Friday, February 11, 2011

Never Never Never

Blogger Tensile Times has snaffled a topic that I'm going to snaffle in turn. I might be getting more lines on my face than Bart writes on the blackboard and wisdom surely follows but there's a heap of things I have never, ever done.

These include:

1. Never seeing The Rocky Horror Picture Show all the way through from start to end. We could only see snippets of it through the curtains at Philippa's house when it was on at the Murray Bridge drive in and were often trying to teach ourselves how to smoke her father's stolen rollies at the same time.

2. Never shoplifting anything. I once walked out of the newsagency with a packet of post-it-notes in my hand after paying for a paper and a magazine and, after realising dashed straight back inside to pay for it, face a flamin' with shame.

3. Not one bone in my body has ever been broken. In my forties I am of course very grateful for this but as a kid I was very envious of the ones who'd enter proudly on crutches and get us all to sign their casts. Pain yes, but Fame - oh yeah.

4. I have never been to America and I want to. Badly. Same goes for Japan, China, all of Scandinavia, Canada, Vietnam, Thailand, Singapore, New Zealand's South Island and Poland.

5. I have never enjoyed watching Australian drama. Okay, maybe 'The Sullivans' but that's because it was Mum's favourite show. Everything else has always looked badly lit with corny lines and actors that I remember from 1970s soaps or dodgy home cleaning commercials. I have also never seen a single minute of any of the Underbelly shows.

6. I have never won first prize. In anything.

7. I have never been called slim. Instead I'm asked to help shift pallets of bricks, throw a mattress over the fence or consider being a surrogate so as not to waste those child-bearing hips of mine. No-one has ever said, "Oh sit down and eat, you look like you'll fade away." Maybe in a dream once and then it might have been John Cusack who said it.

8. The law and me have never been on opposing sides. There's been no unwanted ride in the divvy van, no official warning, no stern talking to. A red light camera caught me once, and that was when Love Chunks was rushed back to hospital after severe and unexpected bleeding and I was just a tad worried for him and keen to see where he'd ended up. Still had to pay the bloody thing though.

9. I have never enjoyed camping, as Love Chunks and Sapphire sadly know. It's rather ironic that one of the best sources of camping gear is from a shop called KATHmandu because I'd rather eat my own arse than willingly visit there.

10. I have never written a novel (but am trying to now).

And here's a bit I've added. What I'll never do again:

a. I'll never drink cheap brandy again. In fact I'll never drink brandy of any kind again. An eighteenth birthday party in 1986 is not a dim memory even 25 years later and the nausea is rising just typing this sentence.

b. I'll never wear high heels anywhere where actual walking and standing is required. This includes speech nights, weddings, Melbourne Cup shindigs, parties or even from my front door to the car.

c. I'll never litter. Rubbish can always be shoved in my backpack or a pocket.

d. I'll never eat three entire birds' eye chillies on a drunken Margarita dare ever again. Patrons at the Adelaide casino do not need to be treated to the sight of me licking a marble column in an effort to dull the throbbing burning heat.

e. I'll never get a fish tank. The little buggers die all the time and flushing them down the toilet or feeding them to the neighbours' cats doesn't seem like a respectful way to finish off their short-lived, decision-less existences.

f. I'll never get into the political arena. No, not for the usual reasons of the ridiculously long working hours, the stress of making decisions with taxpayers money and the constant sniping by critics but due to the cartoons they're likely to draw of me in the papers. As if my nose, chin and arse weren't big enough, but to have Tandberg and co exaggerate them...... ~shudder~

g. I'll never eat pate, liver, kidneys or pumpkin. There are so many other ways to make me miserable without getting my mouth and stomach involved.

h. I'll never stop sniffing Sapphire's hair.

i. I'll never cease wondering just how the hell I managed to snag a bloke as decent as Love Chunks.

j. I'll never stop trying to see the funny side of things. If I don't, the Black Dog comes to visit and he's rather too good at highlighting pessimism, despair and worthlessness.

Finally, what I want to do:

1. I want to speak another language. I just need to decide which one. Perhaps 'American' should I ever get there.

2. I want to have a novel published.

3. I want to be able to walk from the pool changing room to the edge of the water not like a self conscious scuttling crab but with nonchalance and confidence. Even if feigned.

