Sunday, May 13, 2012


As a cash-strapped lowly-paid freelancer living in the third most expensive city in the world I'm grateful for any freebie beyond muggings and the flu.

A French Vogue magazine from August (Aout) 2011 was lurking in a pile of English 'Hello' glossies given to me by Anne, a terrific Kiwi nurse living seven floors below. Both types of magazines were gratefully received but just as incomprehensibleas each other. 'Hello' features British celebrities that are unheard of beyond their post-Coronation Street stint in rehab and/or broken engagement to a soccer player and, to me, French Vogue is, well, French Vogue.

However, I did still flick through it and noted that the glossy advertisements comprised over three quarters of the pages. The remainder featured models in poses so ridiculous that I showed a few to Sapphire.

An idea was born.

Could this 43 year old farty pants replicate any of those poses in real life?

Let's try this one:

Fabric inexplicably sliced off her left shoulder but thankfully allowing her unfettered public access to her left boob.

Very practical Versace, and a pose I adopt quite often myself:

Exhibit number two sees a woman in danger of having her face eaten by a hoodie exit her huge home; hands on hips and looking determinedly to her left.

Yep, I can do this when Milly next needs to head outside for a whizzer in the Dog Forest:

This one is clearly your typical supermodel-with-a-handbag pose. Sultry, saturated and sort of slumped. 

Perfect when waiting for the bus.

Ah, Chanel. How do we love thee?

..... about as much as I love my greenie grocery bags.

I knew an ex-model in Adelaide who told me that they were always instructed to walk with their arms well behind their shoulders. "It looks good in photos but is hell on your back, which is why no-one does it in real life," she said.  A Posh Spice-alike is demonstrating it here:

And my Adelaide friend was right. It DOES look and feel mighty stupid when done by someone wearing a Target Top from 2009; Levi's purchased during a Singapore trip, Diana Ferrari factory outlet boots and Marks and Spencer sports-strength underwear.

But why is this chick so annoyed? Surely she got paid $10,000 to get out of bed?

...unlike my good self, who is nudged awake by a wet nose and dog breath (and I don't mean Love Chunks) and is surely more deserving of a sulk?

Hot model; check. Sitting on a retro American car; check.  Looking 1970s steamy; check.

"Go outside and sit on the car, Mum," said Sapphire, now rather into her role as fashion director.
"No love, I'll dent the bonnet."
"OK then, but you have to look really sexy and not smile."

THIS one takes the cake - not that she'd ever have come close to inhaling cake - for it's sheer lack of sense.  Was she shot in the stomach during an acid flashback?

We'll probably never know.  What we DO know is exactly who does love eating cake. And bacon. And cheese. And chocolate....

Inevitably, the physical, mental and emotional strain of holding up enormous 29 kilogram bodies on 6 foot-long legs gets exhausting, especially when sugar levels drop and brain cells die:

I did empathise; and was grateful that Lyndon had almost finished BBQing the steaks just out of shot.

Sensual telephone services or Bogan Vogueing - just two new career choices to ponder.


Ann O'Dyne said...

Fabulous thanks for the belly laughs dear Kath. All of us think fashion poses and ensembles are ridiculous.
"where would you wear that rig?" is what I always think. they never show anything that could be worn to work, or at a tram stop, and they always look so unhappy because they're HUNGRY.
I have always been fond of VOGUE and HELLO!, but not for the reasons the creators hope.

Anonymous said...

hilarious!!! 2nd to last one is my favourite :)

drb said...

Bravo!!! Bravo!!!!


You brightened up my day which is cold and wet. Not June yet but already winter.

Andrew said...

All you needed was the make up. Now sit back and wait for the phone calls to flood in.

Hannah said...

This has made my day more than you'll ever know. It gives me faith that I, too, will be able to sontinue embracing and creating fun liek this throughout my life too. Thumbing-my-nose at anyone who things that growing up means no longer being able to cartwheel inside the house or make like a sexysexy model!

(P.S. You did these so well.)

Kath said...

Thanks Ann - I'm the same and love to say, "Yep, that's a perfect ensemble for the shops."

Thanks HWH - we had a few laughs during our photo shoot.

drb, I aim to please :)

Make up, Andrew, is the killer for me. I was half tempted to slick on some mascara but it was a hayfever heavy day and I'd have ended up resembling an albino Alice Cooper.

