Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sometimes shopping at K-Mart by yourself isn't a bad thing

Sarah Jessica Parker regularly seems to crop up on the 'best dressed lists', always to my puzzlement. This recent effort looks about as easy to wear as my blistered runners' feet in a pair of stilettos.

Perhaps I should be a little bit kinder towards SJP. It's great to see that she's used all of her hair pins as a necklace and crammed her now-flat chest into a cardboard bodice. Her frock looks so comfortable, doesn't it?

And here's Paris, standing in her favourite Porn Star pose in a 'costume' for some recent Halloween shindig she attended. As a proud Aussie and non-participator of anything Halloweenish, I have a (probably) dumb question: isn't it meant to be about scary things? If so, why is she dressed like a slutty rabbit?

Ohhhh, I get it - she is scary! In so many ways - lack of intelligence, lack of talent, lack of access to reality, lack of morals, lack of meaning and an inability to stand without thrusting her hips and map-of-Tassie straight at the camera lens..... Yet she's like someone taking off a bloodied, old bandage to reveal a puss-filled wound - it's truly appalling and gruesome yet we can't tear ourselves away from her can we?

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. You may be well known for having acted with every major Hollywood heavyweight and be the lynchpin of the 'six degrees of separation' game but there's no reason to venture out in public looking as though you're wearing something from every movie character you've played.

Explain something to me - why oh why are black beanies considered attractive? If I see a bloke wearing one, I immediately write him off as a fashion-victim, metrosexual meathead. So Kev, lovey puss - you've done Mystic River, The Woodsman.... hell you've even put up with living in a small Southern town that forbade dancing.... so please dress as though you have all of your faculties working in sync.

J-Lo looks as though she was trying a 1960s hot housewife here, but in reality she's slapped on too much too pale make up, got one of her step kids to apply her eyeliner and the other to do her hair.

The hoops are just stupid. Stupid. A bit like her bank balance and ego - too huge and mostly undeserved. If your earrings can not swing underneath your lobes without bending on your collarbone, they're STUPID!

Goodness me, Violet Beauregarde grew up, dyed her hair and married Lord BlackAdder from series 2 !

I've never been a fan of Madonna (see J-Lo above) and harbor some rather strong suspicions of face lifts and botoxing but surely her increasing age (47) and access to the best designers and stylists should mean something better than this chucklefest?

Her lambswool car-seat cover of a coat makes her look as though she's permanently shrugging her shoulders; the velvet knickerbockers hark back to 1982 which is not a dim or fond memory and those boots.... well, they give me the creeps. They look unwholesome somehow, as though her yucky 'erotica' persona is going to come out later and get all grotty on us......shudder.

THIS, however, is true class. Ricky Gervais is a god; albeit a tubby one, and we should be grateful that The Office series 1, 2 and Christmas specials are out on DVD.

Here's someone who is trying to be stupid, unlike the others above who all paid good money to look good but achieved the opposite.

Love the brown parka, the slicked-down hair, the crossed-eyes and slopped cup in the tiny work kitchen space. I'm sure that if this was the inevitably captioned "Reformed Kate Moss", the so-called fashion fools would be falling all over themselves. Hell, Ricky even looks as though he'd be a better parent to Lila Rose....

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