Down-facing Dog

In an attempt to hopefully learn how to stretch some muscles I didn't yet know the existence of, I went to a beginner yoga class.

I eagerly turned up to the local YMCA dressed in my daggy but comfy running gear. Being a crisp spring evening, it was with dismay that I entered the gymnasium to find that the class was being held on a vacant squash court. It was freezing enough to have the hairs on my legs rise up and painfully velcro themselves against my lycra leggings, but the teacher had put out a lot of fluffy grey blankets and urged me to find a mat, grab and blanket and lie in the, er, 'dead' pose I think it was.

In the background a CD was featuring some panpipes near a running stream. The gushing water sound effects reminded me of my eternal search. In any new location I always try and scope out just where the toilets are located. Many's the trip I've spent saying, "I'll just see where the loos are; might as well go now because I don't know when I'll find some again," as though public conveniences are a rare species of orchid never to be seen again.

All too soon the purposeful jingle of Zora's gold bracelets indicated that it was time to show us beginners what this yoga stuff was all about.

Zora was around fiftysomething but one who'd fashioned herself on a hybrid of Kate Bush and Olivia Newton-John in her 'Physical' phase. She was wearing a lycra bodysuit of black and silver, covered with a loosely black crocheted wrap-around vest and a matching silver headband that barely reigned in her dyed black rock star hair. She wore enough face paint to make a cosmetics counter chick jealous and her long, wrinkled ear lobes were clearly protesting at having to support some turquoise chandeliers. Her legs were encased in tights but tell-tale bobbled lumps below her knees clearly indicated that she had more varicose veins than a senior bowls final.

"Welcome to beginners yoga class, ladies. And congratulations for venturing into an area where, if you keep an open mind and heart, you will learn some spiritual and physical practices aimed at helping your mind, body and spirit achieve a state of enlightenment, or as we like to call it, a total 'oneness' with the universe----"
THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!!!!

What the hell was that?

"......Don't worry ladies, it's just some gentlemen playing squash on the next court. Now, if I can get your attention back to me? Lovely, thanks. Throughout our journey, we will mostly be focussing on doing Hatha Yoga in this class. That is, we'll be taking the physical path using our body through Asana and Pranayama to control your mind and senses. It's more than stretching, ladies. It will open your energy channels, chakras and the psychic centre of your body."

Wow, that doesn't sound too bad for eight bucks fifty, I thought, especially if I also get to learn how to properly stretch my hammies and achilles and -----
THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!!!!

Zora raised her hand, acknowledging the challenge of running her yoga lesson against the continuing squash match. "Ladies? Ladies, we'll be working on Prayama, which are breathing exercises that will help you keep things slow and steady and also enable you to let go of any thoughts that are distracting or stressful-----"
THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!!!!

"..........which will all lead you on your own personal purification process."

Well, I just hoped that she would be able help me personally purify myself by stifling the need to do a wee as soon as practicable, thanks to that panpipin' water music. Thankfully, the first move, 'Table Posture' was a doddle. Think of it as being on all fours, with a flat back as is required when your daughter wants a horsey ride around the coffee table.
"Well done ladies, are you feeling-----"

THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!
Bloody hell Dennis, what a great shot, mate!

"......all calm and relaxed and ready to try some more?"

Yes, sort of, if only my head wasn't starting to throb from the unpredictable squash sounds. We all concentrated on doing the Dog Tilt; staying on all fours with bums down and faces looking up at the ceiling. It was a nice stretch and pretty darn easy. Next door though, Dennis's luck had changed:
THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!
Stupid F*%$ing ball!
Tough luck there Dennis!

Zora's face was frozen into a grim yet determined smile as we went on to Cat Pose. Our heads collectively dropped down, butts were pulled in and backs were arched. Mmmm, that one also felt nice. This yoga stuff is easy, I thought smugly, temporarily forgetting my full bladder and my aching head.

"It's time for a real classic, ladies: Downward Facing Dog-----"
THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!
Not bad Dennis, especially after your knee surgery!

Zora demonstrated the pose for us and looked for all the world as though she was just asking for Dennis the struggling squash player to come running up behind and give her a swift boot up the bum. Still it looked pretty easy to me as I prepared to get myself into the pose. How wrong I was. My calves were screaming in agony and my arms and shoulders were shaking at the sheer effort of supporting my ever-increasing bladder and big fat head.

THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!
Dennis - keep your eye on the ball mate! Like this, see?
THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!

"......Ladies, back to me please! You're all doing so marvellously well! Are we ready for a prayer squat?"

Sure, especially if I can sit down and massage my temples. It was just a big squat with feet flat on the ground and hands pressed together in front of our chests and not something that Dennis and his ball-bashing buddy were going to spoil for us, was it?

I all-too-hastily jumped down into position - "Paarrrrp!! parp parp! parp!"

Oh my god, I just farted out loud. In a yoga class, out in public, full of complete strangers. Did anyone hear?

Yes, they did, as all a dozen pair of eyes, which should have been focussing on their own belly buttons, were now focussed on me. Where was Dennis's next squash shot when you needed it?

"Er, pardon me folks, it must have been something I ate, heh heh heh...." I lowered my reddened face in shame whilst absently noting that it could be hidden in the downward facing dog pose.

"Well done ladies, it's time for the Gate Pose. Now put your left arm up the ceiling, like this, and put your right hand on your right leg and lean right over----"
Paarrrrp!! parp parp! parp!
"Whoops, me again, sorry about that - I'll move to the back of the class."

THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!
Thanks for nothing Dennis, you were about ten seconds too late to hide my own contribution to

anti-yoga noise pollution.

"Low Lunge time, ladies! For those of you who haven't tried this one before, it's like-----"
Paarrrrp!! parp parp! parp!

"Sorry Zora, I'm sure it's nothing like that, you just show the rest of the them and I'll pick it up as I go along." All heads turned and ignored my weak smile before swivelling back to Zora whose mouth had turned into a cat's arse of disapproval.

THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACKA WACKA THACK!
Dennis, calm down mate, it's just a friendly game, OK?
Dennis, come back mate, it was only a joke!
Dennis, where are you going?

Sadly, no-one said that to me as I sidled out of class and nipped quickly into the Ladies, never to return......