Wince-inducing Words

There are some words in the English/Aussie language that I really dislike. Words that I avoid using myself and that invariably cause me to shudder if someone else uses them in my company. For your own edification, these shockers include:

Frock - generally used by Australian women older than sixty. Means a 'dress', normally made of 100% nylon, multi-patterned and with the sex appeal of Maggie Thatcher wearing nipple clamps. If anyone your age looks you up and down and says, "Gee, I love your frock," they're not being nice: feel free to give them a short, sharp 'henpeck' (dong on the forehead with your fist closed except your middle knuckle) and swan off - at least as well as you can do in a dress that sets off electric sparks when you sashay on carpet.

Slacks - used by the frock-wearing crowd to describe pants or trousers. If someone has bought themselves a "new pair of slacks" you can very safely assume that they have an elasticated waistband for comfort which also leads to what I'll call "Pucker Bum" - the puffy, willy-shape that females get when they sit down; looking for all the world like they've excited themselves by wearing such alluring slacks.

Blouse - We are not French - it's a SHIRT for the sake-of-all-that's-good-and-chocolate-covered. Blouse doesn't make the purchaser or wearer sound posh either - just old and out of it.

Flip Flops - this is what the Poms call our national footwear, known here in Oz as 'thongs'. *Sigh* no not the 'up yer arse' undie type, but the rubber type you wear on your feet. And yes, like the ugg boot, they have never gone out of fashion here. Besides, 'flip flops' sounds more to me like the result of a beachful of British tourists collectively unbuttoning the buttons on their slacks to let their guts out.....

Cardigan - This word and the actual item of clothing immediately conjures up images of spinsters, librarians, nerds (perhaps all three). Even so-called fashionable cardigans give me the shudders - no-one looks sexy in a cardigan. No one.

Phlegm - a word that manages to sound even less attractive than the disgusting item itself. Either that or it's the nickname of your mate down the street who is trying to get over being christened Jasper Cecil Gaylord. I do occasionally use it, but only as an insult: "Put your indicator on, you &^%$ing Phlegm Bag!"

Penis - a clinical, soul less word that like phlegm makes the appendage sound even uglier than it actually is. Which is quite an achievement.

Prick - hate it, hate it! I hate it even an an insult!

Scrotum - why is it that our medical ancestors had to label our fun parts with such un-fun and uninviting names? If it was to help control our lusts and population growth, they failed miserably. Having said that, it certainly hasn't featured as background wallpaper for Microsoft windows, or as the standard wrapping paper pattern.

Mole - not the cute little underground chaps that like to ruin British lawns and feature in kids' books, but the Australian insult used to describe a girl who is either a bitch or a tad on the 'over-friendly' side. Perhaps she should date a 'prick' - then they could both rack off and get out of my life forever.

Puce - admittedly it's actually perfect because it's such a butt-ugly word to describe such a butt-ugly colour. Clothing nightmare - a puce pair of slacks matched with a cardigan only a mole would wear....

De-Facto - this was once a word used quite appropriately to describe a committed couple living together but eschewing the traditional notion of marriage. Sadly, now it tends to feature in news bulletins as: "A woman was found strangled in her housing trust unit in the northern suburbs by her neighbour tonight. Her de-facto husband is now in police custody assisting them with their enquiries. During the removal of the body, a large amount of hydroponic equipment and firearms were also located....."

Basically - the word favoured by the clueless (usually first year uni students) to persuade the old and cynical (uni graduates twenty years previously) that they're intelligent and, like, basically, can, like, basically boil things down, like to the basic issue... A word to all over-users of this word: Like, you can Basically Bugger Off.

Offal - Awful Offal. Why anyone who isn't starving to death and for whom a bowel movement was something they had for Christmas would choose to eat offal totally escapes me. Kidneys stink and pollute the steak or whatever other meat by-product they're stewing in and liver is NOT disguised by bacon. As for crumbed brains, I'd rather chew a chimpanzee's arse cheek.

Sustainable - I am sick to death of this word - it has gone way beyond any environmental meaning and is now used by Human Resources Retards to describe 'sustainable employment options', or PR ponces to sell any kind of manufacturing that closes down local factories and instead meander off to Mumbai to embrace globalisation and remain 'sustainable'. Just spread it on a mattress and cram it up my right nostril, will you?

Brick Veneer - cheap, shoddy, soul less homes dating from the 1970s onwards who are constructed with only one layer of brick and the inner walls of 'veneer'; thus making it possible to hear your brother drop-bombing a couple of picnic bars down the s-bend in the bathroom four rooms away. Hot in summer and freezing in winter, these shockers gulp up electricity and have structural frames that have a 'lifetime' of 20 years. Add the aluminium windows, total lack of eaves and rendering that reveals cracks and the original brickwork underneath a month later, and you have a Brick Venereal. Be safe and avoid buying or renting one at all costs.

Crazy Bargains - these two words should really say 'Crappy Cons'. Why on earth would you ever open up a Persian rug store - they seem to be going out of business and slashing the prices by up to 99% each week here in Oz; not to mention Mr Bankrupt's dodgy seconds underwear store; Repossessed office furniture and any shop with 'Cheap', '$2', 'Chips', 'Warehouse' and 'Superstore' in large letters. Unless you want a plastic dream catcher or novelty cigarette lighter, get the frock out there as fast as your thongs will carry you.

Brave - a word over-used by lazy journalists to elicit sympathy from the 6:30pm 'current day tonight affair tabloid news' watchers in items about kids with ailments, diseases or birth defects. Said 'brave' kid has to be under the age of 18 and just, well, suffer from something. Even if they're chucking a tantrum, spanking the cat or screaming in agony, they will invariably be labelled something like, "Brave Little Ebony Continues Her Fight Against....' whatever. Once you're over 19, you'll feature on the same show or newspaper as a dole bludger or potential Jim Rose Circus employee.

The worst seven words in a sentence ever = 'We have no chocolate in the house'

"Hey Darlin' take your frock off - I've got a pressie for you hidden in me slacks!"