Melbourne Cup...... of crap

As you can tell from the above title, I'm no fan of horseracing. In fact, I'd rather suck a bird turd that watch the Melbourne Cup race or any horse race for that matter.

Love Chunks got a letter in the Age a couple of years ago that said "Ah, horseracing. It's obviously the time between the end of the footy and the start of the cricket season." Most people we knew read it, smiled and emailed him to state their total agreement.

For the past week, our local paper 'The Advertiser' (about one notch up from the NT News, but only because we don't have many escaped crocs down here), has either had a photo of a horse on the front page or some bimbo from a modelling agency wearing what is referred to as a 'fascinator'. In reality, these fascinators look like the gal's had a few feathers stuck to her head with some Clag and a party streamer thrown on top for good measure. Any member of the Anti-Cancer Council would have heart palpitations if they saw them.

In addition, these chicky babes seem to be the 'face' of various horse races. Why a 22 year old is considered knowledgeable enough about the horse breeding and racing industry to represent a particular million-dollar race is beyond me. That is, unless she's got the ability to wear a 'fascinator' and not feel like a complete berk and can speak in that peculiarly peg-on-the-nose nasally twang that old stablehands and commentators possess only in the horsey world.

And what is with the names of these horses? Horses are magnificent animals in terms of beauty, athleticism and temperatment. Yet in today's all-important, so-called 'race that stops a nation', Melbourne Cup, they've ended up with pathetic names that their owners must have thought up whilst snorting sudafed with vodka cruisers. The poor creatures had been saddled (yes, pun intended) with such gobble-de-gooky ones such as:

• Makybe Diva - didn't they know how to spell 'maybe'?
• Eye Popper - whose, the horse's from being whipped throughout the event?
• Railings - a reminder for the nag not to run into them?
• Demerger - owned by a family business that's determined never to list on the stock market?
• Dizelle - what Anna Nicole Smith thinks she's called after her morning vodka and mogadon?
• Vouvray - named after a vaccuum cleaner, exotic dancer or a new European hatchback?
• Umbula - an unsightly pustule or boil - 'Oh yuck, check out the umbula on his neck....'
• Rizon - either a new washing powder or the no-name version of Viagra
• Kamsky - the sort of sausage meat the horsey will end up being if he doesn't perform well enough in the race
• Mr Celebrity - feeble wish of the horse's old, fat and charisma-free accountant owner
• Portland Singa - Coastal Victorian town crossed with a gangsta version of 'singer'?
• Lachlan River - where he swims after an exercise session or where he'd like to see Lachlan Murdoch end up?

The weight of the little jockeys is more frightening than seeing the Olsen Twins weekly calorific intake of big coffees and cigarette smoke. According to the office sweep info, their weight ranged from 48kg to 58kg. Granted these blokes are tiny, but most of them have to starve themselves to be as light as humanly possible for the race, so they end up looking like hobbits just released from Auschwitz. I'm absolutely certain I could take the 48kg guy and snap him over my knee like kindling - seeing as I'm exactly 20kg heavier! These mal-nourished munchkins are celebrated for their starvation and are publicly filmed when they step on the scales and show us all how tiny they are. For heavens' sake Ashley and Mary-Kate - share your coffees with these sad little men!

Still, at least it's over for another eleven months. Now I'll have to put up with a stream of articles and news stories on 'The new Shane Warne' and 'The Intelligent thoughts of Boof Lehmann', or 'David Hookes - his maturity, sense and smarts' (written by his 26 year old girlfriend, not his 49 year old wife).....