Thursday, May 10, 2012

Post influenza huskiness put to profitable use

“Hello and welcome to Call 1800-UGH for your dose of sensual reality....Kath speaking.”

“Er, hi. What do you, um do?”

“I’m glad you asked, er – what’s your name....?”

(Pause). “Trevor. Yes, it’s Trevor.”

“Okay, ‘Trevor’, this is the deal. I describe to you a typical Wednesday night for long-time-married couples. No soft rock soundtrack or flattering lighting but all the squelches, stumbles and housekeeping requirements of the real thing. You are my star in this particular scenario, my darling. All you need to do is sit back and listen. Does that float your boat?”

(Quietly) “Yes.”

“I can see (taps away at the keyboard) that your credit card number has been approved, thanks for that Trevor. Shall I start?”

(Louder this time) “Yes!”

"Trevor? Are you ready for bed? Thanks for putting the bins out, love.

Why dontcha log off the computer and make yourself nice? The dishwasher’s on, Cody’s staying over at Jackson’s and Zoe is already dead-to-the-world with her Skype headphones twisted around to cover her eyes instead of her ears. It's only 9:30pm and there's nothing good on TV. (in a sing-song voice) It’s Wed-nes-daaaaaaaay.....

Oh sweet heart..... you flossed!

But could you – before you jump in – fold up your trousers and put them on the chair? Unless they’re dirty and then could you put them in the hamper? Loveypuss, I know you'd rather whip them over your head like a lasso before flinging them out into the hallway and it was hilarious and erotic the first time you did it but not now. And can you close the door - you know how curious the dog gets.

.........No, I’m not trying to spoil the moment but it is hard to feel raunchy when you’ve got to shake the dust bunnies off a heap of clothes in the morning and squeeze them into the second load.......

Let’s try again, shall we? You wait here – no, don’t start without me – while I go for a twinkle and clean my teeth....."

(clearing his throat) "What are you doing now?"

"Bear with me, Trevor dearest. I'm going through my nightly ablutions. You don't want almond meal between my two remaining teeth or have to dodge my dragon breath, do you?"

(Hurriedly) "Definitely not. Continue. Please."

"Alrighty, Trevor. Don’t you DARE turn on the reading light or I will not leave this ensuite!

There. I’m in. Oh yeah, the tap water is cold, isn’t it. Guess I should have rubbed my hands together for a minute or two before touching you.

Feel your way baby. That’s not a spare tyre, they’re speed bumps on the ride of your life.

What the....? Never mind, a bandaid just slipped off your elbow. Are we shagging or swimming, heh heh.....

Ooops, pardon me. All this thrusting ends up pushing a bit of gas out.

Sorry about my legs, too. Forgot to shave them this week, so it seems like we’ve sort of created a weird hairy Velcro effect, haven’t we....?"

"Oh Kath, you've nailed it; you really have. I'll be back again next Wednesday."


Andrew said...


Kath said...

Bad or good?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

Whipping clothes around your head ISN'T funny?

My GOD! Mrs PM NEVER told me. Mind you, she does does roll her eyes and say "FOR GOD'S SAKE GET INTO BED YOU UNTIDY MORON!!!"

Do you think she's trying to tell me something?




The Elephant's Child said...

Sadly, this reminded me more clearly than I like to think of some of the 'regular' Lifeline callers.
However, I believe (know) that there is a very profitable phoneline business for you. Certainly the money would keep you in cough drops.

JahTeh said...

Where do I sign up?
It's only to remind me how much I love divorce.

drb said...

Definitely a niche market there!

Hannah said...

Bahahaha! Oh, I may have just dodged a bullet by again recently choosing to remain in my singleton nook ;)

Kath said...

PlasMan, that's Mrs PM's 'love call' to you. Ours is nose blowing - he'll honk in one room of the apartment and I'll return the call from the other side of the building!

E-Child, do you mean Trevor or my good self as the Lifeline caller?

JahTeh, that's fair enough. Have you ever thought about setting up a similar service to help you afford all those gems and jewels you crave?

True, true, drb. Not sure where I'd 'advertise' such services though! :P

Hannah, 'dodged a bullet'? Clearly he wasn't the right one for you then if you think of it like that. I often think that LC arrived with an invisible bow on his head, like a gift.

The Elephant's Child said...

I mean Trevor. Your dulcet tones obviously aroused him in ways that are beyond my comprehension. Given the sucess you achieved with him the same dulcet tones could make scads of money murmurring sultry nothings whilst clad in yesterday's daggy clothes.

Kath said...

E-Child, thanks for that - you've give me some new 'lines' for the service.

"Trevor, I'm here; ready and waiting for YOU, hot stuff. I'll just unzip my polar fleece, kick off my ugg boots and - OK, just for you - not put in my mouthguard for tonight..."

The Elephant's Child said...

Oh yes. You are clearly the mistress of the phone.

Wally The Walrus said...

Hmmm. Whatever brought that on?

Perhaps you need to take your temperature, have a panadol and bit of a lie down?

OK, it was quite amusing and might even be moderately accurate. Though perhaps just a tiny bit too much information?

Elisabeth said...

Yours is an imagination to die for, Kath.

As awful and yet endearing as this encounter might be it left me feeling a little sad for the reality of life's desirous moments, the ones we wish could be better but get marred by life's inevitable vicissitudes.

I don't think this post will get censored by the thought police out there. It's a little too cryptic,however explicit it might be.

All the Trevors in this world might cringe. What is it about that name?

River said...

I've known a couple of Trevors and I think this sort of thing is just their style.
Are you taking this on as a full time job? Or just in your spare moments? Hmmm?

Kath said...

Wally love, it was a lingering, husky voice after the long and annoying effects of my recent flu finally died out. I wish to assure you that some of the scenes depicted in my phone scenario have been based in fiction or provided to me by mates over a glass or three of wine. :)

Thanks Elisabeth. I chose 'Trevor' as a bog-standard man's name that could cover a birth date from the 1940s to 1970s.

Just a naughty contemplation, River, so if you want to take this idea and run with it yourself, be my guest! :)

FruitCake said...

Looking forward mightily to the next instalment of this sordid tale.

Kath said...

Fruitcake, you'll have to give me your credit card details...! :)

nuttynoton said...

This is just too close for comfort, we have some swingers where I live I think I could get you an earner on this with a little bit of advertising.
I think you may be on a winner that
beats the television Xperience and Babestation.
Made me chuckle though, the close to life experiences do!!

Kath said...

Thanks Nutty. I had to reassure Love Chunks that it's most definitely NOT based on us - just an amalgam of what it's like for 99.99% of long term couples!

Jackie K said...

I can relate to the request to put dirty clothes in the hamper and not leave them on the floor for me to pick up... I have had to stop a quick request turning into a tirade and ruining the moment :)

Kath said...

....or my father said, 'Trying not to conduct a 'to do' for the next day in your head', Jackie K!

Andrew said...

Wicked, amusing.