So-called Best and worst dressed 2005

And to think that I've already scored a free laugh this past week with the marieclaire/L'Oreal winning hairstyles (see http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/2005/09/dumb-hair-for-women-you-may-remember.html), but 'Who' magazine is even better in that tragic, not-meant-to-be-funny-at-all kind of way.

Firstly the judges are Megan Gale (30 year old model, best known in Italy); Alex Zabotto-Bentley (Fashion Assassin label and who looks like an orange-cheeked baboon with a botox fixation); Amanda Briskin (Mimco label, wearing so many beads it's a wonder she can lift her head up); and Matthew Eager (just listed as 'designer' who looks like your suburban hairdresser in the mall next to Coles and Bakers Delight).

These esteemed arbiters of fashion taste selected Nicole Richie as their number one fashion choice. Sure, the five outfits featured in the issue are rather good ones, but what about the 456 other ones that feature her in nothing but string, a big handbag and sunglasses wider than her own arse? The girl is so emaciated that the bangles she wears now slide up under her armpits!

Second is Kate Moss, pictured in three outfits, and looking sour in two of them (she must have inhaled some of her druggie man's breath for the third one). Why these four judges consider that a self-involved stick wearing shorts smaller than my undies combined with wellington boots is stylish is beyond me. Every time I clap eyes on a photo of Ms Moss I always wonder just where her child is - most photos seem to be taken when she's off work, but still no kid to be seen. Is he out of fashion, like so three years ago?

Scarlett Johanssen got the guernsey for number three most stylish, yet one of her winning outfits is a satin white skirt with a tucked-in yellow top that makes her appear as though she's a tampon well past it's use by date. The constant red lips remind me of a comic book drawing, but Michael whathisname (Judge 4) announces that 'I just think she looks so Doris Day but 2005.' OK, so we now know which team he bats for.

Number 4 best dressed made me choke on my coffee and squirt it out of my nostrils - the Olsen Twins? Since when on god's green earth did anyone grounded in reality consider that ankle-length size 28 cardigans, cymbal-sized sunnies hidden behind big buckets of take-away cappuccino equate to having good fashion sense? Judge no 2 - the Botox Babboon, slayed me with his comment that is so far out of the realms of normality that we might as well tell the Mother Ship where he lives so that they can take him back home. He said that the two peg dolls 'are the epitome of the vintage-collectible, trash-market, incredibly chic....they've had the $100 challenge every single time and it works.' No it doesn't you stupid, orange little alien man.

Number 5, Kate Hudson. No arguments from me, although the poor love looks like she needs a darned big feed. Number 6 - Lyndsey Lohan..!! The three outfits put in the magazine are OK I guess, but they feature her brittle blonde hair and preying mantis-bony frame rather than her natural red locks and more curvy figure. Botox Babboon doesn't disappoint though as he releases another pearler: 'She may not be a good actress but she certainly looks great in clothes.' Well then, that makes everything all OK then, doesn't it - you could almost hear him saying 'Osama might be a mean guy and everything, but he wears white so well, it's real, it says 'stuff youse all, I'm going to do things my way, it's breaking down those fashion barriers...'

Brad Pitt is down at number 7 best dressed although most of us would prefer to see him un-dressed. Sigh, Sienna Miller is number 8. I am so utterly sick and tired of this It-Girl Boho Bimbo Foetus being shoved down our throats for having style when all she is really doing is throwing on whatever she found at the top of her hamper. She starred in 'Alfie' for all of five minutes (half of it topless) and all of a sudden she puts on a batik tablecloth, some hemp twine and a floppy hat and everyone either wants to shag her or be her. If she actually wore something that fitted, matched or made sense then at least I'd finally understand what all the adoration is about instead of "Oh look, there's Sienna leaving the theatre. Doesn't she look adorable in those kitchen curtains, hula hoops and tea cosy?" And Botox Babboon has the last bullshit-laden words: 'It's very British as of now...skirts as dresses, belts and necklacces.....it feels very real.' Mother ship, where ARE you?

Kelly Osbourne and Johnny Knoxville at numbers 9 and 10 respectively only elicit this response from me - why aren't they together? Think of the babies they would have - mutant 'South Park' rejects wearing clothing loud enough to be heard three nightclub openings away.....

The ten worst dressed celebs are all deserving of that title - Paris Latsis, Helena Bonham Carter (but 'good on her for wanting to dress like a gothic Miss Haversham' I say), Courtney Love, Fergie, Nicolette Sheridan (using the Joan Collins method of ageing gracelessly), Tom Cruise (a little plastic army man in blue and black), Pamela Anderson (her mum must be so proud), Dave Navarro (uglier than the bottom of our recyling bin), Bai Ling (does she actually, like, work anywhere) and Kevin Federline (please pull up your pants!)

There's a few they've forgotten:

• Jordan - a pornographic cartoon that will pop and die if you stick a pin in her;
• Paris Hilton - for her stupid, leaned-back, hands on hips unnatural poses;
• Eva Longoria - wearing a pink pair of bathers to an awards night and a beehive that a wedding day Priscilla Presley would have envied;
• Kimberley Stewart - dental floss and beads (not necessarily together) make up the bulk of her outfits which, even then, hang off her human hair pin, starving body;
• Any rap artist - as Cher says in the movie 'Clueless' - "the guys wear like baggy pants and backwards caps and we girls are supposed to, like, swoon."
• Sarah Jessica Parker - I just don't get it - she's like Sienna's mother in terms of over-fawning admiration. Old lady hands and ropey arms, horsey face completed by a witchy poo wart, permanent dark roots and in dire need of a long session at the buffet table. She pops on a 1950s frock and everyone thinks she's a chic queen. She's not, I tell you!

I've had great fun typing this today. Wearing: old sneakers (for comfort), a gardening jumper (because I'm painting two t-shirts and don't want to get paint on my cleaner windcheater) and grey tracksuit pants - for that perfect 'drop off the kids to school' right through to 'left overs for tea' in the evening.