Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Clean towels are a must

I turn 42 today.

42 is the meaning of life according to Douglas Adams, and yes, I've always appreciated the value of a clean towel that's close to hand and 'Don't panic' are probably the only two words I'd consider having tattooed on my body (well, apart from 'No thanks' and 'Don't laugh').

However, there are a few other things I've learned in the past year that might benefit you too. Pay close attention to the wisdom on offer and learn not only from my observances but also my mistakes.

1. Whenever I receive a letter in a window envelope that isn't a bill it usually contains some guff with a pre-printed signature that promises 'exciting new changes' that will 'make things more convenient for you.' These completely un-bidden communications always mean a fee increase, a noticeable reduction in customer service options and more confusion. Always.

2. When Elmo is taken out of the cupboard for a cuddle, Sapphire is really, really sick.

3. The only people wearing hats, rashie vets and factor 30 sunscreen in Asian resorts are Australian. The rest are there to fry.

4. If someone says that they find your view on a particular issue 'refreshing' and then express the wish that they hope to discuss things further expect never to hear from them again.

5. Female bullies are always the first to raise their hands and spout out the right answers in class when discussing exclusion, good team work behaviours and fairness. Class 'leaders' that are voted in by their peers are in fact anything but.

6. We all forget just how debilitating a thoroughly bad head cold can be until we're actually suffering from one. The misery of not being able to breathe, smell or escape the clogged ache of one's own diseased head is a memory that mysteriously disappears long after the vaporub and flu tablets by the bedside table do.

7. Residents of Flemington are the group of people most likely to have never seen the Melbourne Cup at the actual track.

8. Residents of Flemington are the group of people most likely to be mooned by drunk men in hats and flashed by drunk orange women several hours after the end of the Melbourne cup, even if just popping to the corner shop for some milk a and a tin of chopped tomatoes.

9. Always - repeat - ALWAYS shake out your wet clothes before pegging them out on the clothesline to dry and again when fluffing and folding otherwise you'll find yourself on a packed 59 tram in Bourke Street with a pair of scrunched up and still-damp knickers in your hood that will fall down your back as you step down into the busiest street of the second largest city in the country, entertaining not only your fellow passengers but passing cars and pedestrians.

10. Sing to the dog as loudly and as proudly as you like. Who needs to impress the fat man smoking on the balcony next door anyway?

Now absorb these nuggets of truth thoroughly and never be further than a footstep away from a towel.


Lidian said...

Happy Birthday - and thank you for all the wisdom, which is not only wise (of course) but made me laugh. Always a plus! :)

nuttynoton said...

happy birthday, enjoy and thanks for the wisdom.

My wise words are when you have been for a wee in a rush make sure yoeither your flies are done u, your pants are not poking out or your dress is not stuck into the back of your knickers, oh and never believe what a politician tells you!

Karen Fayeth said...

Happy Birthday!

franzy said...

Oh! I wisheth thou the happiest of birthdays! May all the solutions come flowing to you like answers from Deep Thought.

One thing: I don't think Douglas Adams ever said anything about towels needing to be clean. In fact I think you'll find that the best ones had corners soaked with nutrients to suck on in case of a dearth of flying saucers around your particular planet.

Cat J B said...

I'm going to write these down and memorise them, they sound like true wisdom-isms that are worth remembering.

Happy birthday! (I'm only 5 years behind you...)

mele said...

Happy Birthday! Love the 'don't panic' tattoo, I certainly could use that advice 5,000 times a day

Vanessa said...

Happy Birthday to You! I look forward to another year of wisdom from you. Oh, number 5 hit the target for me. I haven't even been brave enough to document the disaster electing Leadership Positions was at miss i's school last year. Suffice to say the kid who has been at the school for one term, whose Daddy plays cricket for Aus, who threatened kids in the playground was voted in as a Cultural Captain. Oh did I mention she doesn't play an instrument or sing in choir? And then there was....oh don't get me started....
Enjoy your special YOU day!

Kath Lockett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ThirdCat said...

happy birthday, kath
(tried to think of something wise to offer you in return, but I got nothing)

River said...

Happy Birthday!
My mum's wisdom is:-If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
Mine is Never say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want said to you.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Happy Birthday Kath,

When I was 42, I thought "21 again" (literally).

You may like today's Word verification: "dogic" - which is simply dog logic (chasing a tail makes sense after all).