4. I want to develop bionic-style achilles tendons so that my running days continue.

5. I want to inhale chocolate without earning a cholesterol level of (currently) 7.4.

6. I want to earn a reasonable income doing something that makes me happy. So far, I'm part of the way there.

7. I want the media to have a total ban on anything relating to Matthew Newton, Lindsay Lohan, Mick Molloy, Underbelly anything, Shane Warne and Liz Hurley. Oh and if Andrew Bolt's blog suddenly disappeared into the ether life would be a lot better too.

8. I want to win lotto without having to spend $14.40 every week.

9. I want to see Sapphire have a happy year at school with a growing confidence in herself and her perceptions.

10. I want Sapphire and Love Chunks to feel as proud of me as I am of them.

What about you?


Benjamin Solah said...

Never broken a bone either, and want to write a novel too.

Might be tempted to steal this...

Kath Lockett said...

Go for it - it'll be interesting to see what your never and your wannas are.

327 said...

I'm guessing there is a story behind the need to throw a mattress over a fence?

Elephant's Child said...

Do toes count? And other people's fingers? I once broke the finger of a 'gentleman' who had backed me up against a wall and was molesting me. He let go. I ran.

And yes, I would like to have written a novel instead of dreaming. I would love to go back to Antarctica. I would love to walk Machu Pichu (an impossible dream). I would like to develop some confidence. And in our family we were told that everyone has a special talent. I'm sorry, but mine has hidden itself really, really well.

And the nevers are also a long list. Sigh.

Hannah said...

I love this post, Kath. So much resonates with me! Hate camping, no broken bones, not on the wrong side of the law, etc... I also love your "addition" to the meme. Oh, how I'dl ove to figure out a job that I won't feel miserable in! (PhD doesn't seem to be working...)

I might give this a go soon!

ALso, you WILL publish a novel. Your writing is a testament to that.

And, Kath,

Elisabeth said...

Wow so many things you have never done,some of which I have done, and among the things you have done are some I've never done.

It's a fun list to read, as everything you write is fun to read and sometimes to weep over. You can be very funny Kath, but you can also be poignant.

I look forward to reading your novel once it's published.

JahTeh said...

You've never won anything!

You lardbum snaffled the best bloke between here and the black stump, had a fabulous daughter and hat tricked with Milly.

And you want more. Well, yeah Tattslotto would be nice I'll give you that.

WV is watersup, it's what you should take with brandy.

Jackie K said...

ooh, another good meme for stealin'. thanks, these are fun...
I share with you 1-3, 5 and 8-10.
I thought it was very unusual and weird to survive to adulthood without breaking any bones and that everyone except me loves the Rocky Horror show. I am thankful to see that is not the case.
I love sniffing my daughters' hair too.

Jackie K said...

Wait! Just remembered I HAVE broken a bone after all! When 11 fell over backwards on my (super groovy, red and white sneaker-style) roller-skates and broke my tailbone. Pain was excrutiating and got a short sharp twinge every time I sat down for next few years until it fully healed (they can't do a cast for that)

eleanor bloom said...

The majority of things here I related to in some way, although the have's and the never's were sometimes mixed.
I've shoplifted, broken bones, travelled (but not enough), written a novel (but not a 'real' one, only fun, does that count?), haven't seen The Graduate all the way through, can't stand Aussie dramas/soaps, won crap, been called skinny (I think that was Joan Cusack), been let off by cops (hemorrhaged in a back seat through some red lights), camping was good as a kid (in the US).

Heels, littering & chillies suck, & I can't drink Southern Comfort.

Shove the black dog under your desk, directly behind Milly's flatulent rear end.

And I agree; you've won a pretty good prize that there aren't tickets* for, so deal you glorious curvaceous piece of chocolate-scented crumpet you.

*are there? there couldn't be more near-perfect men about could there? and I only say near-perfect due to his lack of reverence for QI; for shame!

Pandora Behr said...

How can you never have seen the Rocky Horror Picture show?! Do you have a video (not a DVD - a video) I'll bring it round. Might have to nick this one too - some great answers.

p.s. only a great woman would snag as bloke as great as Love Chunks. Live it.

Andrew said...

