Meandering Meme

Mr Migraine is back and I just didn't have the capacity to define any word verifications today. Will you forgive me for dragging out a draft instead?

It's been a while since I've stolen anything other than a sly fart under the covers, so I've snagged a meme from the Plastic Mancunian.

Do you get regular massages?
No but I'm often found kinda sorta 'leaning' up against Love Chunks in the faint hope he'll extend his arm and ruffle my hair, neck, back or shoulders. Any kind of touchy feely stuff is gold to me and should the long arm of the lotto winner ever reach to shake my own hand, I'd have a professional arrive at my front door every morning - and evening, just before bedtime - to give me a right royal muscle pummel.

Do you have an answering machine?
Yes. And yes, it's Sapphire who has recorded the message. Having a child's voice on it seems to deter telemarketers so mostly we just get 'beep beep beep' whenever the message light is on.

What cuss word do you use the most?
I had to wander into the kitchen to ask Love Chunks the answer to this one. He thought for a bit (as much as you can over sizzling garlic and onions on a dark and cold Monday night) and said, "You love using the word 'ponce' to cover everything from stuff you adore to someone who is a snob and then you pretty well ignore every other curse word until you get to the big F." So there you go - one extreme to the other.

Are you underweight or overweight?
My doctor reckons I'm just right, but considering that I can grab my stomach and sort of fold it in on itself when I'm lying on my back at night I wonder just what 'normal range' actually means.....

Can you see your veins?
What the....? In my hands and feet, yes. A couple winding up my arms (thanks to regular running), occasionally. Thousands of tiny red ones on my eyeballs - every damn morning.

Favorite… Soap?
The last time I watched a soap was to mock the marriage of Scott and Charlene on Neighbours in 1986 (drunkenly fuelled by Blackberry Nip at $3.99 a bottle), and when I was in a share house in 1988 we used to laugh at the wobbling sets of 'Days of Our Lives' and note that the same potted fern seemed to make it into every scene, regardless of whether it was 'Shenanigans Bar' or Marlena's apartment.
Shower wise? Whatever's on special at Woolies and doesn't smell too girlie (so Love Chunks can use it too)

Fruit?
Oranges. Slice one into six segments; shove each ungraciously into the gob, eat and slurp and whammo: instant Vitamin C.

Kind of red meat?
Bacon. A rare but most enjoyable pleasure. I could quite happily be vegetarian but for this most salty and tempting of meats.

Fish? Smoked salmon.

Candy bar?
By that you mean CHOCOLATE bar, you original US-question writer? Impossible to choose, but if we're talking everyday varieties I've often reached for a Crunchie, KitKat (esp the chunky varieties), Snickers, Twix, Aero, Chokito, Cherry Ripe, Newman's Ginger, Nestle Crunch....and they're just the bars; don't get me started on handmade chocolates, blocks or boxes.

Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips?
Oh please. Challenge me at least - who hasn't? When pregnant I used to inhale bags of salt-n-vinegar chips (despite not liking them in my non-up-the-duff state) and cheese twisties. My finger tips were permanently salty and orange-coloured.

Eaten lobster?
'Yes – and it is overrated. I don’t see the appeal at all, particularly given its price.' - This is Plastic Mancunian's original answer and I agree entirely.

Climbed a mountain?
A few. Nothing noteworthy though and it's highly unlikely that this situation will change because I don't enjoy climbing. I can walk or run for ages, but to struggle up a hillside, on usually slippery mud or scrambly gravel to eventually reach the top and have some perky little ponce say, "Oh the view makes it all worth it" just makes me want to scream, "NO IT DOESN'T! Where's the friggin' chairlift and the icecream shop?"

Been skydiving?
Yep. On my own too - in the days when it was allowed for your first few tries. The scariest moment wasn't letting go - it was actually climbing out of the open door of the tiny aeroplane, putting one foot on a landing wheel and reaching out to grab hold of a wing strut.

Been water skiing?
Growing up in Murray Bridge - on Australia's largest river system to non-Aussie readers - meant that the Milo-brown waters of my hometown were constantly rippling with the wake of speed boats and show-offs on skis. Mostly it was the 'richies' from Adelaide who drove down on weekends to ski, but very occasionally I got to have a go. It was fun, but not pretty and mostly resulted in breathing in several gallons of muddy brown water that reeked of carp crap and diesel, ingested mostly via my protesting nasal cavities after a face plant at high speed.

Do You…
Wish you could change something about your life?
Ohferchrissakes - I reckon for every single individual crisp in every single whole bag I've ever eaten (see the earlier, silly question) I have naturally wished to change something about my life, multiplied by one thousand.

Like your nose?
No. It's huge which might be distinguished on a man, but on a woman it often makes me feel if I lean too far forward I'm going to topple over. Having a ping pong ball on the end and a big bump in the middle is just the cream cheese icing on the 'But She's Got a Great Personality' cake.

Like salt and vinegar chips?
Only when making a small human being. Red Rock Deli's Lime and Black Pepper are pretty nice but these days I choose to avoid them and have my entire fat intake via chocolate.