Kay said...

Happy, happy, happy, happy birthday Kath!!

Kath Lockett said...

Third Cat, so much of your writing is witty and pithy and brilliant, so just a 'happy birthday' will do

River, you're wiser and more restrained than I am, unfortunately. There's a certain mother and child combination that I'm itching to 'talk to' but Love Chunks is aware of this and making sure that I don't get to 'bump' into them!

Plasman, maybe 42 isn't the meaning of life, but just 'dogic'?

Thank you Kay - I'm sipping a rose as I read this, so am already glowing slightly. With happiness, of course!

Helen said...

Happy birthday! i can just imagine the laundry issue happening to me... I find socks in my pockets about once a week s it is.

Have a wonderful day and make sure you have just a little bit too much chocolate!

Kath Lockett said...

Thank you Lidian - never let it be said that I don't do the least I can possibly do in order to help others.....

Nutty ah yes, the tucked-in-skirt syndrome. I recall an office floor laughing at poor Deb, who'd wandered around ALL LUNCHTIME with her skirt tucked into her tights before someone pointed it out in the lift as she was heading back into work. All of a sudden her chuckles turned into tears when she said, "But I've just spent my entire lunch hour in Sainsburys!"

Thanks Karen. My hoodie is free of knickers today.

Franzy, I'm amending Douglas Adam's original rule - they should be clean. Haven't you - come on, at least once - rubbed your face vigorously on a manky towel that's long overdue a date with the Fischer and Paykel and got a distinct whiff of damp crotch?

Mele, if 'Dont Panic' could be done in some sort of symbolic design I'd seriously consider having it down. Words though - tattooed permanently - errgh.

Thanks Cat - I'm sure to have more hard-won 'advice' to share in future. 37 you say - a mere babe!

Vanessa - it happens at every school, doesn't it? I'm now sitting here, worrying that I'm worrying too much about it and whether I should let Sapph work things out herself or ..... or ...... ah, the powerlessness of being a parent who'd dearly like to interfere...

Nick said...

We now have sunscreen 100 SPF over here. You could lie on the surface of Mercury all day and not break a sweat.

R.H. said...

Happy birthday, you're getting on a bit but you're alive.
If you can't say something nice say something insulting, notice is always appreciated.

Deep Kick Girl said...

Happy birthday for yesterday. I've been 42 for 6 months now and it's not discernably different from 41. What do they say: You're only as old as the man you're feeling [I'm paraphrasing]... and mine is still only 41. Does that make me a Cougar?

Anyway, I've taken your life lessons on board, thank you. I'm just hoping the undies falling out on public transport is just a problem you've dreamt up rather than experienced... An ex-co-worker got on the train in her slippers in the Blue Mountains and therefore turned up at work in the city wearing aforementioned slippers. Ooops.

Have you started the new job? If so, do tell...

Maria said...

Happy Birthday for yesterday.

Your writing is absolutely brilliant! Your list of winsdoms made me laugh so loudly just now that I scared a small flock of birds away.

I hope you have a fantastic and cocolate filled birthday!

Maria said...

By the way - 'winsdoms' = wisdoms.

Kath Lockett said...

Nick I need some of that sunscreen over here - I get wind burned in winter!

RH, you're right. Being insulted about the truthful reality of ageing is indeed confirmation that I'm being noticed, if only by cheeky old buggers like yourself.

Sadly, DK Girl, the undies did fall out of my hood on the tram. Instead of shrinking in shame, I played the clown by brandishing them, putting an overly horrified look on my face and then shoving the knickers straight into the bin....

Maria, to receive a comment as lovely as yours is just another 'present' for this old birthday bag :)

Romana said...

#9 resonates with me. Luckily, no undies look for a quick get-away, but certainly a forgotten wet sock making its way down the leg of my trackies.

Romana said...

shit, and happy birthday! (albeit belated).

Hannah said...

Happy, happy birthday, you hilarious-yet-ever-so-wise woman you!

The part about the bullies... yes. Bloody smarmy high school girls! I've yet to have knickers appear in my clothing unannounced, but I frequently find peas in my bra. Does that count?

Kath Lockett said...

Thank you Romana - ah yes, the stray sock in the trakkies - I'd forgotten that one - mine often end up the corners of the fitted bed sheets.

Thanks Hannah. Peas in your bra? What on earth are you doing in the kitchen?