I need a much longer pistol ... ??

When you're an avid net surfer like I am (Perez, Cute Overload, Go Fug Yourself, The Age, The Guardian, the New York Times, Chocablog), it is a given that the in-box is filled with spam.

In the heady days of brand new computer and internet ownership in 1996, my spam mostly consisted of 'hot lesbian love' or 'buy shares and earn $10,000 per week.' So they'd at least tried to take a guess at my lifestyle choices and my material needs.

The Viagra and Cialis ones came a few years later, regularly urging me to buy cheaper or even 'chepa' or 'cheep' prices, depending on the spelling skills of the spammer. I sometimes used to wonder just what kind of person would risk the safety and performance of presumably one of their most valued and sensitive organs to an ungrammatical email asking them to buy drugs from unknown overseas warehouses. It appeared that their concerns for my physical relationship with Love Chunks in our future twilight years meant that I was supposed to start stock-piling the magic pills now.

In the last year or so, the spammers have been less concerned with my gender and have instead been informing me on a daily basis that "Your Penis is BELOW average size, add 2-3 inches with this 0nrrvx2yjlyk."

It was one of those days in the summer holidays where, being the sole care-giver and entertainment director for Sapphire during work hours meant that there were no opportunities to do any real work; just a quick glance at emails and a visit to some of my favourite bloggers. The now-familiar email arrived:

CHECK HOW OUR 6000+ CUSTOMERS LONGER THEIR PISTOL
=== IncreasePenisSize 3 Inches Longer ===
Increaase SexDrive and Pleasure
Achieve Rock HardErections
= Permanently CuresImpotence =
= Increase sperm volume and quality =

Sapphire was outside on her scooter and I was feeling a bit curious, so I clicked on the link. It took me to - http://iakospro.com/ or 'Express Herbals,' where I was informed that "A man who knows that the schlong dangling in his pants is big enough to satisfy any woman walks around with an “I don’t have a care in the world” kind of aura." Golly gee whillikers, that was enough to get me clicking on the 'more information' tab!

This section listed the key ingredients of the Penis Pill (for want of a better title), and yes, I was bored and persnickety enough to do a little googling to find out what they were and why they'd be useful for making longer your pistol. These key ingredients (in tablets to be taken twice a day after a meal) were :

Vitamin E 20mg - my rapid research tells me that this is just a general name for two classes of molecules with their main being an anti-oxidant in humans. Hmm, so a longer schlong helps the fight against cancer?

IU soya protein concentrate 250 mg - not a lot of detail other than it is generally used as a milk or fishmeal replacement and is generally very high in salt. Yum!

Mucuna pruriens 75 mg - This has been used as an aphrodisiac for thousands of years and is still used to increase libido in men and women due to its dopamine inducing properties. Dopamine apparently has an influence on sexual function. Not length necessarily, just function. I.e, it's not the size of the wand but the magic you'll be able to do with it....

Asteracantha longifolia 75 mg - I'm not sure if this is a comfort or not, but all I could find was that some Indian researchers has been feeding this to rats and believed that it might help protect them from liver damage. That's nice.

Withania somnifera 50 mg - This apparently means "horse's smell" in Ancient Sanskrit because the odour of the root which resembles that of sweaty horse. The species name somnifera means "sleep-bearing" which means that it was used as a sedative, but is also been used for sexual vitality. Couldn't find any real studies to confirm the sexual vitality bit though and smelling like a sweaty horse could be a bit of a turn off in some bedrooms.

Tribulus terrestris 50 mg - Those lucky little laboratory mice - a study showed that this stuff enhanced their "mounting activity" (true quote) and "erection". How on earth do you monitor a mouse's erection? Furthermore, who would want to??

Albizzia lebbeck 50 mg - Nothing found on the net revealed just why this ingredient was considered important for bigger willies, except that they are small trees with a short lifespan and are considered weeds. The irony of this description may be examined later.

Argyrerin speciosa seed 100 mg - Lordy, googling this seed only produced more spam and porn than I could poke a stick at ~shudder~ Not sure I wanted to read the discussion threads from 'AssManHeaven' and 'MegaDik', so I'll assume that there's no scientific info readily available out there; just braggarts.

Valeriana wallichii 25 mg - An Indian herbal site told me that VW is for useful for "hysteria, insomnia, habitual constipation, neurosis, cholera and in scorpion sting and also used for perfumery. Locally the dry roots are used to remove foul odour of mouth caused by tooth trouble." Wow, if you need to deal with all of those things, surely the size of your schlong pales in comparison.......

Clearly these special ingredients have changed the lives of their users and partners. According to AngelStar: "Men are going to stand up and clap their hands at these penis enlargement capsules. It has produced remarkable results that have never been seen before with NO negative side effects. These penis enlargement capsules offer women what they really want, more to play with! Those extra inches really do make the difference!"

Yep, dear petal AngelStar says it for all of us. If only she'd provided a photograph of her sweet little self surrounded by clapping men. Or men with the clap; same difference.

Chris from the UK was even more ecstatic: "Just wanted to drop you a quick line to say thanx!Firstly, it was only two days later when I received your package back here in the UK, I was impressed to start off with! After taking the tablets for just two weeks I am already seeing MEASURABLE changes, I'm recording a weekly table, when I have more data I'll let you have a copy! Your product is amazing!"

Bless him, he's set up a weekly table (on excel?) to record his growth, hopefully using a nice scrapbook format, readily available from all decent craft shops. What a healthy way to spend his free time (presumably in between torturing squirrels and making his own toothpaste from scratch).

But Mark from the USA is even more thrilled: "I recommended your product to all of my work mates. This is the first time I have bought something online and I'm very, very happy with it. THANKS and keep up the good work."

He recommended it to all of his workmates. I don't know about blokes in the US of A, but I'm guessing that if someone did that to the blokes that they work with here Down Under (double entendre entirely intended), they'd be strapped to a traffic pole, sloppily shaved and spray painted before being homophobically beaten to a pulp for daring to comment (much less observe) the length of the other lads' lances.

Finally, the site has this touching picture. Something for us all to treasure and get misty-eyed over: she glancing down his pants with a look of awe and anticipation.


And to think: this is only ONE willy-width email out of about 300 I've been sent this year alone.....