Wednesday, May 09, 2007

They're leaving me
Hi there regular readers. It's Dogadoo here, filling in for MillyMoo who is on a detox bender and can no longer sit still enough on the computer chair before her farts raise her butt off the seat like a hovercraft and it starts spinning her around and around like the poor kid in the Exorcist.

At the moment I'm the only person at home who can bear to be in the same room as her. At the first sign of one of her aromatic farts, Sapphire and Love Chunks run to the other end of the house. As for me, I don't think she's ever smelt better. It sure beats that dreadful Chloe perfume and Rexona roll on she coats herself in every morning, let alone that sinister peppermint foam she fills up her mouth with twice a day. My toiletry needs are far simpler - give me a dead seagull to roll in and a ant-infested piece of roadkill to snuffle and I'm a happy little beast.

The first photo shows me in my favourite spot, the beanbag. Actually it's my second favourite: my all time favourite is lying anywhere on my back with a willing human scratching my tummy. Once MillyMoo entered a chatroom posing as me. She said that I was 21 (which is three in human years), had brown eyes, auburn hair, was an outdoor girl who was very affectionate, sporty and loved to make friends. She had to close down her account soon after because as soon as she wrote, "My favourite position is lying on my back in every room of the house". I'm not sure of the reason why, but overheard Love Chunks saying something to her like 'Thanks to you the server's in meltdown mode and who is that weirdo standing outside in the street wearing nothing but a dirty parka and a video camera.'

It's been too easy to digress: today is all about ME. Me and my daily suffering. You see once I overheard MillyMoo on the phone to a friend saying, "Oh dogs are soooo much easier than kids. At least you can leave them outside in the garden all day with a bowl of water and some crunchies."

This was very disappointing to hear, to say the least. Can't she see that by 8.00am I'm already fearing the inevitable departure of my Alpha family by 8.30am, leaving me all alone in the garden with only my old bones and flat tennis balls for company?

No matter how hard I try to work my adorable 'Please don't leave me' face (check me out below - I have built-in black eye liner that MillyMoo would die for), MM's heart is harder than a male Cocker Spaniel after a second in the breeding kennel.
She just pats me on the head and burbles, "See ya later Furry Face," and laughs at her cruel nickname as she shuts the gate in my face. Yes, she laughs. Laughs at my heartbreak, my misery and my sadness.

I'd like to give her something to really laugh about but then I remember that she's also the one who feeds me and takes me for runs around the school oval. Once she even dressed me in a leotard but I'm working on forgiving her for that one.....

By 8:30am, Love Chunks has long since left for work, and MillyMoo and Sapphire are leaving for school together. I make a mad dash to the other side gate and put in a gargantuan effort to silently plead with them to take pity on my impending loneliness and stay with me. Or to take me with them.

MillyMoo has taken me to Sapphire's school a few times for 'Show and Tell.' This is always great fun for me because all the kids are sitting down on the carpet in a circle and so their faces are really easy for me to lick. One time Ben had brought in his two pet rabbits and I nearly chewed through their cane travel basket so that Ms Evelyn had to stand up on a chair with the bunnies on her head. The worst time was when MillyMoo spray painted my back green so that I'd match Sapphire's hair when she left for Sportsday. I hated it when they were laughing at me - it was like Christmas time when I had to wear a poxy little Santa hat or last year when I had a red bone with flashing lights put on my collar.

I've also been to work with MillyMoo a couple of times, but she seems to get really mad when I do a whizzer on the floor inside but don't do one outside when she takes me for a walk around the grounds. What does she expect - drizzling on demand? I got lots of attention and pats on those visits though and one nice lady - Jo I think her name was - also smelled a bit of dog and she played with me for so long her black velvet coat looked orange when she left. Ah, fun times.

Here's the final photo of me trying to shove my whole head through the gate. I tend to throw in a couple of whines to make the entire scene more pitiful but they leave me anyway.

Then I am all alone, the house all to myself, no-one to play with, nothing to do, no-one caring one iota about me. I'm about to let out a howl when ----

What's that - Ooooh, it's a magpie - gotta chase it!

Whoah, there's a few more rotten plums over here - do I eat them or roll in them - decisions decisions---

Hey hey HEY - get out of here you stupid lizard. Don't you dare hiss at me-----oh. That hurt. Let me just say that I'm letting you live and be free out of the goodness of my Good-O heart, scaly brain----

Whoo Hoo - yes MJ, I can hear you through the fence too! Did you owner leave you too? Why don't we----

Oi! Oi you, postman! Get your filthy fingers out of my letterbox you minibike riding mongrel---

Bonus - some old lamb bone from last winter...I'll just drag it over to the door mat and-----

----Well whaddaya know - at least three cats have crapped in this flower bed since last night...


Yay they're home already! WHOO HOO! I love youse all !!!!!!!


redcap said...

Ha! Who wouldn't be satisfied with a dead seagull to roll in? I know it's my dearest dream.

My cat pulls those sad faces when I'm leaving in the morning, too. He's also the master of sucking in his cheeks when we're eating and he's already had dinner. Bloody animals. Anyone would think we never fed them or patted them or let them snuggle up on our feet.

Hope the detox farts go away soon ;)

Kitty said...

I'm not a dog person, but Dog-a-doo is so cute! How could anyone resist those gorgeous eyes!