Repeat Offenders

1986 just phoned, Matthew McConaughey.

They want their board shorts back for 'Weekend at Bernies - the grandchild', Bongo boy....

It's amazing what Naomi can do with some macrame string, the lips of a Barrier reef clam and recycled green garbags - at least it keeps her hands busy enough to cease throwing phones at the help and macrame might be what her psych recommends as anger management therapy.

How Victoria Beckam manages to stop her head from snapping off and rolling into a donut shop is beyond my comprehension. How David finds the surgical nose, inflated lips, pointy alien head, famine figure and silicone grapefruit fun bags is even more beyond me. She would most definitely have cob webs up her arse (what remains of it)

EAT something Vic - and not just your lipgloss!!

Kate Moss obviously likes her blokes dazed and confused - does Pete Doherty even know who she is, let alone what he's doing there with her or why he's become a human handbag on permanent pharmaceutical vacation?

I know that Kate's not overly endowed in the brain cell or body fat department but what on earth does she see in him? It's sure as hell not money, looks or a passable urine sample...?

In Bizarro Parallel Universe World, Lindsay Lohan - nipples, nightclubs and retarded trannie makeup - is actually revered and admired as the Rehab Poster Girl for folks such as vita-Brit and Pete Druggerty, as mentioned above.

Nice to see too that she favours the natural look in make up as well, making her look 45 instead of 20...

I don't get the hype over Beyonce, I really don't. I can't stand her whiney singing voice or the type of non-music shite she so regularly whimpers along with. She makes Madonna look like Dame Kiri TeKanewa.

Sure she's pretty enough, but she doesn't look any better than any one of about a zillion other RnB writhers wearing sedate sequins.

This outfit, however does set her apart. We can only hope that she's praying for forgiveness for being stupid enough to wear it in the first place.

Strewth !!!

This photo of 'our' Kylie has been copied from Perezhilton.com but he does ask a valid question - has she, um, had some facial landscaping done?

In her post-Olivier life has she succumbed to more than a bust of botox, had her face stretched further than Beyonce's briefs and got a slug squatting inside both lips?

How come so many late-thirties-early forties celebs are all looking like pointy-faced aliens these days???



We end this week with David Hasselhoff, apparently scoring a role of some kind in some off-off-off like a bucket of prawns in the hot sun - off Broadway - off Brooklyn stage production of 'The Producers.'

It's lovely to see that he can play along with mocking himself but he has really become the new Anna Nicole Smith, albeit with testicles. He now fits in the infamous 'Will Work For Food and a Photo Opp' category.