Thursday, October 08, 2009


Love Chunks celebrated his birthday last Friday and on that very same day lost his wedding ring and gained five stitches in his forehead.

Coincidence? Add a comment (or email me, all you lurkers who are scared of logging on) with your views....

When talking about what to get her 67 year old mother for her birthday, my mate Jill said, "A Black Pecker voucher" instead of the far-more safe, Black Pepper; a clothing store for the recently-retired who wish to wear t-shirts with sewn-in shoulder pads and roomy tracksuit trousers.

Wishful thinking?

I had my pen(s - always at least three in case I run out), notebook, camera and lipgloss in the backpack; hair stylishly blowdried and an assuredly professional outfit on. I'd done my research, looked the part and was ready to go. Until I spied a molehill-sized pyramid of dog vomit by the fridge door and a pungently sloppy pile of doggy diarrhoea by a dining chair.

Do I leave it for later, or clean it up now, hoping - but not actually checking - that my necklace doesn't accidentally graze the floor?

After roughly twenty years of saying, "They're crap, no-one really sees them, they just pretend to," I finally see what's hidden in a Magic Eye picture; one that's printed in a grainy Sunday newspaper comics section. My father then finds all of his Magic Eye BOOKS (count: seven) and we spend a Friday and Saturday night in matching Jason recliners holding books at arms length in front of our increasingly bloodshot eyes, unconsciously affecting stoner voices as we say stuff like, "Oh hey man, did you see the donut on fire in this one? Coooool..."

Can I use this as a dinner party anecdote or keep it to myself?

Bernadette is sick with an infected throat - the dreaded curse of a radio host - and I'm speaking to her replacement, Babs, to whom I'm introduced live on air. Her first question to me is, "So Kath, you farted out loud during a yoga class. Why don't you tell us all about it?"

What would a mature person, seeking to establish a respected and rewarding new career with more fulfilling lifestyle choices do?

Sapphire and I are sitting outside in the cold sunshine, cuddling Skipper the rabbit, drinking cups of green tea and nibbling squares of chocolate (Cadbury Bubbly, if you must know; the dark stuff is for after dinner). The phone rings, and I dash inside to answer it. The voice on the other end doesn't wait for that cautious "Hello...?" that most of us rely on, but launches straight into singing 'Happy Birthday', ending up with a grandiose 'Happy Birthday Dear Carol....Happy Birthday to yooooooou...."

Is laughing so hard that a drop of wee emerges before saying "Sorry mate, I'm not Carol" the wise option to avoid heaping shame and embarrassment upon the well-wisher?

Sapphire's had a bad day at school. Nothing earth shattering, but full of the annoyances and disappointments that can knock a kid down for a few hours. She grips my hand tight on the way home (a sign, these days, that she needs some maternal comforting) and her big, beautiful blue eyes fill up with tears as we unlock the front door to our house. She needs a hug, someone to listen to, a rabbit to pat and some fun. Before all that of course, is the urgent ablutions (like me, she's not keen on using the toilets at school). As she's washing her hands and it's my turn (we only have one toilet; it's in the bathroom, so all modesty is gone now), I want to say something to make her smile.

Surely, the classic "Don't you just hate it when you do a poo and water comes up to splash your butt cheeks?" is widely considered an appropriate opener?

Perhaps I shouldn't have acted so huffy yesterday when Sapphire said, "You're so much weirder than my friends' mums you know." After all, I was singing "Let's go to the shops" to the tune of 'At the Hop' by Danny and the Juniors.......


franzy said...

He should have tried the Homer Simpson approach and covered up with a cooking foil-wrapped bandaid. I'm terrified of losing my ring. Every time I lose a kilo or go out in the cold, it rattles around a bit too much for my liking ...

Farting on the radio? Live by the reported poo-scream, die by the reported poo-scream.

River said...

Love Chunks has stitches? Is that where you donged him with the frying pan when he lost his wedding ring?
As for the clean it now or leave it till later scenario; take off the necklace and clean it immediately. There's nothing worse than forgetting it while you're out, then coming home and finding the odour has permeated the entire house. Ugh.
I don't get those Magic Eye pictures either. To me they mostly look like someone took a photo of a pile of jellybeans or something. How do you spot something? Is there some sort of clue to look for?
Something to make Sapphire smile after a rough day? I don't think the poo story would work. How about something like "Isn't it great to get home and just be able to let go of the day, let's have some hot chocolate..."

