Monday, January 25, 2010

Damn dog.

The black dog has returned.

With it returns the bleakness pushing me towards the numb blankness and the despair.

And let's not ever forget the guilt. Corrosive, debilitating and hurtful; constantly present.

I'm home with my husband whom I love wholeheartedly, openly and genuinely and my ten year old daughter; the sunshine and energy in my life.

And yet the skin on my face is dry and thin and feels like it will split when it is forced to stretch and produce a smile.

My reflection in the bathroom mirror, the rearvision in the car, the camera's view-finder and the dirty shop window shows my mouth sagging downwards, my eyes dead.

Smile. Smile Again.

Answer when spoken to. Reply with a question; let them know you're interested. Point out something so that they keep talking and you can try again to smile. Breathe.

Ugly. Old. Pointless. Tired. So tired. Don't want to try any more.

We walk through a national park with the cool air giving us goosebumps as the sun distantly glints through the top of the tree canopy. I want to find a warm, dark spot and lie down. To be silent; to hide.

But I can't. I won't.

I can get through this. I have before and I will again.

For some reason, even as I feel myself sliding down, down into my solitary hole of shame and despair and guilt, I can still hear my husband and child and the concern in their voices. And I'm listening: I do understand. They love me: it doesn't matter why or whether it's deserved, they just do.

And that's a good thing.

I will get through this.


River said...

Do you take any vitamin supplements at all? I know the reasons for depression are many and varied according to personal circumstances and individual makeup, but I also know that vitamins B, C and D have been known to help. For dry skin you could try an oil based moisturiser? I wish for you much wellness and happiness, Kath. It's all I can do at this point.

Rowe said...

Forget the smiling, Kath. And don't look in the mirror. The mirror is a one dimensional reflection that has no sympathy for any of us.

Cat J B said...

Kath I feel for you. I have never been there and am forever thankful for that.

As per River with the vitamins. Maybe give the choc a rest (refined white sugar) and get some natural fats in (or raw) whole milk, organic butter. Grass fed beef.

Enough practical advice.....we love you and are thinking of you.

Helen said...

Oh gosh Kath, I really hope you feel better soon! I have no wise suggestions like the others, but I hope you can fight your way out of this. I'm thinking of you!

delamare said...

Really sorry to hear it's back Kath. Please remember that it will leave again, and that there's no choice in it being here. It just is. (And I find that fish oil supplements can help ... sounds a bit mad, I know.)

Anonymous said...

For heavens sake seek help with MEDS... Too hard to battle alone and not necessary

franzy said...

Sorry, Fido. You ain't needed here no more. Let's you and me go for a short walk behind the milking shed and leave Kath to get on with things.
Oh, it's just my daddy's old Winchester ... come along now ... there's a good boy ...

We're here to help, Kath.

vanessa said...

Kath, I only know you as a voice on our radio (WA) and thru that I have come to love your blog. Your honesty touched me deeply. I have just come to feel the sunshine myself after similar feelings. Sounds corny but a gratitiude journal helped. You are loved. Vanessa

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Kath,

Really sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I know all about depression because Mrs PM suffers from it too. So does my Mum.

She has her own black dog to deal with every so often - I just wish I could beat it off with a stick on her behalf.

Take care


drb said...

Hit the treadmill!!!
That will chase the dog away!

Christine said...

Sorry to hear you're going through this at the moment. I've had a long history with depression as well so I feel for you.

It sounds rather basic but I've found that when I'm feeling particularly bad that cutting out the caffiene and upping the B vitamins really helps.

lady jicky said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself and just float.
If this is not working there is nothing wrong or shameful in visiting your doctor for help and if he/she is not understanding enough - remember this - there are lots of doctors out there .

Lorna Lilo said...

You'll get through this again, it's just a moment in time. You should get on a plane, anywhere and just be free for a while.

Kay said...

Thinking of you Kath....

Deep Kick Girl said...

For what it's worth, I'm thinking of you dear Kath. There are lots of people, both real and cyber, who love you and care about you. You will get through it. Fact.

Anonymous said...

I have tears for you Kath :( Such powerful words you have written here.
Wishing you strength and peace.

nuttynotons said...

support DRB, exercise is supposed to be a great help, the endorphins have a positive effect, try and use that and your family, look forward to the future, we are all on your side

Kari said...

No amazing words of inspiration just keep going. . . . . it will get better and easier. Just know your enthusiasm for life, ability to find humour in little things, and how you have built a wonderful life based on your passions inspires me and has made me smile for 12 years! Take care of you . .. you're very special to many people.

Kath Lockett said...

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I am getting help and that's half the battle I think; realising when your own efforts aren't always enough and that some expert help is needed.

I started this blog several years ago as a way to fight off depression; never thinking that I'd still be writing it - and looking forward to doing so and reading comments and visiting other blogs - over 600 posts later.

Your comments mean a hell of a lot to me.

the projectivist said...

peaks and troughs, Kath.
i'm thinking of you.

Benjamin Solah said...

Kath, been there frequently and will be there again. So really feel for you.

Seems the disdain for Roddick might've helped :)

Jilly said...

Kath, my lovely, we are here - we love you too and I'm only a short flight away if you want to visit (or me to come over). I knew it, when I saw the photos of your trip... xxx Jilly

Pandora Behr said...

Writing to stave off depression - know it all to well. Honouring the feeling, accepting and moving on is the hard bit.

Hope the cycle breaks soon - it will - you know it does, and congratulations and well done for getting help - too many of us don't.

Val said...

Of course your family loves you and deservedly so. You mustn't put yourself down, you are clever, funny, attractive and write wonderfully and seem a great wife and mother to me.

I'm sorry depression comes back to you and I'm glad you're getting help. My suggestion would be treat yourself well, get lots of sunshine and exercise (don't hit me, but maybe less chocolate??) while you get back on track and take the meds and vitamins and you'll soon be feeling great again.

eleanor bloom said...

Sorry to hear Kath! Ugh.
You bring such joy to so many others, and yet you have to suffer this! Life's darn weird.

My wee attempt to assist is this: when the black dog starts its monotonous ranting, smothering you with grey, just watch it and know it isn't you. You are the one who is able to watch it. That greyness is not you. So just watch the silly beast and accept it. Let it rave. And know it is just a temporary and false beastie. It has no real power. The light (sounds soppy I know) that is the real you will always be there and will never be dimmed.
You just have to get through each hour as you can and don't think ahead. Life really ain't a big deal. You are loved and loveable no matter how you are. Accept what's good around you, and don't think! This too shall pass.

Just keep it simple and go with what you feel you need, even if the dog whines on about 'selfish' and 'useless'. The real you knows what you need at this time so listen to that deeper inner voice; and if you can't hear it through all the grey then just accept help. Overall, LET GO. Just let go and get through each hour and you'll be taken care of. Just try it.

Big hugs Kath. xo