Celebrity Sartorial Stuff-ups
Renee - we're just gingerly throwing out a wee hint here because we've always loved your work; your reluctance to court the paparazzo and we genuinely wish you well in your search for a committed partner. However even Beatrix Potter owned a hairbrush, OK, sweetie?
Let's not even pretend that I know which Olsen this is but instead we'll just focus on the overall look. Is she going for New Yawk Geisha? An anorexic cross between Marilyn Monroe and Marcia Brady? The natural, no-make-up look generally favoured by Christina Aguilera?
And why did she feel the need to kill the raccoon character from Over the Hedge to warm up her bony little back and then use Manny the mammoth from Ice Age 2's left scrotum as a handbag?
It has been a while since Liz Hurley has popped up in any online papparazzi pictures of late and it's not hard to see why (apart from a total lack of work that is)
She's still got a rather nice face but those boobs look as though they're just about ready to be flung up and over her shoulders for us as comfy-yet-practical back rests during the long limo drive home from whatever pointless launch it is that she's attending.
It would certainly be a pleasant surprise to see her embracing the hurtling ride towards her fifties wearing something that isn't slit up to the navel, cut down to her knees and flattening the funbags, wouldn't it? Does she own anything other than slapper dresses best left to English pub tarts?
The gossip jury is still out in terms of whether Leather Hockleer and David Splayed are an 'item' or just matching albino beef jerky slices and here they look how I'd imagine Britney Smear's parents would if we lived in a parallel universe.
Little, skinny and old, they are no longer able to pull off playing youthful and single TV characters, but sure as seagull s**t they would not want to hear that Liz Hurley is about to make her bid for Oscar-winning glory by playing the daughter of a brother-sister couple who are mildly retarded and has singled out them as ideal casting for her parents.... Or would they?
If not, we could always offer to pay Donatella Versace's nostril reconstruction fees by offering her the role of Grandmother in the afore-mentioned movie.
Or, if that proves a bit too stressful, a witty cameo as Heather's crocodile-skin luggage set in the background.
Shitney Beers is a 'feature' as always, but she's lifted her game here. That's right dear reader: she's remembered to put some underpants on (however brief) before going out and even got the hired help to wind a couple of rows of red tape around her hooters before slipping into her, er, slip.
We'll finish this last edition of 'Laugh at the Celebs' for 2006 with Paris - now found in the Oxford English Dictionary as the single word descriptor for the term: Plastic Preying Mantis: possessing hairpin legs in permanent Y-shaped pose, orange basted flesh and lice-sized brain.
Maybe the Harvard college application will come through for you next year Paris, and those shoes can be returned to Stupid Shoes Land where they belong. In the dark.