Mr Migraine paid me his usual, all-too-regular visit; waking me up at 6am with a king hit to the head and a total loss of my morning. It's left me feeling groggy and hungover (but without the fun of the night before unfortunately) and, as such, in a good mood for a rant.
We blokes and sheilas here in Australia don't celebrate Halloween. Never have, and - if I had my way - never will.
Admittedly, thanks to a force-fed diet of Yank sitcoms from Bewitched, Happy Days, Family Ties, Home Improvement and Friends, most of us can name more US presidents than we can our own Prime Ministers (me included. No, not as a Prime Minister, but one of the telly-tards).
As such, we know rather a lot about Halloween and the tradition of little kids wandering around the neighbourhood trick-or-treating. Bless their sweet hearts: it's all fun when the candy is good, but if some psycho inserts razor blades or wipes the lollies on his arse an hour before handing them out then I'm sure some kiddies will regret not trying a 'trick' instead of the 'treat' they received.
We also know about Thanksgiving, and most of us are under the impression that Americans will virtually risk their savings, relationships, sanity and lives in order to make it home for turkey (surely the worst roast 'bird' in the civilised world) and some kind of pumpkin pie thing that doesn't sound too appetising to me. It seems to be more revered than Christmas which, as someone who is rather fond of presents I don't have to buy, wrap or pay for - seems rather odd.
Until a couple of years ago, our proudly Australian doorstep had never been darkened by any you-beaut ankle-biters asking us for free sweets or threatening to play a 'trick' on us. This has been a great relief considering that we may not yet have gone shopping that week or were on diets and could only offer them sun-dried mango slices or cucumber that wastarting to turn slimy at the bottom of the vege crisper.
Not so last year - about a dozen of the little beggars hammered away on the door and I was too taken aback to reply with 'Eat S**t and Die You Bastards,' but instead muttered something about seeing what we had and ventured out with the flavoured Chup-a-chups from old party bags in flavours that my daughter Sapphire clearly didn't enjoy. There the piss-weakly-clad mites stood, accompanied by their parents, who, being around my age, wouldn't have ever participated in such an American event during their own childhoods. The bloody nerve....
Sadly, my own daughter Sapphire was indoctrinated into the suckiest culture of them all as well, having been invited to a Halloween Party by one of her school mates last year. She went as 'Zelda the Zombie' courtesy of some bargain $2 eye liner and black lipstick that expertly complemented the white and red face paint I still had from my ill-fated (and tragic) efforts at face-painting at the kindy fete some years earlier.
I also took her to K-Mart and willingly shelled out cash to buy an oversized black t-shirt and shorts that we ripped up into shreds to support the concept of just having clambered out of a five year old gravesite. *Sigh*, who was I to pour my cynical lemon juice on her innocent anticipation? Yes, she even persuaded me to buy a few extra bags of lolly pops, fruit tingles and redskins for her fellow Halloweenie horrors who knocked on our door.
At her friend Simone's party tonight, she's settled for a witch's get up - much easier to do with my left-over 1990s-era black dresses and last year's make up not touched since, well, last year. I too have bought more blue-tongued zombie chews, Wizz Fizzers and sherbies in sad acceptance of our doorbell being frequently rung tonight.
At her friend Simone's party tonight, she's settled for a witch's get up - much easier to do with my left-over 1990s-era black dresses and last year's make up not touched since, well, last year. I too have bought more blue-tongued zombie chews, Wizz Fizzers and sherbies in sad acceptance of our doorbell being frequently rung tonight.
Perhaps I should accept this newish trend as one which is overdue. No, not our celebration of everything American but that we've had our Guy Fawkes' Fireworks Night banned for nearly thirty years now, and desperately need a pointless, celebratory replacement. The subsequent declaration of 'Fireworks Night' as being illegal was thanks to scores of stupid Aussie bogans and boganelles who were drunk on Summerwine and Southwark tinnies and ended up blasting off their faces and fingertips as they flung Catherine Wheels and Roman Candles into the middle of their BBQ salad table or inside the rocking Sandman of their best mate.
At least Halloween is less dangerous - in a life-threatening sense, if not a calorific one.
10 comments:
I've been conned this year as well Kath. I've finally crumbled. I've got whizz fizzes. AND I've got to take my wee one trick or treating. AND there's a barbeque afterwards so I've made loads of cups with jelly and eyeballs in them
bah humbug I say - no Halloween here! Fortunately my angels are too old for this caper, I have a really long and steep driveway and too very large and noisy dogs....ahhhh yup door knocking kids in search of lollies - highly unlikely round here : - )
I loved Halloween when living in the US as a kid. Man, did I get a great pile of lollies (I mean, 'candy') in my trick-or-treating-bag (ie. pillowcase)!
I do recall one guy giving us a trick instead though... he was a bit scary. He had a lot of chains. We didn't go near his place much after that.
I have never had anything to do with it in our house. We don't play he yankee game, and any kids come to our door either don't get answered at all, or we tell em to push orf.
Stupid idea the whole thing. Take it back to where it came from and push it into a very small place.
(Word verification: "vansh". Just add an "i"... appropriate! Mr Blogger must know something.)
Living at the back end of the unit block as I do we're left alone, but just in case any little people find their way down the drive we'll be sitting in the dark with the lights off and the door locked, pretending to not be home.
With trick or treating I tend to side with my daughter. You train your kids NOT to take candy from strangers, then on one night of the year you send them out to do just that. It's wrong.
Good news, I utterly repudiate Halloween and will never darken it's doors....
...
...well, apart from one party in 1991, and who I went as, I will never ever tell...
You mean you didn't follow my advice?!?
I held strong tonight: three cute little darlings knocked on the door and I whipped it open and looked wildly about for parents to lecture!
...
I found none and just had to say "Sorry girls" and watch their little faces drop.
You do know this is an Irish tradition or something? Sorry for that.
That and Boyzone. Both are all our fault.
Terence, you may be responsible for Halloween and Boyzone, but you're also responsible for Westlife and you have cool accents, so all is forgiven.
We've only ever gotten one or two sets of trick or treaters, and my parents politely told them to bugger off. They don't like halloween, and as a result, I've never been trick or treating or anything like that. I doubt that I'm going to let any kids I have do it either, but that's partly because the ensuing sugar highs would be unbearable.
And Kath, pumkin pie is awesome. My mum makes it sometimes, and it's really, really yummy, especially with whipped cream and custard. I know it sounds gross, but when you think about it, so do pumpkin scones.
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