She was all over me like a cheap suit..... *

My arts reviewing duties for the Independent Weekly are conducted with scientific precision. Yep, the right side of the brain is also at play here. What tends to happen is that I'm emailed a list of books, movies and CDs that need reviewing and asked to select which ones I'd be prepared to have a go at.

With the very best of intentions and despite having a mind chock full of useless pop culture information that also proves valuable during Quiz Nights, I often find myself selecting items for review based on their titles alone.

This is how the ‘Scars of Broadway’ CD ended up in my possession. I was only after reading the lyrics sheet that my heart started to sink. This was no brand new, cutting edge musical ready to sweep the rest of the Western World, or a witty compilation of hits from the past. Oh no.

Here’s a preview from one song, enticingly called ‘Chemicals’:
“I smacked your face

You fell in love when I said f**k your Mom
Come eat some chemicals with me"

It was then rounded off with: "I p**s on your face while you suck on my c**k." To be honest, I wasn't sure that such an act was physically possible, but what does an old fuddy duddy like me know? What I did know, was that I didn't want to read any more of the liner notes or place such a disc into my stereo system, let alone attempt to write a 200 word piece on it.

To cover my (not insignificantly-sized) arse, I asked the arts editor, the following:

Would you like me to attempt either:

1) a (hopefully ‘light hearted’) review on it from a daggy nearly-40-something perspective;

2) using it as a non-absorbent coffee cup doily; or

3) returning it back to you to refer on to someone who may ‘enjoy’ or know more (not hard) about this style of music than I?

Thankfully, she was more than happy for me to use it as a cup holder. I did for a short time before discovering that one of my karate sensei's sons was a big fan of 'System of a Down' who some of these Broadway Scars chaps were a short time ago. She was going to have a wee listen to the disc before deciding if she too, might use it as a petri dish cover at the lab she works at or hand it over to her fifteen year old.

It did, however, get me thinking about lyrics that I've enjoyed, sung along to and not really even questioned that lurk in my own collection. Most I've rediscovered since learning how to use my iPOD and select 'shuffle' during my treadmill sessions. Let's be clear here: these are all songs that I love and are (sorry Franzy) from my 'era' of the eighties, mostly.

Here are but a few:

Then, suddenly

Like a fly in a cup of tea

I'm stirred and no longer free

To fly away

('Is it a Dream', the Damned, 1985)

What you see is what you get

What the hell did you expect

Pretty red roses, wet puppy noses

Men with rubber hoses is more like it

('What you see', Oingo Boingo, 1981)

We learned more from a three minute record baby

than we ever learned in school

('No Surrender', Bruce Springsteen, 1984)

The steps of the stone church

are peppered with confetti hearts

Like a million little love affairs

Waiting to fall apart

('I won't take the blame', Del Amitri, 1991)

Get that Wasp off my sandwich!

('Hey Wrap, The Saw Doctors, 1992)

...... there are so many that the topic could really be a blog all of its own. Do you have any you care to contribute?

* (an eighties KISS song, long after the heady heights of their popularity and when they finally wiped the make up off and found that no-one, apart from my metal-head, accounting student boyfriend at the time of 1986, actually cared)