Have a heart and please adopt one of these idiots for your village


Celebrity Idiot adoptee number 1: Courtney Love.
We've chosen a flattering portrait of her here - her mammaries are safely secured in leather lockers ready for her flight to your place.

Indeed our surgeon has even tightened the screw hidden in the back of her head so, currently, she has no facial folds to accidentally lose her pills in. We're not quite sure where she's hidden her smokes, vodka or daughter however, so she's a case of "Wait - there's more!" bonuses - a child, several nannies, a sympathetic lawyer, ceiling plasterer/make-up artist and forklift driver to pick her out of the gutter and take her home. To your place perhaps?





Celebrity Idiot adoptee number 2: Matthew McConaughey.
Freshly rotisseried from a hot, sunny month in Australia, he actually comes complete with clothing (which may disappoint some potential adoptees).

Despite his unfortunate attire, old Bongo Bollocks does have some musical skill, as evidenced by the didgeridoo hanging over his shoulder. So if you're prepared to be serenaded at all hours of the night by an oiled, naked, and - frankly - insane man puffing through a hollow log making a sound like a distressed sea-lion, then this guy is just right for hanging outside the Coles Supermarket bench seats of your village!



Celebrity Idiot adoptee number 3: Janet/LaToya/Michael Jackson, we're not exactly certain who this one is, but it needs a good home and fast.

With a body shape that expands and contracts as easily as a shaken condom filled with detergent this interesting creature would make a fine museum attendant, chi-chi boutique worker or be just as happy rocking back and forth outside Centrelink, slapping a benefits book rhythmically against its forehead and squeaking to itself.

Just don't ask it to speak or give advice about sex or parenting as it has often scared away potential adopters in the past.



Celebrity Idiot adoptee number 4: Britney Spears.

She's had a troubled past couple of years and, as you can see, it's been a real trial getting her to submit to a weekly urine test. Sure, we've made it easier by relaxing the rules about having to wear and take off underwear before filling up the bottles, but it's either Do The Test, or Stay Home And Look After Your Children. Both choices are about as popular with her as a job interview with Naomi Campbell.

Despite these setbacks, she's got loads of cash, heaps of home help and enough bags of Doritos to feed Somalia. If you can spare the time convincing her that a comeback CD is not required, she might reward you by remaining house-broken, cheerful and ready to learn how to do stuff like, um, hold a kid, or,like, feed it something other than KFC or, like marshmallows.



Celebrity Idiot adoptee number 5: Pete Dougherty, also known as New Dad of the Year.

He's a slippery little sozzled-out sausage this one. As such it's difficult to know when his adoption portrait was taken: on his way to rehab; leaving rehab; off to see Kate/his drug dealer/a BabyShambles gig/the shops; overdue for a court appearance; or off to the bank to pay a fine or seven?

And no, we don't know if they are stitches on his right cheek or pen marks scrawled on by his wife-to-be's other kid reminding him to collect some groceries on his way home. His eyes do occasionally open, but please be patient with him - it may take several years for him to recognise you and his new home.

NB - there may be an opportunity to arrange a double-adoption with him and Britney Spears - their parenting skills and clear thinking make them an ideal pair to live next door to you in your village.


Celebrity Idiot adoptee number 6: Gwen Stefani.

We're predicting that this one will be popular, so put in your adoption papers NOW. Not only is she very wealthy and a reasonable mother, but she has a very special ability to turn herself into a walking cartoon. This comes in very handy when you are feeling a bit down in the mouth or the power goes out at school and the kids need some entertainment.

She can also sing a bit - but please be sure not to request Hollaback Girl or you will end up with bleeding earholes and begging her to stop and instead use her voice to give you fashion advice. Neither outcome is a good one, so beware.



Celebrity Idiot adoptee number 7: Paris Hilton.

This Self-Basting, Human Hairpin is a particularly tragic case and we've broken our backs trying to get a determined adoptee village to re-position her legs back to a parallel position (instead of Y-shaped) and into the fields where she belongs - replacing the worn-out oxen ploughing the potato furrows.

Due to having the concentration span - and reliability - of a tsetse fly, she needs to be able to trust you and rely on you. Otherwise, who will remind her to breathe, eat or - god forbid - remember the name of the village himbo she's currently making a porno video with?

Be brave and do your glowing good conscience and the world a favour - take her back to your old home town and leave her there.