Hating with Honesty

I was watching a funny-as-a-piece-of-cold-toast comedy called 'Meet the Robinsons' the other night, willing it to get better because it has the Office's lovable Tim character in it. What really turned me off was the Tim character's hugely stereotyped brother and sister - fussy high achievers who belong only in 3rd grade comedies and not in the real world.

The sister dropped her boyfriend because he didn't find 'Fawlty Towers' funny. YAY!!! Neither do I - I hate it! I find Basil about as amusing as an amoeba and consider his beating up of Manuel, stupid theatrics and escalating situations to crisis point to be unpleasantly stressful viewing. The fact that they only made about 6 episodes that keep screening over and over in an effort to indoctrinate non-believers in the 'supremacy' of British comedy makes me hate it more.

Now that that admission is off my chest, here are a few more:


Jennifer Jason Leigh, Nic Cage, Chevy Chase -
I've lumped these three 'actors' in together because I have never, ever seen a movie with any of them in it that they have
a) done a good job in;
b) I've enjoyed watching, or
c) has become a modern or cult classic.

JJL looks permanently unhinged, Nic Cage has about as much charisma as a cowpat and Chevy Chase has a stupid, "I think I'm really funny and sexy" look on his face that I just want to slap right off. I'm not sure what Miss UnHinged is up to these days and Chevy Chase was last seen doing an advertisement for car insurance here in Australia***, and Nic Cage just seems to be playing dress ups and marrying foetuses....

Casablanca and Citizen Kane
No-one is prepared to admit that nearly every single bloody 'Greatest Movies Of all Time' lists have these two godawful time-wasters in them because people are too scared to admit how crapulously awful they are, and slot them in because they think they have to. It's like we're all scared to admit that we might prefer watching 'Clueless' or 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' over and over, so we all put down the obvious ones so that no-one takes us aside, strips us naked and parades us on the internet as 'Cinematically Challenged.'

Casawanka hasn't improved with age but merely shows that Ingrid Bergmann displayed about as much acting talent as a bench seat, and Humphrey Bogart is about as believably attractive as my Dad's old golf bag.

As for Orson - I *ate* the Zerox machine - Welles, his epic suck-fest is just one huge love letter to himself. Boring from start to finish. Now let's all be honest in our movie votes from now on, so that we'll see the movies on it that we watch the most - or at least every time they're on TV and we're at home - Star Wars, Gladiator, Life of Brian, When Harry Met Sally.....Birdy Num Num!


Catcher in the Rye
Again, this pointless piece of printed pap gets trotted out on all 'literary classics' lists, yet is about an unlikeable, unrealistic and stupid waste of space and his 'travels'. About as inspiring as David Hasselhoff's temperance treaties and yet no-one wants to admit that they don't know what the hell it's all about. Why not admit that we all read Hailey's 'Roots' from cover to cover, as we did Henry Charriere's 'Papillon', Leon Uris's 'The Exodus', and hell - anything by Nick Hornby, Bill Bryson and Douglas Adams?


Whole Prawns
Why do so many normally-sensible people go nuts when they approach a buffet table groaning with plate loads of whole cooked prawns? How can rather bland tasting sea meat be worth such adulation and why-oh-why would anyone wish to end up smelling like a dead shark's arse when they're splattered with juices, prawn poo-pipes and beady black eyes from dismembering the poor little shrimps?

Peeled, yes, I can go a few of those, but unpeeled, no. They are simply not worth the effort.
Give me an egg and bacon sandwich any day, and don't forget the lindt balls, cheese platter, champagne and top quality coffee....

David 'Kochie' Koch from the Sunrise Show


His swarmy, self-satisfied smug mug annoys the living crap out of me and I fly into a ranting rage every time I see him on television. So much so that Love Chunks pats me patronisingly on the knee and says, "We know, dear, we know" and backs out of the room slowly with the remote control shoved up his jumper.

David Koch likes to portray himself as the 'normal, everyday Aussie bloke' yet has written best-selling books on how to invest money, make a buck or million and wouldn't know what a real Aussie battler was if it came shoved a broken VB bottle up his $300 Country Road bum.

The two trapped Tassie miners were 'lucky' enough to have him barge into their ambulance after being stuck underground for two weeks - wouldn't that be great? A faceful of Kack-tastic Kochie before you've had a chance to eat, drink, shower or receive any medical treatment? Perhaps we should get the 'Chaser' guys to do that to Kochie when he's having his first aneurysm....

Angela Bishop
Angela used to be a regular visitor on Working Dog's 'The Panel' on channel ten, endlessly name dropping the celebrities she was paid to interview 'exclusively'. Clearly she believed in her own importance and value and remained oblivious to my shouts of 'Shut UP you mental pgymy!' every time she appeared.

It seemed pretty obvious that 'The Panel' merely endured her presence, knowing full well those 'exclusives' were her allotted two minutes of the star's time during an 18 hour Australian junket and, being a channel ten show, they were contracturally obliged to feature her. No doubt too it was the same for their interminable Big Brother segment which eventually caused me to avoid their show altogether.

Now Angela has about as much insight and talent as, well, pretty much everyone else on the planet, really. Perhaps Mum (Bronwyn, she of the Cement BeeHive and anti-pensioner fame) might have helped things along a bit, but we can all feel certain that no casting couch acrobatics were involved.

Peter Helliar
If this guy wasn't already partnered and a father, I'd set him up with Angela so they could while away their days preening each other whilst gazing over each other's shoulders at their own reflections in the mirror.

This guy seems to be one of Rove's entourage but has neither the skill, charm or comic timing of Rove or any other stand up comedian with a microbe of talent. He seems to think that broad caricatures and YELLING out his punch line makes him an 'everyman' and therefore funny, and looks as though he's about to burst out laughing at his own hilarity. Some words of advice to you, Petey boy: you are about as funny as a dead kitten and possess the wit of a deaf mute. Quit the comedy and go and find yourself a nice job selling photocopiers.

Mick Molloy

Another Australian 'funny man' that I've never ever found even remotely amusing. For some reason 'Working Dog' (The Late Show, The Panel) are friendly with him and he seems to get praise - and work - from basking in their reflected glory.

His much-celebrated job as radio cost with Tony Martin was 100% due to Tony Martin. Tony is quick, clever and inventive whereas Mick seems to think that being an overweight slob with a broad accent qualifies as champagne comedy.

Perhaps he, Peter Hellier and even Dave Hughes should club together to open up an Aussie Home Loans franchise where they could serve the bogans they purport to represent in their performances. At least that way they'll be off the air and out of my hair.

*** If 'stars' come down to Australia to do paid advertisements, they are sooooo very close to having the clause 'Will Work for Food' permanently tattooed on their foreheads and in their contracts. See also Tom Selleck, Tara Reid, Pamela Anderson, Matt LeBlanc.