Sunday, January 31, 2010

Friends, Romans, Countrymen














Usually I’m very chatty and keen to get a laugh or at least a smile out of people but at the moment I’m quiet and not able to fill in the silent gaps.

Listening used to be very hard for me. It was difficult to wait politely for the other person to finish so that my frantic efforts at being witty, entertaining or merely fascinating could continue. Yes, there's a pretty easy psychological study right there: the need for acceptance, to be liked, to be considered a success at something no matter how minor ('Oh, she's good at making small talk at barbecues.')

Writing is normally easy, too. It may not be literature or win me any awards, but sitting at the keyboard tapping away was less strenuous than playing the clown at parties and a hell of a lot more helpful. At the moment though, the words aren’t there.

Sapphire's only ten-and-a-half years old but immediately sensed that things weren't right and out of respect for her intelligence and perception LC and I felt that she deserved to be told. Not all the nitty gritties of the past but why I haven't been smiling as much lately and don't always feel like leaving the house. Why a sensible diet, running, working and applying some cognitive psychological techniques don't seem to be solving things right now. Why I'm struggling to understand that it's not anyone's fault - especially hers - that I feel this way.

She nods and likens my need to see a specialist to her recent blood test for whooping cough. "You can't fix everything on your own, Mum." She's grown tall enough this past year for her arms to almost encircle me; white musk, clean hair and the vitality of youth and trust filling the air. I nuzzle her cheek, still dazzled by the softness and her innocent unawareness of her own beauty.

She pats my hand. “I can’t imagine how hard it is Mum and I can already see, even now when you’re not feeling so good, how hard you try and it’s still nice to be with you.”

I cried in front of her then, and we hugged even tighter. We then spent the next half an hour lying on her bed, me listening to her talking about her plans for the school year and for renovating her room. The funny anecdotes she shared about last year’s classmates that made me laugh so hard a fart popped out which started her giggling in response. She’s brilliant company.

LC says that he loves me and doesn't want to contemplate a life without me. He's warm, strong and kind and urges me to talk. I respond by saying, "No, I want to hear you for a change." He spends time with Sapphire playing tennis, visiting the Queen Vic markets, cooking. He makes me coffees in the morning as a subtle way of helping me put my feet on the floor and get out of bed. He reaches for my hand and gives me impromptu hugs all the time.

I hear him.


19 comments:

River said...

LC and Sapphire are perfect treasures, Kath, just as you are. I hope the help you get is...umm...helpful. does that sound as stooopid to you as it does to me?

drb said...

Sapph has a way with words like you!!
Hang in there, it shall pass!!

xo

Kath Lockett said...

No, it doesn't River. It sounds kind and genuine - the very best sort of response actually.

Thanks drb.

Lill said...

Kath, I've read and admired you for so long now but never commented...I just wanted to pop in here and say 'hang in there'. I don't have anything very helpful to say I'm afraid - just that I love love love your blog and look forward to hearing your voice. You write so well and with such genuine feeling.

And I second River, LC and Sapphire sound like they are providing the perfect place for you to be at the moment.

PS my word verification is 'gazin'...coincidence?

Cat J B said...

I third River....treasures describes them exactly. Just the sort you want on your side and by your side when things are a bit tough.

Anonymous said...

Christ on a bike ..Gets some drugs into you....

Helen said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting Kath. I second what River said. And I'm sure Milly is brilliant company at these times too.

Baino said...

Kath I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Get some help, sooner rather than later. You're such a delight when you're on form but you can't sustain that all the time. Thinking of you. You have very understanding people around you both in the flesh and here.

Rowe said...

Kath, stay snuggled in tight with your beautiful family. They will help you through this. Keep being gentle with yourself, too.

River said...

Paragraph 2; I'm a butter-inner too. I hate that in myself, yet find it hard not to do it, so mostly I stay apart and not join in for fear of making a fool of myself.

delamare said...

Well, that brought a tear my eye. Treasures indeed.

Lorna Lilo said...

You have a lot of good stuff going on, that some people might cut off something vital for. Keep semi smiling, even if it hurts.

Kath Lockett said...

Thank you Lill - your comment means so much to me. I am 'hanging in there' and will continue to do so :)

You and River are right, CatJB

Anonymous, I am. I've long given up the 'no pills' policy because if they work (and they do, for me at least), I take them.

Helen, Milly is indeed a good (and silent) friend to me. Dogs sure as hell sense when things aren't right in the force, don't they?

Baino, you're one of the people 'here' that have really helped me, thanks.

Rowe, I've been lucky in that I can snuggle in rather well with my family because LC has asked for four weeks off work (he has months of LSL) and it was automatically granted. It seems so luxurious and sort of wasteful for him to be around, but today (his first day at home with me), having some poached eggs for breakfast, salmon pizza for lunch and fettuccini for dinner (ALL cooked by him) was rather nice!

Thanks Delamere. Writing this stuff down in my blog really does help me see things a lot clearer.

You're spot on, Lorna, in both areas.

Vanessa said...

Ten and a half year olds are beautiful people to have around - I have one of my own. Have fun just being with her and her non-expectations of you. Take care of you Kath and enjoy being cared for by your devoted husband.

LJP said...

It must bring some comfort to have the support of Sapphire and LC...
And she is right - you can't always fix things on your own. You have the support of us fellow bloggers as well! :-)

franzy said...

And we hear you, Kath.
Keep talking, and we'll keep listening. Your adoring fans are many and patient.

xo

TOM said...

Hey Kath !! Hang in there and don't forget the positive effects chocolate can have (-:

Benjamin Solah said...

Kath, really sorry to hear you're still feeling down.

I don't have any miracle cures but I'm pretty confident you'll get through it.

Lidian said...

Empathy from a world away - nodding as I read. Been there. And like you am so grateful for the best family ever. My two girls cheer me and help me out in ways they can't even begin to imagine. The DH too. I am so glad you have Sapphire and LC, and - yeah, that's all for now, am no good at this sort of thing AT ALL...

xx Lidian