Sunday, January 13, 2008

I need a much longer pistol ... ??

When you're an avid net surfer like I am (Perez, Cute Overload, Go Fug Yourself, The Age, The Guardian, the New York Times, Chocablog), it is a given that the in-box is filled with spam.

In the heady days of brand new computer and internet ownership in 1996, my spam mostly consisted of 'hot lesbian love' or 'buy shares and earn $10,000 per week.' So they'd at least tried to take a guess at my lifestyle choices and my material needs.

The Viagra and Cialis ones came a few years later, regularly urging me to buy cheaper or even 'chepa' or 'cheep' prices, depending on the spelling skills of the spammer. I sometimes used to wonder just what kind of person would risk the safety and performance of presumably one of their most valued and sensitive organs to an ungrammatical email asking them to buy drugs from unknown overseas warehouses. It appeared that their concerns for my physical relationship with Love Chunks in our future twilight years meant that I was supposed to start stock-piling the magic pills now.

In the last year or so, the spammers have been less concerned with my gender and have instead been informing me on a daily basis that "Your Penis is BELOW average size, add 2-3 inches with this 0nrrvx2yjlyk."

It was one of those days in the summer holidays where, being the sole care-giver and entertainment director for Sapphire during work hours meant that there were no opportunities to do any real work; just a quick glance at emails and a visit to some of my favourite bloggers. The now-familiar email arrived:

=== IncreasePenisSize 3 Inches Longer ===
Increaase SexDrive and Pleasure
Achieve Rock HardErections
= Permanently CuresImpotence =
= Increase sperm volume and quality =

Sapphire was outside on her scooter and I was feeling a bit curious, so I clicked on the link. It took me to - or 'Express Herbals,' where I was informed that "A man who knows that the schlong dangling in his pants is big enough to satisfy any woman walks around with an “I don’t have a care in the world” kind of aura." Golly gee whillikers, that was enough to get me clicking on the 'more information' tab!

This section listed the key ingredients of the Penis Pill (for want of a better title), and yes, I was bored and persnickety enough to do a little googling to find out what they were and why they'd be useful for making longer your pistol. These key ingredients (in tablets to be taken twice a day after a meal) were :

Vitamin E 20mg - my rapid research tells me that this is just a general name for two classes of molecules with their main being an anti-oxidant in humans. Hmm, so a longer schlong helps the fight against cancer?

IU soya protein concentrate 250 mg - not a lot of detail other than it is generally used as a milk or fishmeal replacement and is generally very high in salt. Yum!

Mucuna pruriens 75 mg - This has been used as an aphrodisiac for thousands of years and is still used to increase libido in men and women due to its dopamine inducing properties. Dopamine apparently has an influence on sexual function. Not length necessarily, just function. I.e, it's not the size of the wand but the magic you'll be able to do with it....

Asteracantha longifolia 75 mg - I'm not sure if this is a comfort or not, but all I could find was that some Indian researchers has been feeding this to rats and believed that it might help protect them from liver damage. That's nice.

Withania somnifera 50 mg - This apparently means "horse's smell" in Ancient Sanskrit because the odour of the root which resembles that of sweaty horse. The species name somnifera means "sleep-bearing" which means that it was used as a sedative, but is also been used for sexual vitality. Couldn't find any real studies to confirm the sexual vitality bit though and smelling like a sweaty horse could be a bit of a turn off in some bedrooms.

Tribulus terrestris 50 mg - Those lucky little laboratory mice - a study showed that this stuff enhanced their "mounting activity" (true quote) and "erection". How on earth do you monitor a mouse's erection? Furthermore, who would want to??

Albizzia lebbeck 50 mg - Nothing found on the net revealed just why this ingredient was considered important for bigger willies, except that they are small trees with a short lifespan and are considered weeds. The irony of this description may be examined later.

Argyrerin speciosa seed 100 mg - Lordy, googling this seed only produced more spam and porn than I could poke a stick at ~shudder~ Not sure I wanted to read the discussion threads from 'AssManHeaven' and 'MegaDik', so I'll assume that there's no scientific info readily available out there; just braggarts.

Valeriana wallichii 25 mg - An Indian herbal site told me that VW is for useful for "hysteria, insomnia, habitual constipation, neurosis, cholera and in scorpion sting and also used for perfumery. Locally the dry roots are used to remove foul odour of mouth caused by tooth trouble." Wow, if you need to deal with all of those things, surely the size of your schlong pales in comparison.......

Clearly these special ingredients have changed the lives of their users and partners. According to AngelStar: "Men are going to stand up and clap their hands at these penis enlargement capsules. It has produced remarkable results that have never been seen before with NO negative side effects. These penis enlargement capsules offer women what they really want, more to play with! Those extra inches really do make the difference!"

Yep, dear petal AngelStar says it for all of us. If only she'd provided a photograph of her sweet little self surrounded by clapping men. Or men with the clap; same difference.

Chris from the UK was even more ecstatic: "Just wanted to drop you a quick line to say thanx!Firstly, it was only two days later when I received your package back here in the UK, I was impressed to start off with! After taking the tablets for just two weeks I am already seeing MEASURABLE changes, I'm recording a weekly table, when I have more data I'll let you have a copy! Your product is amazing!"

Bless him, he's set up a weekly table (on excel?) to record his growth, hopefully using a nice scrapbook format, readily available from all decent craft shops. What a healthy way to spend his free time (presumably in between torturing squirrels and making his own toothpaste from scratch).