Eat salsa?
Not really. To me it just seems like a jar of stone cold chopped tomatoes and veges, pretending to be an exciting 'dip' when really it should be heated up and poured over pasta.

Own a boat?
Nope but it's Love Chunks' dream...... I'm not a boating person. We had a sail boat growing up and I was useless at it and even got seasick on it once. Every time we've had a ride on a boat I end up getting windswept, cold and sunburnt and wonder just what the point of it is and when and the actual fun is going to happen.

What Is…
A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences?
Drinking too much. Lying. Smoking. Taking the credit for someone else's work. Being racist and ignorant. Not exercising. Not servicing their car. Being late in paying their credit card bills. Avoiding fresh vegetables. Forgetting to share or offer to help.

Your most macho trait?
The muscle-flexing I love to do in front of the bathroom mirror plus my ability to tell off teenagers and get away with it.

The longest relationship you’ve ever had?
My current relationship with Love Chunks - long and strong since 1993.

Your most embarrassing thoughts?
That I love watching Masterchef despite the overt product placements, the inane repeating of the last minute of the show after the ad break has finished and the ridiculously butter-laden and over-worked meals I'd never cook myself. On the six nights it's on I'm to be found eagerly sitting in front of the telly - knitting in my lap - ready to go as soon as I hear 'You're hot and you're cold, You're yes and you're no, You're in and you're out....'

Your most shameful moment?
There are so many but the one that springs to mind whilst sitting here typing this was when a savage and sudden gust of wind blew my longish peasant skirt up over my face and head when walking with a bag of oranges in one hand and my work briefcase in the order in London at the precise moment a double-decker tourist bus drove by. I could hear video cameras whirring and hoots of laughter before ducking into the roughest betting parlour to escape their amusement.

Bath/Shower?
Shower every time. Unless you have a five foot deep bath with water that stays hot and is filled right up to my chin, I hate sitting with just my arse and legs in the water and my boobs and belly rolls getting cold. The alternative is no better - lying in the water with my legs propped up against the shower taps like a self-conscious and soggy letter 'L'. No thanks!

My greatest weakness is…
Chocolate. Love Chunks. Sapphire. Kissing Milly and Skipper (dog and rabbit). Singing to myself when I'm home alone. Showing off at dinner parties. Talking to strangers. Buying a box of cous-cous every single time I'm at the shops and then having to suffer the pomposity of Love Chunks when he pulls out not one, not two, not three but seven boxes of the stuff as he's sorting out the pantry.

I wish I was…
....Staring at the winning lotto numbers with the ticket in my hand and not waking up with a migraine for the third fucking day in a row.

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are…
Eat my own poo; kill anybody; shag Tony Abbott.

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is…
My triple-strength, tutonium-plated, grinding-and-clenching-and-crown-saving mouthguard, every night which makes me resemble a lisping Hannibal Lecter. Oh you mean food? The first ever unsupervised meal cooked by one of my housemates in 1988 - blackened lamb chops with added (and grilled) bean sprouts and sultanas sprinkled on the top; washed down with a hot mug of Irish Coffee and - I think - apricot marsala. Considering that my 'specialty' at the time was cheese and baked bean toasties, I didn't think it fair to complain and just kept asking for more of her magic coffee.....

Firsts…
Credit card you had?
ANZ Visa, limit $1500, three months after starting there as a Graduate Trainee in 1989. Free money! At least, that's what it felt like until the bill for $1800 arrived followed by a stern lecture from the Branch Manager.

Loan you got was for?
Car - Suzuki Vitara 1992 model costing $20,000, purchased with Love Chunks in 1995. We had $10K and needed the other half and both of us were thrilled to own a car that belonged to the actual decade we were living in at that time. Before that, he owned a 1974 Ford and I had a burnt orange 1971 Volvo.....

Paycheck was for how much?
$750 in the summer of 1984 for cutting tray after tray of apricots for Thompson's fruit orchard in Mypolonga.

Time you had stitches?
Only once, after the birth of Sapphire. 'From the nave to the chaps' (thanks Shakespeare) pretty well covers it, as does the visiting nurse's gasp of horror when, three days after arriving home, she popped in to check on us - and my stitches. Apparently, lowering my saggy, empty body into a salt bath every evening wasn't doing the trick and they were infected. Happy days indeed.

Time you went to the hospital for something?
Adenoids as a six year old, tumour stuff as a twenty something; giving birth to Sapphire in 1999, nasal cavity surgery in 2003 and, unfortunately, two other visits that were necessary to convince me to stop, seek psychiatric help and remember that life is worth it after all.

List everything you ate in the last 24 hours?
Coffee, BBQ chicken and salad wrap (lunch at Melbourne Central), orange, take-away Indian food (dinner), chocolate (naturally), some kind of 'healthy' (therefore horrible) cereal for breakfast, several Panadeine capsules and another coffee.
Last thing you used a credit card for?
Cinema tickets - Toy Story 3, yesterday. Funny, lovely, cute, detailed brilliant little film.

What was your job previous to the one you have now?
Bulldog's punching bag at the University of South Australia.

Last thing you celebrated?
Sapphire's 11th birthday.

Last time you were at a sports bar?
I can't even remember the decade I was in one - maybe the early nineties?