Somebody's innards becoming somebody's outwards

I have one of my favourite bloggers Radgery to thank for that wonderful title.

After losing my voice last week on the day of my job interview (Love Chunks had to ring in and ask nicely for it to be rescheduled so that my answers didn't involve embarrasing attempts at charades and hand signals) I've now got Labyrinthitis.

So, let's just stop for a second. I've been a stay-at-home, freelance writer for three years now and, just two weeks before I leave the comforts of study, dog and ugg boots for full time work outside of the house, I suddenly contract all manner of illnesses.

Firstly the cold. No voice for two days which, though painful for me, was peaceful for Sapphire and Love Chunks.

Then, hayfever which, after avoiding me for ten years now decides to pay me a rather long and powerful visit. I sneeze so often and so loudly that tissues are useless against the power of a mach-three-speed snot oyster which shoots through the flimsy material and usually splats itself noisily somewhere much less desirable such as the kitchen door, the tram stop timetable or Love Chunks. My eyes are permanently itchy and I want to be able to ram my hand up inside my throat to scratch and wipe away the torturous tickliness that makes my head feel as though there's a Van Der Graaf Generator Appreciation Society meeting occurring inside without prior approval from me, owner of said head.

Thirdly, diarrhoea that comes and goes on a whim - sort of like the 7.20am Newmarket to Flinders Street train and, finally, Labyrinthitis.

According to the confusingly named Wise Geek, Labyrinthitis is 'a relatively common condition in which the labyrinths of one or both ears become inflamed. It is most often noticed by people feeling suddenly dizzy, or nauseous. Labyrinthitis is difficult to treat, since the cause is not always obvious, and it can persist for a few weeks to few months.

Some known causes of labyrinthitis include bacterial and viral infections, seasonal allergies, decompression sickness, or foreign matter blocking the ear. When foreign matter is the cause, or even a wax plug formed by the ear, this is usually easily treated and removed. When bacterial infection is the cause, it can be treated by antibiotics.

Recent medical literature suggests that the virus group most likely to cause labyrinthitis is the Herpes group (excuuuuuuse me?). This includes many viruses, not simply those transmitted sexually. Labyrinthitis may occur after a long respiratory infection. Disturbed balance can create in many a sense of nausea or “seasickness.” The most common medication recommended to reduce nausea is the over the counter product meclizine. This is also recommended for people who get car sick or seasick, and it does seem fairly effective. The downside of meclizine is that often makes people feel tired or sleepy, and driving or operating machinery while taking it may not be advisable.

This all makes me feel like I'm drunk (without the fun of becoming so beforehand) and therefore stagger around crashing my sides into doorframes or sit up and saying 'Whoah' like a ancient, white female Bill and Ted before groping around for something to support me.

So, picture this: every sneeze (several hundred each pharken day right now) has weakened all of my torso muscles so that they're now accompanied by a explosive fart which means my entire body is torn in twain from the expelling from both pipes. I then clutch at my head in agony, fall sideways due to dizziness and apologise (if I've the wit left to remember) to anyone who heard the fart or whom I fell on top of.

And today's the day I venture into the shopping centre to look for some clothing that might be more acceptable (yes, even at uni) than my welded-on work-from-home uniform of polarfleece, trakkie daks and ugg boots. Heaven help the sales assistants and clothing racks.....