But Mark from the USA is even more thrilled: "I recommended your product to all of my work mates. This is the first time I have bought something online and I'm very, very happy with it. THANKS and keep up the good work."

He recommended it to all of his workmates. I don't know about blokes in the US of A, but I'm guessing that if someone did that to the blokes that they work with here Down Under (double entendre entirely intended), they'd be strapped to a traffic pole, sloppily shaved and spray painted before being homophobically beaten to a pulp for daring to comment (much less observe) the length of the other lads' lances.

Finally, the site has this touching picture. Something for us all to treasure and get misty-eyed over: she glancing down his pants with a look of awe and anticipation.

And to think: this is only ONE willy-width email out of about 300 I've been sent this year alone.....


davey said...

I too have been sadly let down by unsolicited marketing emails promising the world but delivering nothing.

I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I may never have a true HUMUNGUS DONKEY PHALLLUS IN ONLY 12 DAYZ and may have to just SUFFER IN SILENCE with my none too impressive WIMPY MEMBRR.

You know, before getting these helpful emails I never even knew I had a problem. Thanks, faceless internet company.

Deep Kick Girl said...

The only reason I would ever look down Big Jay's pants with that look on my face would be if there was a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts down there or possibly one of those bamboo steamers with some fresh prawn dumplings.

Milly Moo said...

Never mind Davey, at least they know that you're a FELLA!

And Deep Kick Girl - you're on my wavelength - somehow Love Chunks would need to make sure that the box of dark Lindt balls didn't melt from the heat of his trousers...

ashleigh said...

Hmm, gee tah, I think I'm suffering from too much information here :)

Rosanna said...

This post made me laugh out loud. Out loud. In front of my computer screen. That picture is all brilliance.

Also, sorry I missed your 8 things meme and then rudely tagged you again. You're just too popular.

eleanor bloom said...

Looks more to me like she's lifting his wallet.

Anyway, the reduction of bad breath herb would surely be a plus. A. Longifolia is only in there for the name. And maybe they assume men will link smelling like a horse with being hung like one...


TOM said...

I'm getting spam in Chinese now!!

Eeeoooowww! said...

You stated Tribulus terrestris 50 mg - Those lucky little laboratory mice - a study showed that this stuff enhanced their "mounting activity" (true quote) and "erection". How on earth do you monitor a mouse's erection? Furthermore, who would want to??

In 1996, I worked as an intern for an in school laboratory research scientist. I do not know the full details of the project as I was just a lowly intern looking for a couple credits and a break on my tuition that month. However, we regularly (3 times a day) had to measure the volume of white mice erections. We used a device that essentially looked at volume displacement (I guess someone decided that measuring length was a little unreliable as the person performing the measurement, might accidentally give the little guy a push or a tug and skew the resulting measurement.)

the devices that we used looked kind of like a water filled miniature Swedish penis pump (think Austin Powers).

You basically placed this tube like thing around the mouses testicles. The device then pushed in a little saline solution. From the amount of saline that was utilized and the volume of the device, it could then be determined how much the little mouse studs were displacing the space in the swedish penis pump measuring device.

That's how we did it back then. I heard from a friend of mine that stuck with the project for 3 semesters and later became a scientist herself that the research results we gathered were later debunked. Apparently some other researcher was able to prove that swedish penis pump measuring device was inflicting a little too much pleasure for the little mouse studs and that impacted the results.

In other words we had run into an almost classic Schroedinger's Cat Situation!

My friend stated that a completely new approach was now being used. Apparently researchers were moving away from a purely quantitative measurement of rodent penises (or is it peni ?)

Today, I guess they no longer actually measure the mouse penis at all. Instead, they utilize an electroencephelegraph (eeg) placed on the head of a female (or gay mouse) as they are being mounted by the subject mouse to be measured.

Apparently, they have identified the section of the mouse brain that registers mouse penis length during mouse sex.


American Genius said...

I like chocolate too,
where you said, that about chocolate on your title,

River said...

Sorry to hijack your comments here. May I leave a message for "The Man At The Pub"?
MATP: i've enjoyed reading your blogs, but today my window opened with this message; "this blog is open to invited readers only"
So thanks for months of interesting reading and goodbye.

The Man at the Pub said...

Firstly, where can I get some of these kwality farmaceauticals? My hotmail spam filter is so effective it is obviously becoming detrimental to my sex life. With a handful of blue herbal pill-shaped chalk and a can of Lynx deodorant, I'll be fending the ladies of me with a stick. I saw it on an ad once.

Secondly, rumors of my sudden demise in a freak accident involving a unicycle, a Datsun 180B and a very large zucchini are grossly innaccurate. A had a link to a Youtube page on Facebook which has a link to my blog and I was about to go viral. I just thought I'd pull up the drawbridge until this thing blows over.

Thirdly, thanks Milly for letting your comments page become a vehicle for my own disfunctional agenda.

And thanks for your kind words River. When I do a run of Man at the Pub T-shirts, you'll be the first person to buy one.

Anonymous said...

Approximately 44% of women suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction. Sexual dysfunction in women is characterized by a lack of desire, arousal, or orgasm. Lack of desire is considered to be the most common complaint among these women. About 20% of these women describe having difficulties with lubrication, which can be assisted by Viagra -like drugs that may increase blood flow to the genitals.