Plastic Mancunian said...

G'day Kath,

River beat me to it - my immediate thought was that Love Chunks had suffered the wrath of Kath.

I would have left the dog vomit/liquid poo to Mrs PM. With cats, I have to suffer furballs, half eaten mice, decapitated birds and, worst of all, cat vomit (a substance that makes me physically ill). When cleaning up cat vomit, I usually end up having to clean up my own too.

I can see those Magic Eye pictures - sometimes. But I think they are a complete waste of time and I find myself bumping into things for a couple or hours after staring at them.

I too, make up stupid lyrics to songs for the benefit of the kids. They don't think I'm weird, but they do tell me to grow up (a little too often for my liking).



ashleigh said...

What's wrong with being a bit weird?

There are two long term BENEFITS that come from being a bit eccentric;

1. You won't die of boredom. Just think what it must be like for those people who are always serious. Serious businessmen. Serious corporate ladder climbing vultures. Seriously angry talkback radio hosts. God how dull must it be. Being a bit whacky is far more fun.

2. You won't get promoted. If you are seen as competent in doing your job but a bit eccentric you will climb to a level in an organisation where you will stop. You will be seen as knowing what you are doing but not quite able to be trusted at all the right moments, and so you won't get the plum jobs. Sometimes, when you like what you do, promotion comes because you are capable, and you don't always want that promotion. Being a bit eccentric helps to ensure you won't get it.

So - talk to the animals, take your shoes off in the office and walk around in odd socks, make silly jokes to the boss about his accent, talk scawtish on t'phone, and generally be a bit of an ass now and again. It makes the world a better place :)

Lidian said...

Being a bit weird (especially if you are a mom) is a BIG plus, in my book (a weird book, of course).

I just had to clean cat sick-up off a wicker trunk using Q tips this morning so am sympathetic to the desire to just leave it there. I wish I had, only the cat was looking reproachfully at me.

I love 'let's go to the shops' - I used to sing "Lydia the Tatooed lady" to my girls when they were stroller age. The other mothers at school definitely thought I was - well, weird.

Kath Lockett said...

Franzy I've been used to seeing that wedding ring in places like the hook thing on the shower shelf; next to the hammers on the shed bench; by his weights; in the car key and coin container; on the sink (when he's making scones or pizza dough) so it was days before either of us noticed.

River you'll be relieved to know that Love Chunks had a semi-regular medical check up and had a dodgy-looking mole removed. That said, he hasn't exactly rushed to assure his workmates that it wasn't due to domestic violence!

And the poo story worked - THEN we had a cuddle, a cup of tea, some chocolate and played with the rabbit....

Plastic Mancunian, I ended up cleaning the dog delights WITH my necklace on due to being in a hurry and hoping like hell that nothing 'special' caught on any of the chain....

Ashleigh, that's why we love you!

Lidian - cleaning up cat sick with a Q-tip (or 'cotton bud' to Aussies) from a wicker trunk is now an image that is permanently etched into my mind!

lc said...

Your sense of humour and fun is one of your best qualities - and that's saying a lot.

She loves it.

Have you stopped beating your husband now?

Baino said...

Did I miss something? Shoulder pads are still around? I'm the other way round with those magic pictures, used to pick em straight away. I can't do them now that I wear glasses. I could see the smartie flowers if I enlarge the picture! Poor Saph. I hope she's over her contretemps . . .doesn't matter how big they get, they always need their mums. As for but splashes. . far too much information! And really people, you need to train your animals!

Helen said...

I used to LOVE those 3D things when I was a kid! I got the books and everything, nd trained myself to be able to keep the image in focus (or out of focus?) while walking around the house!

I hope Love Chunks feels better and finds the ring soon!

Benjamin Solah said...

I'd take Sapphire's comment as a compliment. Weirder mums are better than boring normal mums I say.