Thanks Hannah - there were a few other poses that were physically impossible to create so we just assumed that they were all photoshopped.

Sapphire said to her friend Imogen in a whisper when she thought I was out of earshot, "Can you see how my Mum is different from other Mums?"

The Elephant's Child said...

Ah but you cheated a little, in sensibly avoiding their footwear. Real women would get nosebleeds simply climbing aboard those heels, never mind trying to walk in them. Poor footwear does account for the sulky look on many of those poor souls.
Thank you so much. I needed to smile today.

Anji said...

You do go to great lengths to entertain your readers. Thanks for my start to the week with a laugh.

French Vogue has just announced they won't put any more stick models on their covers.... they will still be including diets in their articles.

You might get 'discovered' by some fashion pghotographer who just happens on your blog...

ExposeYourBlog! Joining up bloggers for nearly two years.

Kath said...

E-Child, the idea was to stay in my 'sensible' clothes. Heels higher than what I was wearing, I do not own.

Thanks Anji - well, if they're prepared to pay me $10,000 a day....

River said...

Well done Kath! I reckon you could give some of those models a run for their money.
I'll also add you've got great legs and if my arthritis should miraculously disappear I may take up running and get a waistline too.

Kath said...

You have made my day, River, as I'm currently in a troll war on the 'clerk is a jerk' post I wrote in 2010.

I *know* I should be mature and not bite back but I love receiving comments and don't want to turn them off. I'll just have to keep an eye on the excremental ones and immediately delete them.....

nuttynoton said...

What fun you must have had, I have not been "trendy" for many years if I ever was, Miss NN senior tells me I am not trendy so I aim to keep to that. I reckon we should set up an alternative fashion magazine and call it out in the sticks!! for the non-trendy carrying a few extra pounds

keep the laughs coming

Pandora Behr said...

You are very funny. And bravexxx

Marshall Stacks said...

"not bite back"? I got it in my subscription feed and came straight over to lay into them. poor judgemental loser just looking for a fight, and I wondered how they landed here in the first place, since it is clear they do not understand what blogs are for.
I always think anonymous commentors are cowards, and dumb as well to not understand that one click on their emailed comment can tell us exactly where they actually are.
X X X to you

Kath said...

Thanks nutty - I've often idly thought of a magazine for 'real' people but then, like a real person, find something else gets my attention, like chocolate or another coffee...

Pandora it ain't bravery it's a combination of silliness and stupidity.

Marshall Stacks, thank you soooo much for that and for your other 'comment' - after seven years and over 900 blogs, I've decided to attach comment moderation. It was a slightly enjoyable day biting back but today I have other things to do and I'll assume that the troll is busy with their bong or in a maths test. I see that you have a blog, but I'm not invited to it - can I have an invite, please?

Fenstar de Luxe said...

bwahahaha total gold, well done. This really put a smile on my dial :)

Kath said...

Thanks Fenstar - I'm about to visit you and see that you've been through quite a saga....

kclem said...

This is one of the greasest things i've seen! Hilarious!!

drwife said...

I would just like to point out that you are procrastinating from your newly acquired writing gigs while wearing a striped top.....two of your favorite things to do! Very funny poses and I love that Sapphire is your partner in crime.

JahTeh said...

Flat out on the grass would have been great for the blog header when you lived in Flemington, given how most end up like that after the Cups.

Nice shirt, you could have Sapph photograph you as "Where's the Wally?" in Geneva.

Jilly said...

You're a friggin nutcase! Love them all. xx

Kath said...

Thanks Jill, kclem, drwife and JahTeh - Mothers' Day procrastination it was - the fellas were cooking the meat and the other two mothers were arranging the salads!

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

I just had to show this to Mrs PM - and she absolutely howled with laughter.

A brilliant post yet again.




Kath said...

Thanks Plasman - I hope Mrs PM was laughing *with* me....

Romana said...

Kath - you've made my night. So good to see another dag in action.
Romana :)
(and happy 13th to your beautiful girl :)

Kath said...

Thanks Romana. You know, 'Dags in Action' sounds like a good name for a band!

Anonymous said...

Oh how funny, you are an absolute hoot, and what fun Sapphire must have had taking the photos!

LJP said...

Hi Kath! The shopping bag pose is a classic. Bogue could well become the new black!

JD said...

Very funny. You're a model in the making.