Thursday, July 23, 2009

Grumble Bum

It's time for a whinge. A blog rant; a Seinfeld-esque (at least to start) "have you ever noticed...?" style gripe about things that have been annoying me lately.

Have you ever noticed:

If you tie up one shoe because it feels a bit loose, that you then have to tie the other one up or it doesn't feel right?

How ridiculously breathy and exaggerated the male and female voiceovers are for Channel ten promos. "Sergeant Watson has..... a dilemma...... Will she be able to...... deal.... with it?"

"Tomorrow night it's ...... scorching the west and seventeenth precinct ...... but NOT for the murdered call girl.......that Detective Blakely discovers ...... with her ..........head missing...!"

That packets of healthy cereals always feature glistening photographs or illustrations of fresh berries, mangoes and scoops of macadamia nuts on the box but they constitute less than one percent of the total ingredients?

You always have to violently sneeze just as you have your mouth full of meusli?

Plump forty year olds don't get served very promptly in sports stores. Not even when they've grabbed a $199 running shoe off the display wall and are looking around for someone to help them. Grrrr!

People always tap on the glass of aquariums even though there is a printed sign that says 'Please do not tap on the glass.' When has there ever been a time that a fish or frightened lobster has stopped in their tracks, turned to stare directly at the tapper and said, "Yes?"

Big M lite sucks babboon butt. If I was blindfolded, I'd be struggling to identify it as milk, let alone with a coffee flavour. Why does Melbourne; a city renowned for its restaurants, fabulously creative and fresh foods, think that this tepid pondwater is worthy of their custom? And why does Farmers Union have every variety of their iced coffee available here except for their Feel Good? Why, god, why?

No phone call after 10pm is nice news. It might not be the dreaded death call either, but is likely to be a favour you definitely don't want to do, an argument or a bare acquaintance (from years ago) asking if they can '...stay just for a few days, you'll hardly know I'm here...'

Advertisements in print and on the telly that say 'Prices start from', which essentially means that the $99* holiday to Bali is actually $3699 after taxes, choosing to fly out on a day ending in 'y', wanting to sit down on the plane, being able to walk through customs without a lubricator-less cavity search, a visa and somewhere to sleep when you get there. Same goes for television sets, cars (oh if you want doors, glittery paint, air bags, CD player or to be able to take it out of the showroom and onto the governement-sanctioned roads you'll need to pay another $3000...') and anything on sale at anywhere 'crazy'.

The stupidity of radio, cricket and football commentators who:
  • Want to 'garnish' support
  • Have six of one, a dozen of the other
  • Respond with 'For all intensive purposes'
  • Play with all holes barred
  • Need to find the 'spare of the moment'; and
  • behave like a fool in a china shop

And worst of all, Sapphire now risks heart failure to run to meet her friend Sarah at the school gate and disappear, thus denying me the chance to kiss her goodbye. Bugger it!


Jack42 said...

One to add to your "commentator" list:

The person will be VUNNERABLE to attack.

The reactor is NOOKULAR.

The Man at the Pub said...

Yes. The Channel 10 voice over lady does sound like a phone-sex operator. Shocking isn't it.

And why is it that they can put a man on the moon, but I still get these terrible hangovers?

And why do these lycra dancing trousers go saggy after just one night's fun? Bring back the old canvas ones I say!

Kath Lockett said...

Ah yes, Jack42, I forgot those, and Aust-Tray-Yah for the Eddie McGuires out there.

Pub Daddy - LYCRA dancing trousers? On a Wednesday evening? What *on earth* were you doing? ... or is it best that we don't know?

franzy said...

I have frequent voyeuristic fantasties about listening on the Ch10 voice-over couple gettin completely freaky with one another. $4.95 a minute to listen to those two making monkeys would be an absolute bargain.

They also do things off their own backs.
It's BAT, you arseholes!

Although I would like to defend the fool in a China shop idiom. What a quaint image!

'Duh how much is his vas ... '*SMASH* 'Ooops! Her-yuk!'

Benjamin Solah said...

Beautiful, just beautiful.

I hate sports commentators too, especially sexist tennis ones.

Oh and I could rant. About where I'm sitting right now...but I won't.

eleanor bloom said...

Could you hear me shouting 'yes!!!' and throwing fist-pumps into the slightly chilly Perth air?
So agree!!

And 'one foul swoop'.

And, what about the overly testosterone voice-over for, ugh, grunt, 'balls of meat'* "SAT-UR-DAY FOOT-BALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!"?

*you know the ad reference, surely?

NOTE: am now having to rid my mind of the image of pub daddy in his slightly sagging lycra dancing trousers listening to phone-sex... possibly alongside a hyperventilating franzy.

River said...

My particular grumble is the oh-so-sweet voice over advertising in Coles stores now. It started a while ago with an occasional reminder that you can now recharge your mobile phone at any register. Now it encompasses all manner of things including "hello, it's me, your shopping trolley. I love to wheel around your groceries, nut if I'm abandoned, I'm no use to anyone. If you find me please call...." this goes on now most of the day. Sickening.
You'll just have to smother Sapphire in kisses before you both leave the house.....

Helen said...

In that case I hope you never sit thorugh a South african weather forecast. Or a news bulletin ("The elections were dodged with contra-versy")

Cat J B said...

Oh yeah....

"Price range from....... " in real estate is really bugging me at the moment. So much so I had an involuntary rant at an agent over the ph today, poor unsuspecting guy. Think I'll spread the love a bit and rant at them all, much more equitable.

Kath Lockett said...

Franzy, I like the fool in a china shop one too but wish that the guy who said it had intentionally meant it that way.

Benjamin - watching women's tennis with male commentators is excruciating; esp if Sandy Roberts is one of 'em.

Eleanor - FULLY LOADED MAN! One of Sapphire's favourite ads!!

Oh you poor thing, River! My old flatmate used to come home from working in the manchester dept of John Martins (remember them?) from early November, saying, "They're playing Christmas carols. The ONE f**king tape, over and over...." It took several irish coffees to soothe her and of course I had to have several as well, just to join in, of course.....

Can you record a South African weather forecast for us, Helen?

CatJB - rant at them all, they all deserve it. Especially when they put 'low 500s' in the ad and you later find out that the reserve was 650. Bastards.

Baino said...

YOu are not in any way shape or form 'plump' so stop that for a start! They are probably putt off by the pencils dangling from your nostrils! Yeh I heard someone say there were 'realms and realms of them' . .they meant reams of course! And sorry, I rather lilked that man at the pub until he mentioned saggy lycra.

Helen said...

I can try! Our current weather guy is american - or tries to be american, I'm not sure! Either way he can't pronounce any of the town names, so I'd have to give you guys a real demo!

ashleigh said...

And Kill-O-met-er

Its NOT.


KILLO (kilo) is a prefix meaning 1000. An Meeter (metre) as in the unit of distance.

A Kill-o-met-er is something to do with murdering people you meet. Perhaps those who don't know how to say the word meaning fairly large distances.