Monday, July 26, 2010

Job searching for violence, poisons and Julia Gillard

Actually, none of the above is true, but seeing as I write for the Careers section of a pretty decent and respected newspaper, sometimes when I'm sipping that second coffee on a Saturday morning and hoping today might finally be the day when Love Chunks sneaks an admiring glance at me, nods approvingly and says, "You know Kath, you rock that creased pillow face and brown dressing gown look perfectly. I insist you stay in that all day," I idly scan through the job ads.

Four leapt out at me as having titles that would make for some pretty fearful business cards and intriguing chats at conferences and coffee breaks. Yes, they are all real advertisements:

Oh hi, Terry, nice to meet you. Your presentation was very thorough, very thought-provoking. Here, take my card.
What's that?
Yes, it does takes a bit of thinking, this role. After all, we've got to go beyond the usual aggro and develop strategies that veer way, way outside the box. Like THIS!
No, don't back away, Terry, it was just a quick demo and you've got another eye! I was hoping to interest your unit in participating in our latest experiment: surely you've got a couple of cardigans you can do without, who live more for flex days than project work?
TERRY? Come back? Don't you want to see our solar-powered catapult? We won a local grant for it!
.......Stupid jerk is too up himself to handle other people's success....

Sarah! How ARE you? It's been too long, hasn't it? How's Rory going?
Ah well, he always had a bit of a wandering eye didn't he?
Oh. No, I didn't hear about the funeral, I'm so sorry....sure, I've got a tissue here somewhere. Sorry, it's got an old butter menthol stuck to it....
Anyhow, onto other things - did you hear about my new job?
Yeah, it's with Julia. That Julia. Our Julia - Girrrrrl Power!
It's part-time until the end of July and then ramps up to full time then on.
I'm not sure actually. I probably have to put my hand in the small of her back so she doesn't have to stand still and discuss any policy issues. Or go power-walking with her in the mornings around Altona. That reminds me, I better go and see if I've still got my 'Moscow 1980' tracksuit and hope that her hairspray and my striding thighs don't cause it to ignite......

I'm loving this job Alex, L-O-V-I-N-G it man!
Who knew, after being expelled from Pharmacy school, Chem-mart warehouse and the Hells' Angels compound that I'd land on my feet like this?
Sure, the last guy died but that's all part of the risk, right?
The weather has been amazing since I started here - double rainbows everyday and my lab assistant is a unicorn! He tried to shag me once, but I fended him off with a chocolate canoe and a sitar. Elvis crapped himself laughing.
That reminds me - I need to discuss with my manager the possibility of ordering a crate of Snakes Alive, BBQ Shapes and Tim Tams for afternoon tea every day because I've been working up one heck of an appetite.
Are you sure you're OK because you have breasts where your eyes should be and I swear I just saw a red monkey jump into your briefcase and the floor is suddenly rising up to meet me....

Miiiiiiiike, baby! How did you pull up after Friday night?
Me either - that Krazy Kebab van won't be inviting me back any time soon, heh heh. Nor will Delilah, come to that... Anyhow, did you see the vacancy?
No no no, it's not like at all - no, we're for the Aboriginal people. Giving them extra jobs and training and all that. Involving the kids as well.... That's an interesting question, Mike, and to be frank I have noticed that they prefer to test their theories out on me rather than their own families but the salary and the perks are worth it. Yep, my own office, Exec Assistant and car.

Of course I'll have to wait until the cast is off before I'm able to drive it.


Anonymous said...


River said...

I've seen some interesting job ads myself. Can't remember any since I haven't read the positions vacanct pages for quite a while, but I think I read the latest batch and get a laugh or two.

River said...

Ooops, I think "I'm going to..."

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

I quite like the idea of becoming a Drug and Poisons Officer (as long as the drug in question is alcohol).




Kath Lockett said...

River, I think you'll be mightily entertained, especially by the ones that say "Are you motivated and enjoy a challenge?" which mean 'do you want to do three jobs for the price of 0.3?"

PlasMan, I'm with you, but I'd swap the alcohol for chocolate and coffee. The other day we saw in the news that a German MP wants to put health warnings (like those on cigarette packets) on chocolates and Sapphire said, "Mum, you'll be a drug dealer soon."

Benjamin Solah said...

Looking for jobs at the moment, yours are far more interesting at the moment...

Dann said...

Awesome. I once stumbled upon a job add in the online classifieds for our local paper that had the title "Pickle Inspector" so be it it was something for aa food plant that jars pickles but the title alone made me happy

Baino said...

Haha .. unfortunate copywriting and even more unfortunate job titles. Moving Forward Project Officer . . I mean they're not likely to be moving backwards now are they

Wally The Walrus said...

Health warnings on chocolate. Oh spare me. What is the world coming to?

Though I'm told that it modern standards were applied to vegetables, the humble carrot would never be approved for sale.

You got to wonder.

(Word verification: Condiope. Its either a tropical fruit, or the effect you get when listening to Condi Rice too much. Remember her?)