Saturday, November 13, 2010

Smoking on the beach in wet denim flares

...courtesy of the magazines stored in my study....



















The year was 1976 and twenty year olds Mark and Trish were in love. With double denim, smoking, getting wet and .... each other.

Trish laughed freely at Mark's jokes - it took her attention away from his Ford Cortina-sized thighs and water buffalo hair. Mark thrilled at his obvious sense of humour and the opportunity it gave him to sneak a quick peek down her cleavage.



















In 1977, they backpacked around Europe together, electing to smoke Dunhill in the hopes that being from a country famous only for Dame Edna, Barry Crocker and Skippy might make them seem a bit more sophisticated. Walks on the beach were a distant memory as they didn't want to slice their toes on the icy grey cobble of Brighton.



















Back in Australia for the lazy days of summer they bought newer, darker denim jeans and went back to the beach.

Why hadn't Mark thought to bring a hook, some bait and line, Trish wondered.
Why did Trish always fart on the picnic hamper, Mark despaired.



















Never mind, they had Vok Creme de Menthe to see them through the awkward silences over the card table at the caravan park, the obligatory snog in the beanbag at the Thomas's house for New Year's Eve and a fun mouthwash alternative to reduce the effect of ash-tray breath.



















But ABBA's domination of the music charts had finally ended and Mark and Trish's coffers were empty after shelling out forty bucks a fortnight on the mortgage for their mission brown brick veneer with cork tiling and exposed ceiling beams.

On the back of the Womens' Weekly Hoges was trying to persuade them to switch to the cheaper and bigger Winnie Blues. He might also have been hinting at at least giving 'batting for the other side' a burl or, at the very least, try some fancy dress, but Mark wasn't keen.



















Trish put the sparkle back into their relationship by making breakfast extra-special.



















..... But on the weekends Mark ruined every single picnic by gutzing down the Flake bar before they'd even arrived at the park and by generating too much BO in his polyester bodyshirt and woollen vest.

'It should be me who is sulking, not him,' Trish fumed, wishing that he'd also stop wittering about the cool new style for lampshades and could bloody well shove that candle up somewhere far darker than the neck of the now-empty Rose bottle.



















Mark knew that he was in a slump, so he bought a three-piece tweed suit with leather elbow patches, some stacked cuban heels, grew a large and luxuriant porn star mo and used only gold-plated desk accessories. This effort might have been successful if he wasn't a cable layer for Telecom.



















The early eighties saw them still together but rigid, bitter and able to afford joyless European holidays. Unfortunately with each other.

Trish's hair was now like her demeanour: frosted, and Mark would throw a fainting fit if she ever tried starting a sentence with, 'We need to talk. About those jeans tucked into your socks and being honest about WHO knitted you that abominable deer cardigan jumper!'



















By 1988, Mark was in the arms of mysterious knitter, Sheryl from Elna and Trish found her solace not in alcohol or cigarettes but her new comforts: phenylanaline and aspartame and boob-flattening lycra.

There's a lesson in this cautionary tale for all of us. Somewhere.....

21 comments:

Kymmie said...

HILARIOUS! I haven't stopped laughing. Thanks for the love. xx

River said...

The lesson is don't get hooked on logos and brand names.
Thanks for the laughs.

Anji said...

Excellent!

Elisabeth said...

Ah the passage of time. Scary to think that once upon a time my husband and I were like Trish and Mark. Almost every photo I have of me between 1976 and 1981, when i became pregnant with my first daughter and gave up smoking for good, I'm toting a cigarette.

Its not what I now call a pretty sight. How times have changed. Thanks, Kath, for all its sting this is a wonderfully witty post.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

Excellent :-)

I had that waterBuffalo hairstyle in the 70's ...

:-)

Cheers

PM

Baino said...

Hahaha! God did we really dress like that?

Anonymous said...

"Hahaha! God did we really dress like that?

In any number of years to come, people will be looking at 2010 pictures and saying the same thing...it would be more of a worry if they didn't.



BS

Romana said...

hey! I like mateus rose! no seriously!

love it. thanks.
:D

Frances said...

You forgot the Passion Pop wine for special occasions. LOL.

Kath Lockett said...

Mateus Rose always looked so gorgeous and sophisticated to me and because my parents didn't drink I was convinced that we were the only people who didn't have candle holders or (if really committed) electric lamps using the bottles as the bases.

I've got a few more funny magazine pictures that I'll trot and then - if I have the strength - it's only fair that I reveal some of my own stupid fashion mistakes. Just need to ease youse all into it first....

AC said...

Brilliant! :D

Conor @ Hold the Beef said...

Brilliant, just brilliant.

Hannah said...

Oh my gosh. That's what I'm supposed to do with cans of diet coke?! I've been DRINKING the stupid things! No wonder I always feel crook after!

Love it! And I'm embarrassed that I forgot you had this other awesome blog. I'm going to add it to google reader now so I NEVER make this mistake again. Forgive me - my brain is a messy place sometimes.

franzy said...

I had all these complaints ready about a lack of Day Eight Findings, but I read to the end!

BUT: why why why why why do you still have these magazines? You MUST have packed them in Adelaide and moved them to Melbourne along with the TV and your clothes!
Or have you been raiding doctors' offices

Well - it was worth it!

franzy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stefani said...

LOL! Great post!

Kath Lockett said...

No Franzy - I actually found them in shops or eBay since being here in Melbourne, as part of my 'research' for a memoir not yet started....

Shamozal said...

Fantastic! I'm your latest follower (all the way from Qatar) Kirsty

Achelois said...

Again you make me laugh. I need more laughs and here I find them. Thank you Kath. Original and brilliant.

Helen said...

Oh that was feckin brilliant (non-sarcastic!) So you take on a fulltime job and continue blogging as before, only better. Thanks a heap, we all feel even more inadequate! (Maybe a bit sarcastic) Whatever it is you're on, can I have some?

Helen said...

I tried some Mateus last summer to see how awful it would be after 25 years. It's actually not too bad a drop of rose for an afternoon on the deck. Not sweet or anything. I've started buying it again occasionally!