The Perfect Morning Tea for a South Aussie

Today I was lucky enough to save a heavenly hunk (yes, because I asked for seconds) of Ali's Baci chocolate birthday cake AND inhaled a scrumptious slice of Jessie's almond lemon and lime cake.

Both were superb. If Hitler was in any way sane, he might have actually achieved his twisted aim of world domination by declaring these two cakes - The Chocolate Stand Out and The Coeliac Delight - as the "Aryan Race" winners of their kind. Thankfully, my colleagues agreed, albeit silently due to their focus on scoffing the dream morning teas and slurping their coffees. )Any food that produces total silence whilst being imbibed is either due to ecstasy or death and I've yet to witness the latter).

On a much more regular level, the morning tea depicted in the photo above is my ideal. If you're not from South Australia, then I'm sorry for you, but I will at least try to describe this magnificent mini-meal.

Farmers Union Iced Coffee (FUIC)
Because of this 600ml carton of anti-osteo, pro-pleasured delight here, it is with great pride that I can inform you that South Australia has the largest milk consumption per head in the entire world. Farmers Union Iced Coffee is the reason for that sensational statistic - it is a beverage - nay, nectar - that we drink practically from birth. I recall drinking it during recess in Year One and was in love from the first mouthful. Tradesman buy it for breakfast, lunch and smoko. Even a plumbing mate's Blue Heeler gets one with a pie for his lunch on the back of the ute for being a good dog. It's what I want served at my funeral and - here at least - means more to us emotionally, physically and psychologically than any world-winning red wine medal can.

Why no government or financial wizard hasn't yet funded a study comparing us South Aussie FUIC drinkers' near-zero incidence of osteo compared to - well, pretty well anywhere else - is beyond me. The 'secret' is so obvious!

There is, unfortunately a sad side to this phenomenon. Despite FUIC telling us that it's 'Reduced Fat Iced Coffee', it has nearly 3g of fat per 100ml, or roughly 18g of fat per drink. Now that's more than one Mars Bar and I sure as hell ain't going to waste my precious fat intake on a mere drink.

Hence the introduction of FU 'Feel Good Iced' Coffee. Slightly thinner in texture, but same great taste, calcium content and release of endorphins. At $2.90 it is cheaper than a cappuccino and a more nutritious way to take a break and end up with a gut-load of goodness.

When the FUIC Feel Good is paired with a Vili's Custard Tart (at $2.50) you are now setting foot into tastebud paradise. The firm, cool, short-bready texture of the pastry; the creaminess of the egg custard and the final flavour fart of the nutmeg all combine to equal absolute eating bliss with its perfect combination of taste, texture and titillations.

All you need to complete the experience is a paper to read whilst sucking down the calcium and licking the custard from your fingers. Anything but the local paper - The Advertiser - is worthwhile. Even the suburban freebie, 'The Messenger' at least has articles written by mostly-literate local people who weren't invited to Lleyton Hewitt's wedding and don't run a radio show based on their 'work' on Big Brother.

Or, head for more cerebral territory and shout yourself a copy of Melbourne's 'The Age'. This is a broadsheet made to be savored and lingered over: sniff in the ink as you sniff the nutmeg on the tart and take in a deep breath as you turn over the page with as much gusto as you bung the straw in the enticing, light brown waters of your FUIC Feel Good.

These are not hollow words, my friend, but my gift to you. You may not have a Valentine today, but fear not - instead you have been given something to find, obtain and inhale that is far greater than an itchy white teddy bear made in China with "I Wuv U" stitched on the front and some droppy long stemmed roses with no smell delivered to you by a grumpy guy in a white minivan with halitosis and BO problems.

The heavenly trio. The Power of Three. Forever and ever, amen.