Clothing Clods
Shitney never ever fails to amaze and dismay me at the same time: Dismaze - a new word. "To view someone with a great deal of money at resources at their fingertips, yet feel completely disgusted anew each time you see them and the situations and clothing they appear in by their own choice."

This photograph is a perfect example. Sweaty hair, smudged mascara ala the tarts of my year ten class, slutty $5 tank top, puffin' on a ciggie and revealing her whale tail - ie the top of her G-string.

Whilst it's comforting that she is in fact wearing undergarments, it is extremely disturbing to notice that someone else is actually grabbing her,,,erm.... (this is very hard to write, as an Australian) 'thong.'

Is Shitney-Brains so out of it she doesn't notice, or is it her assistant just making sure that the cleaning bloke doesn't try and park his bicycle in there when he arrives...


I know this ghoul is called Zooey Deschanel, poor thing. Why do Yanks give their children such teeth-grindingly crap-shocking names? Is she the niece of Swoosie Kurtz or cousin of Dweezil Zappa??

Monstrous moniker aside, for some reason Zoobie gets lots of acting work and praise even though, for my money, she displays all the dramatic range of an over-botoxed buttock.

This outfit doesn't help - eye make-up quite obviously applied with a kitchen wipe, my nanna's debutante frock, her often-selected black pantihose and Minnie Mouse is screaming to have her shoes back.

This is just a photoshop bit of fun I've flogged from somewhere much more techno-savvy and witty than I am, but it gave me a chuckle.

The saddest thing about it is that, Mattris and Sticky Hilton will probably end up wearing the designer versions of these some stage in the not-too-distant future, and not be able to spell - let alone comprehend - the terms 'personification' and/or 'irony.'

Ah yes, dear little Looseknees Lowdown - the only human being allowed to treat the potentially life-saving services of a rehab 'lock in' as though it was a cellophane saloon door.

Also, the only diva known to modern magazine meatheads as the 'child' (if her mother is to be believed) or 'adequite' adult (as L2's own blackberry skills attest) who won't turn up for work if the room temperature is above her own IQ yet is always prepared to make at least 10 trips to the coffee shop to pick up her own gallon-sized caffeine hit.

"....and I'm wanted.....Red Or Alive....."

Blistery Flamba-ora - the human roasted tomato with a face suspiciously like Mickey Rourke's.....

Denise, did you at least baste him every two hours before flipping him over?

Mattriss is obviously on her way to visit Grandma which is why her labia's been sensibly folded under her butt flaps and stapled to her back underneath the sensible black cardie to keep it out of sight and Stickole is her nanna's crocheted sofa slip (albeit a very slim one).

I'm not sure why my good friend Bill got snapped at the Midsumma Gay Festival dressed up as a satin booger, but he did, I'm sure of it.

Otherwise, this has to be Fergie (the one who's in one of the most excremental 'music group' in the world, not the toe-suckee Do-Me 'duchess'), who makes Martina Navratoliva look like Carol Brady.

If her hair was yanked back any tighter she'd be fighting off Joan Rivers for her plastic surgeon's business card.

Could Messica be any more manufactured in her continual efforts at over-acting, stupid monkey faces made to the papparazzi? Who applied her eye-make up, Zooey Deschanel??

How come she wiped yoghurt under her left boob - doesn't her Assistant have moist baby cloths on hand, or bibs at the very least?

Is she about to crouch even lower and 'drop off a John Howard' on the pavement? Or, worse still, rummage in her testicle-skin from-an-endangered-bluewhale handbag and ~~shudder~~ hand out her latest CD?