Is Bart a Simpsons reference? Never seen it.

Kath Lockett said...

327 - no, actually - just that as a big-boned tall gal I was expected to do the work of a Truckie Jackaroo.

Elephants child, those broken fingers should have been worn around your neck with pride!

Thank you Hannah. Looks like you were going to add some more advice at the end...?

Elisabeth this is the year of the novel. Despite landing a few part time jobs, it WILL be written. Goofing off in blogland is just HELPING me keep the writing muscle fit - that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)

JahTeh you've got it - lotto wins might not have occurred in dollar terms but I'm fairly well sorted with Love Chunks and Sapph.

Jackie K even if you weren't in a cast for your tailbone I would have envied you your super groovy roller skates.

Eleanor you sound like an adventurous type I would have been too afraid to talk to growing up but these days I'd happily come over with chocolate and wine to watch QI.

Pandora, yes, I think I'm going to have to see RHPS all the way through. Soon.

Andrew Bart is indeed a Simpson's reference. In the starting sequence of every show he's busy writing lines on the blackboard. Mystifying analogies, me.

River said...

That's an impressive list Kath.
I can match a couple of things there, never broken a bone, want to win lotto, would love to travel, but my choices are NZ, Canada, Ireland and Tassie. A spring and summer in each. I've never been on the wrong side of the law either, unlike another family member who got to know the local coppers by name before he finished school.

Wally The Walrus said...

Nowt wrong with a nice brandy. Unfortunately the Australian brandies are all crap. You need to get a decent French Brandy, and sip it. And not much.

And what wrong with pumpkin? When made into soup its rather good. By itself otherwise its not very exciting.

With you on the camping thing - the parents used to be into it, and that's my reason for never ever ever having any desire to do it again. Anything less than 5 stars just isn't worth it.

Jilly said...

I'll eat your share of pumpkin.xx J

Baino said...

I think my answers would be similar to yours frankly with the exception of broken bones and well one ride in a divvy van but it's not what you think and I do like pate . . a lot. Would love to hear more about the novel.

Jayne said...

Bake me the pumpkin and I'm yours for life, no need to yearn for Tatts *snort*
Seriously, after reading about Tripe and onions in white sauce on JahTeh's blog the image of you licking a marble thingie after scarfing birds' eye chilies was a welcome distraction.
Now, go forth and write the book, I vant to be entertained...

Kath Lockett said...

River, clearly the places you yearn to travel to conveniently mean that you won't be required to learn another language. Clever, that.

Wally, maybe - just maybe - I could sip one of those posh French brandies you speak of. On second though, no, not yet....

Jilly, the pumpkin's all yours. I know that my dislike of it is mystifying, but if I have to eat it unadorned (ie roasted or boiled or steamed or mashed), I heave.

Baino did you break your bone IN the divvy van whilst eating pate?

Thanks Jayne. You want to be entertained or, Greta Garbo-like do you 'vant'?

Maxine Beneba Clarke said...

Awww...the last one is so sweet.

Have you seen the movie Lead Balloon? Changed my mind on Australian drama...though I still cringe at most of it.

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks Maxine. I'll check out 'Lead Balloon' someday....

Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

I think I shall have to steal this - it is the law (well my law anyway).

Just one question - how exactly do you inhale chocolate? I have a vivid image of a hoover that I cannot shake ...




Kath Lockett said...

Go for it, PlasMan. 'Inhale' merely refers to the dexterity and speed in which I consume chocolate on a far-too-frequent basis.

iODyne said...

That was all just gorgeous and especially the doggie picture. God I love dogs.
I have had my nose broken THREE times, and coccyx once (is enough) and I still have (at 62) my appendix and tonsils. it's a worry.

I do sincerely hope you realise your dreams, and I agree that camping is repulsive. ants and no toilets!

A while back, Still Life With Cat had a post about Things I Have Done, That You Probably Haven't. It, and the comments, was fabulous. The THINGS some bloggers (we know) have done!

speaking of Comments - go Elephants Child above. Wish you had broken all his fingers.

Kath Lockett said...

Marshall - clearly 'stacks' meant something different when it came to the number of broken bones you've had! I'll check out the Still life with Cat blog - always keen to snaffle good ideas!