks has frequently argued that the 'glass of red wine per day' is good for the heart plus it's chock-full of grape juice. What more could a hard workin' family man ask for. (Apart from a Jennifer Aniston and Angeline Jolie menage-a-trois inside his million dollar marlin fishing yacht but that's not for this blog).

Naturally, as I enjoy seeing Bear Grylls fight for survival in the SBS documentary 'Man vs Wild' by wearing his boxers on his head and drinking his own urine (again), the the fat content of the four rows of Nestle Club Dark I will undoubtedly inhale will be nullified by my merely witnessing his strenous, death-defying efforts and reaching down to pat the dog and resume my knittng.

But does my daring dietary theory actually work? I'd like to think so, at least in my very own KathLand. In hard, cold reality however I still seem to have love handles that you could gather up and tie in a bow behind my back.


deepkickgirl said...

Right on the money there! I always have a giggle at my own ridiculousness when I order a skim cap with an artificial sweeneter and then enjoy it with a slice of cake or a donut or have diet coke (caffeine free to boot) with my junk food of choice.

Probably it's years of habit but I do genuinely prefer the taste of diet coke and certainly the taste of "lite" milk as opposed to the full cream variety.

It's pretty funny, these little mind games we play with ourselves.

Cinema Minima said...

I always choose the doughnut with purple in the middle. Purple is a fruit.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

i felt a bit guilty last night drinking my champagne cocktail. if only it had had a strawberry floating in it, then i could have had at least 3 glasses of the stuff.

River said...

I don't order skinny or diet anything. It's full flavour (fat) or water for me. But I do cheat on my "diet", (ha ha, when did I last diet?), by making my own desserts. That way I can justify eating more dessert more often because homemade doen't contain all those preservatives and compounded fats etc, just wholesome fresh ingredients.......Well, that's my excuse anyway, and I did eat all that broccoli, brussels sprouts, peas, sweetcorn.........

Rowe said...

Well, it's been quite a few years now since I ate, regularly, raw cabbage and miso paste on wholegrain bread for lunch, followed by a piece of fruit 'dessert'.

Kath Lockett said...

DKG, I'm about to have a glass of diet tonic with my gin and include a wedge of lemon .... before diving into some chocolate!

Pub Man, I like the way you think.

Projectivist, I was at Oaks Day today and had enough berries to cancel out yours and my champagne, *hic*

River, you too have the right way of looking at it - homemade is instantly more noble and the effort involved removes all calorific content (yes, even if it's just peeling the metal bit that's underneath the Milo tin; it all counts).

Rowe - start it again. We all need 'fruit' occasionally - or every day - don't we?

Anonymous said...

I'm joining your club.

I expect a medal for ordering a 'skinny' latte with a giant muffin.
Who am I kidding?!! Oh, that'll be me.
Just as well I'm blogging myself thin. The healthy diet is a delusion!

myninjacockle said...

How dare you say oil soaked roasts are unhealthy.

'Cause they aren't. They're as good as the three bottles of couth syrup I consume daily.

It's medicine,

B said...

Mmmm, that fruit tart thing looks yummy!

Baino said...

Can't stand people who order a 'why bother' skim, decaf latte with Equal! And you do not have love handles!

Anonymous said...

what really annoys me is while you are trying to be good and limit your intake those really thin people stuff themselves eat a lot more than you and still remain thin, oh well back to the red wine and chocolate oatmeals


franzy said...

If this works with evil deeds then I've got a bunch of people for you all to kill ... followed by some tree planting!

This reminds me of the old darlin's who used to order a half brandy and diet coke ... and then order 6 more of the same. And one more for the road.