Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Our B-grade shame

As you know from yesterday's rant, I couldn't give a fat rat's clacker about the Melbourne Cup or any horse race for that matter. It looks about as exciting as having to stand nude in the bathroom for half an hour whilst the fake tan lotion sinks in.

Equally annoying is our - and by 'our' I mean Australia as a whole - need to import a 'star' to add some excitement and razzle-dazzle to the event. As such, Eva Longoria was invited to attend the race and be the face of 'Myer - Fashions on the Field.' I'll bet that she didn't even know Myer was a store until she landed in Melbourne and probably thought Flemington was a place for hayfever sufferers.

Yet, in our usual culturally cringey way, we fawned all over her and splashed her picture everywhere in our papers, gossip rags and websites. On the left here is a lovely photograph of her - boobs squooshed together, matchstick legs almost breaking from the weight of her folder and a rose flower 'fascinator' thing that wouldn't be out of place in the current McDonald's Lizzie MacGuire happy meal.

Seriously, after the ordinary, overrated 'Desperate Housewives' TV runs its course, does anyone really think that this gal is going to have any sort of lasting career? Meryl Streep she aint...

Do you even wonder what sort of money it took to get her to travel a day ahead in time? Two years ago the racing bods asked the Hilton sisters to the event. Apparently they chatted to no-one and spent most of their time in the toilet, *sniff sniff*. Now Sapphire's school may have readers that are worn out with use, but it's nice to know that other funding is put to such worthy causes whilst we hold fortnightly craft markets to get enough money together for a sunshade in the school yard.

A week ago, the ARIAs were held; a celebration of Aussie music. I'm really out of date when it comes to music because I can't stand listening to ads on the radio, gangsta rap, Beyonce or triple J, but I do remember that most of the trinkets were won by Missy Higgins and Ben Lee. And who did we import to hand out the awards? Any of our own internationally-known acts such as INXS, Keith Urban, Hugh Jackman? Of course not - we carted in David Hasselhoff. It's embarassing just typing that name out; a man initially known for talking to a car; then for wearing red shorts and surrounding himself with pneumatically-enhanced chicks on a beach; and then for having to dry out at several clinics - all the while recording albums that were hits in Germany. As with Eva, I bet he thought Missy Higgins was a childrens' entertainer and Ben Lee had his own brand of soy sauce....

Unfortunately for us, we also have the dubious honor of lending a bit of Queensland's Gold Coast for Palazzo Versace; a gaudy, excessive and over-priced five star+ hotel for the rich and clueless. At this stage, Donatella Versace hasn't yet graced our shores to see one of her money spinners, and for that I'm grateful.

If she did ever deign to come on down, I'm sure she'd also be asked to be Santa's helper at the Adelaide Christmas pageant, or read out the winning lotto numbers on a Saturday night. Both activities, to be sure, would likely give any children watching nightmares for the rest of the week. One look at Donna and any ideas of 'palazzo' disappear quicker than cheezels at a kids' party. If she was the original muse for Gianni - the fried white hair, the leathery face, bike-pumped lips, turkey necked with no remaining eyebrows, it would be amusing to read how any newspapers or magazines try their best to make the most from an overly varnished horse's saddle, in their pathetic gratitude to have a 'star' in their midst.

And what of 'stars' who are hot now, but will soon be off the boil? Gwen Stefani springs to mind. She's in every magazine with peroxide white hair, caked-on concealer and red lipstick and apparently she even sings a little. However she's my age (37), and youth is most valued in the pop world (even Madonna knows that). When she slips gradually out of the A-list to the David Hasselholf D-list, are we going to endure seeing her on our TV screens handing out the 'Australian of the Year' awards?

...I probably wouldn't mind so much if it was Jude Law - no doubt recovering from his sixth marriage, 17th affair, 5th stay at Betty Ford and his 3rd facelift. Even then it'd be just my luck that he'd be imported here to emcee the Mardi Gras in Sydney and do a quick advertisement for Depend undergarments.....

No comments: