Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Pretend that You....

Lea from Health With Happiness has young children who love to play. Bung in some dress-up opportunities and they're like pigs in mud with the sessions invariably kicking off with the timeless phrase 'Pretend that you...'

It got me wondering what it would be like for adults to play that game. Steady on - in a non-sexual context. What would you answer to 'Pretend that you...?'

Here's a few of mine:

Slapped Tony Abbott in the face. Repeatedly, using Andrew Bolt as the weapon.

Ran in high heels without pain.

Could wear high heels without pain.

Had pets that never shed hair or, at the very least, could operate and regularly use the vacuum cleaner.

Fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow instead of three long and sweaty, fretful and restless hours later with two sessions groping around in the dark for wee trips at 3am and 5am.

Owned taps that weren't flick mixers and therefore didn't burst open and splash in and out of the cup at supersonic speed, leaving my face and shirtfront completely soaked.

Didn't need to fart the second I sit down with someone trying to interview them for an article and seem professional and in control (of persona and gas emittance).

Ate my entire body weight in chocolate and saw it reduce my fat ratio, increase my stamina and improve my intelligence levels.

Could instantly (and without ruining the environment) 'zap' and make disappear every single item of litter I laid my eyes on. Same goes for so-called 'celebrity' columnists and radio hosts.

Had visible eyebrows and lashes longer than a chicken's.

Spent the day in Parliament as the ultimate dictator removing HECS, restrictions on who can marry; bank fees other than interest, payments to private schools, stamp duty and ridiculously high retirement pensions for politicians.

Found jeans that fit me around the thighs and the waist.

Owned dishes that put themselves in and out of the dishwasher and clothes that knew how to wash, dry, iron, fold and return to the drawers and wardrobes. Had a best-selling and also critically-acclaimed novel published.

Actually wrote a novel.

Waved a wand (the fantasy equivalent of a legally-bound restraining order) and removed Sapphire's bully. And the bully's mother.

Figured out how to resolve an argument with Sapphire without first fighting the competing demons of rage, shame, humiliation and sorrow - all tightly woven in love, pride and concern.

Worked out how to let things roll off my back and not coil right through to the marrow.


Andrew said...

I am quite happy for you to do the above. You don't have to pretend.

Baino said...

Hmm . . thoughtful predenies. Please do remove HECS.

The Elephant's Child said...

That is a very impressive list. I think I would rather slap Tony Abbott with John Howard (or vice versa) though. I am so with you on chocolate.
Some of mine would include:
Finding my guilt button and disconnecting the fucker (permanently).
Learning not to weep so readily at cruelty.
Living in a country with half decent treatment of asylum seekers.
Liking shopping and being able to face replacing my clothes.
Finding some that fitted (and I liked).
Thinking before opening my mouth.
Getting through just one of my to do lists, and and and

Elisabeth said...

Yours is a terrific list, Kath. I'd like to pretend that I could write exactly as I pleased without the fear of offending someone.

Pandora Behr said...

Is Andrew Bolt dead or alive when you're slapping Tony Abbott?

Jayne said...

So, I've lodged my vote for you to do all of the above in reality, please get on with it immediately.
My rah rah skirt and pom-poms are waiting in the wings to begin cheering you on...

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks Andrew. I'm well into trying out my chocolate-all-the-time theory for increased slimness and intelligence....

Baino, gladly.

Thanks Elephant's Child. I like all of yours too.

That one too, Elisabeth. Sometimes it's the stuff you *can't* write about that is what springs most readily to mind when faced with a blank screen!

Pandora, I don't really care what state Mr Bolt is in when I use him as a human stock whip.

I will, Jayne. Just got to finish this chocolate stash first....

Anonymous said...

Lets pretend that the lumpy white stuff - most definitely from the pantry standby oh-crap-we're-outta-milk UHT carton - was not discovered AFTER I had drunk almost the entire cup...

and i mean by almost - I had to spit back the last mouthful of coffee :( after I went cross-eyed staring at the bottom of the cup....


Thanks for your link... and yes my girls are always saying 'pretend your the mum and I'm the baby...' or more recently 'pretend you the mum and I'm the rock star daughter...'

River said...

I would turn back time and NOT DO the things that would injure my back/neck/shoulder.
I would say yes more, instead of I don't think I can.
I would laugh a lot.

Vanessa said...

Is it pathetic that I instantly bond with you over the eyebrow and eyelash wish? Just this morning I had my eyebrows tinted to remind myself that I do in fact own them. It's a blonde thing.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

Nice idea!

Mind if I steal it?




P.S. I STILL don't understand why women wear high heels, let alone want to run in the things.

