Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'll Kiss You in the Burbs, baby!

It's been a while since I went to StatCounter to check on the words googlers have tapped in that then led to them my little blog. Discovering that Bum Faced Nit led someone (more than once)my blog the last time took a while to recover from. Today's header is from the latest batch of search phrases - except for the 'baby!' bit; that's just my own natural brilliance at work there.

Others have recently included:

Blew my skirt up. This I can actually understand. I once wittered on about my tendency to have the wind blow up me skirt when both hands are holding heavy objects (eg bags of oranges, suitcases etc). The fullsome peasant skirt craze of 2005 meant that it tended to occur fairly frequently, and always - yes always - in a public place. Like the Magill and Portrush Road traffic lights during rush hour. And it's not flattering to see fat old blokes in white delivery vans sniggering, either.

Woman humping lawn figurine.

This is an utter mystery to me and I can't remember what blog article led them here. I've mentioned that the dog likes to rub her back on the lawn, and sure, I've lowered the tone by posting a photo of her butt nuggets lying on the grass, but never have I mentioned humping, let alone to innocent garden ornaments.

In reality it should be the woman responsible for such depraved acts that is jailed, not the victim pictured here. And the perverted googler who wished to see or read about it - what on earth made 'Woman Humping Lawn Figurine' the ideal topic to look for on a quiet Saturday night?

Map of Tassie tattoo. Oh dear. This conjures up all sorts of naughty visual images, doesn't it? 'Map-o-Tassie' has been used by me to describe a lady's fun parts down south, but the idea of choosing to have either a cartoonish drawing of female genitalia or even the much-maligned southern Australian state tattooed anywhere on one's body seems very peculiar.

What's worse - a vagina or the in-bred state that time and taste forgot? And where on the body would such a tattoo be considered a smart idea? Tatts are permanent so having such piccies on a forehead, upper arm or above the butt crack might not lend itself to a career teaching young impressionable children or ruling the legal bench.

Korea consumer protection board shopping trolley 2006. Wah hey, somebody's a wild and crazy lurker, typing up search phrases such as this one! Boy oh boy when they finally were led to the correct site, I bet it made some fascinating reading and wouldn't you like to meet up with this person for a scintillating chat afterwards?

FUIC wedding cake. Now I'm going to assume that FUIC isn't the pommy clothing brand FCUK spelt incorrectly or the other four-letter variation that most people add the word 'Off' to immediately afterwards but is instead the deservedly world famous Farmers Union Iced Coffee.

FUIC is the lifeblood of South Australia, literally pumping through the veins of proud frog-cake, Haigh's and pepper pasty munching people. It is the cold milk coffee-flavoured beverage that has made South Aussies the largest consumers of milk per head of population on the entire planet. As such, it should also ensure that osteoporosis will be virtually unheard of in the driest state in the driest continent on earth. The humble brown nectar has even made its way up to the Northern Territory, thumbing its nose at the watery exrescence known there as 'Pauls', and here in Victoria, where it laughs in the face of the gluggy goo known as 'Big M'.

So, for a happy couple, sealing and celebrating their love match in a formal setting in front of their family and friends, a FUIC wedding cake is a grand idea. Classic, understated, top quality and full of flavour.

Boob shelf. This is a phrase I coined myself and it's rather nice to see that it is taking off. Boob shelves are owned by obese women who possess mammaries so large that they're pretty well sitting horizontally on their chests. Mammaries such as these give their owners the capability to rest cups of tea on top of them and sip without the use of their hands.

These poor women often try to disguise their breasty bulk by wearing large tops that tend to drape (or droop) downwards from the boobs - thus creating a sort of fabric verandah that sticks out way beyond where their hips or thighs should be. Such a top is often inexplicably paired with patterned leggings in an effort to distract others' attentions from their boob shelves but this has rarely been known to meet with success.

Rip out Vanilla Ice's blonde dreds (sic). This sounds like good advice, if rather violent.

Value of the Sale of the Century Stickpin. Having survived being a contestant on that game show back in 1997, I was invariably given a 'Diamond-set gold Sale Of The Century stick-pin from Bruce and Walsh jewellers' as a consolation prize. The diamond was too small for my naked eye to see and the gold wore off before I left the studio. My friend Ian (who won three shows and actually elected to leave and take his big stash of prizes with him) wore his as an earring exactly once before it broke.

So its value = Zero. Contestants were also given the Sale Of The Century boardgame to take home which was a poor man's Trivial Pursuit poorly glitzed up with flimsy hand buzzers and flashing lights. It was about as much fun to play as water skiing is for a kitten. Value = Again Zero.

Last, but certainly not least, we have the oh-so-mature search phrase, Backside Butt Bottom. I guess Dubya's got more time on his hands these days or there are some earnest medical students keen to venture into the specialist areas of proctology.

To be fair, I've used all three words rather liberally in this blog and will continue doing so. And yet, there's little doubt that the typist of those three words is likely to have felt a large measure of disappointment to find that it doesn't lead to an triple-xXx-rated Beautiful Buttered Buns subscription site, but here. Hah!


Baino said...

Backside Butt Bottom - 'snigger'.

River said...

Heh, the fun side of being a blogger. With the added side effect of making interesting reading for the rest of us.

Kath Lockett said...

Baino, your British Benny Hill is still alive and well inside you!

River, you're a treasure you are :)

TOM said...

I love the Gnome's Mug Shot..

Happy Australia Day !!

Catherine said...

Ah this post makes me miss you even more Kath.
Hope you are not having too many withdrawals now that you are not in easy reach of the humble brown nectar...

Helen said...

I really wonder what on earth people are thinking... I mean backside butt bottom? Were they trying to cover all their bases, just in case the search engine didn't get the message?

lc said...

The trouble with doing blogs like this is, you're going to get even more hits from such searches...

btw: good word verification: bupdo [Def: The martial art of ninja frogs.]

squib said...

OMG! You were on that show? I'm severely impressed

Kath Lockett said...

Oh aye Squib - that and 'Wheel of Fortune', but let's just say that 'Sale of the Century' wasn't my finest moment and leave it at that, shall we?

redcap said...

He he he. Bum faced nit. Reminds me of that show that was, all too briefly, on the ABC, Modern Toss. It had a sketch called Illegal Alphabet where a whole lot of people dressed as letters would run around and then form themselves into something offensive, only to be rounded up and pounced on by a mob of English bobbies. My favourite was "titbeak". I'm not sure exactly what a titbeak is, but goodness I like to call a silly person one. Try it next time you're driving: "You complete and utter TITBEAK!"

Oh and I'm with Baino. Backside butt bottom? ~snort~