Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Danger Danger Will Robinson - there's a full on RANT heading our way!

Geez it's disheartening to be a reader sometimes. According to the enlightened, cashed-up, metrosexual, pro-feminist, militantly male readers of FHM magazine, a third of them want to marry a virgin. Yes, when they grow up. *Sigh*

Caroline Marcus of the Age writes that "Of 57,000 men polled by men's magazine FHM, 28 per cent hoped to marry a virgin, while 41 per cent wanted a bride who had five partners or fewer, and just 5 per cent wanted a bride who had slept with more than 15 men.

The survey, which ran on the magazine's website for two weeks last month, attracted mostly men in their late 20s, who had jobs and were university educated."

Hmm, would these survey sods be smug little Generation Y Gits who still live with their parents, don't pay any rent, don't help out around the house and still have their meals cooked and washing and ironing done by Mummy perchance?

Tertiary educated? What did they study at uni - abstinence and chastity? No, wait - that's what the girls should have been studying, according to these unworldly wankers. But hey, aren't these the same girls that they would have pursued, caught and slept with (albeit in a beer bong fug) at uni? The same ladies that, several years later, these boofhead blokes assume are not only also grown up, educated professionals but have somehow magically converted back to being virgins?

Marcus goes on to point out - but hey, let's face it, any FHM readers would have turned the page after the first paragraph in order to read their horoscope and see if they understand the day's Calvin and Hobbes comic by now - that findings from the Australian Longitudinal Study of Health and Relationships show that only 11% of women and 5% of men in the FHM readers' age group had slept with just the one partner.

Instead, the Australian Longitudinal Study of Health and Relationships shows that Aussie blokes had an average of 9.5 bedtime buddies (the 0.5 was a fellow FHM reader during their 'experimental' phase) and women had 4.7 (the 0.7 was an FHM reader after staying the night and holding a semi-intelligible conversation with their random root).

So whilst a lot of females might be flocking to the cinemas to see an increasingly haggard Carrie and Co get it on with shoes and shags in 'Sex and the City', their blokes are NOT going to actively pursue such gals for longer term activities such as marriage, motherhood or weekend trips to Bunnings.

It also seems to say:
a) some men might lie a teensy weensy little bit about how many women they've bumped uglies with; or
b) there's a much smaller pool of women who shag a great deal more blokes than they're prepared to admit to in surveys; or
c) a bit of both?

Why the emphasis on virginity? Do you buy a house purely from the photo in the Real Estate section? A car from seeing it flash by for five seconds on TV? And what if you survive the courtship, spend your parents' live savings for the bloated wedding reception and find that you're both duds under the doona? Whatever happened to 'try before you buy' and 'practice makes perfect'.

I look to my own experience for evidence. Even after a relatively low-key wedding in my parents back yard, no speeches, $12 worth of material for my outfit and 60 guests, we were so exhausted by the end of the night that our ~ahem~ 'sexual celebration' was a fairly perfunctory effort done only out of duty. It certainly wasn't the most memorable, erm, session, and to think it might be the first foray into fooling around for someone is so very sad, tragic and desperately wrong.

But what do I know - half of marriages end in divorce anyway.

So girls - the first question you ask a bloke who catches your eye is not 'What's your name' or 'What do you do for a crust', it's 'What magazines do you read?'. If 'FHM' is the answer, fling your alcopop into his eyes, angrily thrust the empty into his crotch and get the hell out of there.

End of rant. Off to find Love Chunks and give him a big, grateful and heartfelt hug.

17 comments:

eleanor bloom said...

Asking a guy that question re mag readings is such a good idea! I'm guessing it's best to include FHM, Zoo... and World of Coins?

But really Kath, ready-to-mixes are too expensive to splash around like that...!

Kath Lockett said...

Yeah, but it's worth paying the price of an alcopop to be able to drench a FHM/Ralph/Zoo reader *and* gut his groin at the same time, surely? :)

Anonymous said...

What if he tells you he reads the Australian Skeptic, the Fortean Times and the Comics Journal?

Homo J. Sapien said...

But was the survey random or voluntary? A 57,000 people random survey is a big undertaking for a Aussie teenage wank rag. But I've noticed their editor is good at grabbing peoples attention.

But if guys have 9.5 sp/l (shags per lifetime), but women have only 4.7 sp/l, and with the sexes being 50/50 population wise, then either someone's embellishing the truth or there is 25% closet male homosexuality going on. Probably the latter.

As for virginity, it's never been a fantasy of mine. (I think I'd better stop there).

Naomi said...

Hey Kath - you might be onto something here - the born again virgin LOL! Try before you buy, not the one for you, no problem - born again virgin voila problem solved : - )

Nothing like the utterly shallow to raise the hackles now is there???

Baino said...

Call me naive but don't men just read FHM for the articles? *giggle* Perhaps the influence of Hillsong is starting to hit home. No 'try before you buy' there.

lc said...

Many's the person that has floundered trying to logic their way through the thoughts and desires of us blokes - perhaps those that did briefly turned their attention to the same musings over women but then sensibly concluded that if they couldn't climb One Tree Hill, why attempt Everest?

Here's the thing: the fantasy lives of men are just that. Whilst they like to believe that the hot young thing blindingly dazzling their visual sensors right now, is also likely to be driven to instantaneously transform into a debauched vixen in the sack just for them; deep down they know that the frenetic, fumbling, feeble, fault-filled fu... - you know where this was going..., would ultimately be unfulfilling...especially after the 2nd...or 25th time!

That's why it will always be the mature and experienced woman for the thinking bloke - i.e. the bloke who is able to break from fantasy-land for at least a few minutes a day.

lc said...

Of course, you may also have missed another important point: the bloke that settles down with a virgin can rest easy in the knowledge that his inexperienced partner is unlikely to have high expectations, given her carnal knowledge is based on the smallest of sample sizes (speaking numerically, rather than physically, of course), and is therefore unlikely to be too disappointed by her man's frenetic, feeble, fumbling...

Kath Lockett said...

Nice one, my darling Love Chunks. Both of your comments are winners with me...

To the rest of you - he knows where his bread is buttered! :)

lc said...

Butter! I thought we preferred honey or chocolate. And what's with the bread...oh...I see...Sorry, already used up my few minutes today...

River said...

I'm a believer in try before you buy, but not widely experienced having had only three partners in my whole 55 3/4 years. Sex just doesn't seem that important to me.

Kath Lockett said...

Fair enough River - at least you had three in your 55+ years - imagine only having the one, and a dud one at that...!

And you're right, sex ain't the be-all and end-all, but to have such a double standard still adhered to by supposedly 'edumacated' FHM readers just depresses and angers me....

suzette said...

Hahaha! Well said, Kath. Just happened that my facial lady's daughter is having a debate in school on similar subject. Must show her your blog then. :)

BTW, my vote to you in your BOTB. Good luck! :D

Matthew S. Urdan said...

Back to steal my BotB credits again, eh? ;-) Good luck in our Battle!

Dave said...

And when they did the poll, was there an option to answer "I don't care how many partners she's had as long as I love her"?

It'd be interesting to see what the results would be, given a fourth option ;)

davey said...

Dave, while I credit your wisdom in the ways of love, I fear you are seriously overestimating the FHM readerbase's give-a-shit factor. It's all about sex dude!

Kath, I hope you're not making any lewd suggestions as to the quality of Calvin & Hobbes. I love that comic!

Kath Lockett said...

To Dave- bless you.
To Davey - never fear - I *love* Calvin and Hobbes!