Wally The Walrus said...

Nice list. I especially like the bit about flickmixers. Damn things. Devil spawn.

I hate them with a passion, in showers they always result in you getting too hot or too cold and spending forever fiddling with the suckers to try and get it right (during which time 1/2 the water of the country goes down the drain.

In a shower when you usually have head full of shampoo, eyes shut, thats when you bump the bastard by accident. It never turns the water OFF, just down, and alters all the mixing so that you either get scalded or frozen.

Bloody horrible things. Whilst I'm normally a blind supporter of engineers as the people who took society out of caves and turned science into civilisation - with the inventor of the flickmixer I want to apply 2 bricks around his goolies AND THEN have him hung drawn and quartered. Civilisation took a step backward with that damn thing.

Hannah said...

I think that writing such "pretends/wishes" is the first step to achieving ALL of them. Hopefully the Tony Abbott one soonest ;)

In all seriousness, I agree heartily with many of these and wanted to hug you about the sleeping one. YES. And now my ridiculous bladder is transferring to daytime. My record this week was five trips between 9am and 12:30, with only one cup of coffee in between. GAH.

Oh, and heels? The trick is finding some that look scary but actually have lots of support. And wearing them to events where you'll be sitting down ;)

Kath Lockett said...

No worries Lea - but chunky milk isn't good in anyone's book (shudder)....

River, I agree with yours except I'd change neck/shoulder for achilles and cholesterol level.

I've never had my eyebrows tinted, Vanessa but have done my eyelashes a few times over the years. It's not fun when the dye seeps in under the cotton wool and vaseline though as you lay there in agony as the ticking clock lets you know that there's still ten minutes of 'cooking and hurting' time to go.....

PlasMan, I've stolen enough of your memes, so go nuts. LC reckons that heels sure look great (and I'll admit that they make womens' legs appear longer) but he does chuckle at seeing some victims hobble along - that undoes any 'sexiness' that the shoes might have had.

Wally, you need to set up a Facebook campaigh, ribbon day or website on the evils of the flickmixer tap. What was wrong with two, ordinary twist taps anyway??

Hannah have you noticed that in most glamour shots of hot movie stars than when they're in ridiculous heels they're always photographed sitting down? Or writhing about on a bed/sofa/male model? Surely heels are for artistic purposes and not reality? :)

Jilly said...

I loved this Kath. I am with you on the eyelashes - I've laid there in agony waiting for the time to pass, to then only see a hint of difference - but without tinting/mascara I think I look like a sick sheep - so I continue. So yes, I would pretend I have dark lashes.
I would also like to spend another day with each of my kids when they were little babies - when being smothered (with love) by me was their greatest joy - course not the case now they are older!!

drb said...

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Forget any heels that cost less than $500.
You can run in heels and wear them all days if you get a mortgage to pay one of those manolo blahnik, as evident by Carrie Bradshaw & Co in Sex and the City.

If you don't believe me, try on a pair in Myers and run around..

JahTeh said...

No, Kath, you'd have to have two players with the slappping, like English kids playing conkers. First one to knock the other's head off wins.

Even when I wore high heels I couldn't run in them more like a gentile totter.

Helen Balcony said...

"Pretend that you Slapped Tony Abbott in the face. Repeatedly, using Andrew Bolt as the weapon." Oh LOL. Twittered!

Kath Lockett said...

"A sick sheep", Jilly? I have to admit I often envy Milly the dog for her lovely, permanently kohl-rimmed eyes....

drb - maybe I should try on a pair but I'm not convinced that I'd be able to run around in them!

JahTeh, you're right. Maybe it should just be a death match with Tony and Andrew in the ring. Survivor then gets pummelled with the dessicated but strangely-strong body of John Howard...?

Helen Balcony, maybe that one could be the new 'mantra' for relaxation and calm in our troubled times.

Benjamin Solah said...

Pretend that you actually got the guts to quit your job by throwing your boss out the window and didn't get in trouble and survived off some funding to spend the rest of your life writing...

Kath Lockett said...

That's a pretty good one Benjamin!

Robyn said...

This is funny and I absolutely love thoses pigs drawn around the socket.

I'd like to pretend to be mega wealthy and be busy with sharing my riches.

I also would like to pretend a lot of your pretends and already pretend about all the daily chocolate I consume.

Great post! Thanks... I laughed out loud.

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks Robyn - you've made my day...er, sorry, 'night'!

Kay said...

Sorry to hear the bully is still around making trouble for Sapph.

And I hated those pretend games, mainly because Miss R already had the script in her head and was furious when I said the wrong thing!!