Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Dumb Hair

Men in sport are increasingly becoming more metrosexual in their efforts to look fashionable as well as fit. We have David Beckham to blame for the increased focus on hairstyle which is reaching plague proportions. Thanks to the player profiles on the AFL website, here are just a select few who qualify for the ‘Dumb Hair’ awards.

Older players who should know better:
Jason Akermanis, Brisbane Lions
Jasey-babes, you look like the albino brother on acid that the other three musketeers never talk about.

Justin Peckett, St Kilda
How nice of you to make such a big effort to scrub up for your official AFL photo, Justin my love

James Hird, Essendon
James, James, James! You look like a blonde wildebeest! Or did somebody spill their spaghetti on you?

Ben Hart, Adelaide Crows
Darling you’re a natural redhead, so you already catch the umps’ eye – along with your fluoro-tube white legs. So please lose the blonde tips !

Wayne Campbell, Richmond
Shortlisted also for the good-grooming award. Perhaps he thinks a hairbrush is for cleaning the mud off his sprigs

Chad Cornes, Port Power
Goodness gracious me. Now I know where our
1970s squares of shag carpeting went.

Current Dumb Hair contenders include:

Aaron Edwards, Westcoast Eagles
Mr Lego Man called – he wants his hair back

Andrew Welsh, Essendon
A classic example of too many players’ girlfriends being apprentice hairdressers

Ben Fixter, Sydney Swans
This is tragic, just tragic. How many innocent dish mops died for this ‘do?

Brent Moloney, Melbourne
Oh look a baby Mohawk. Just a wild guess: do you think he styled it himself?

Troy Stribling, Fremantle
You'd think,with his generous footballer's salary, that he'd be able to afford a better wig, wouldn't you? Or has he just found a novel way to ensure that his dead cat lives on forever? Humina humina - he's single, too!

Courtney Johns, Essendon
This one’s in there with a real fighting chance. Now I know what Mum did with her spare macramé ropes as well…….

Craig Bolton, Sydney
This is just sad; a pathetic go at Dumb Hair, but needs a bit of work – more streaks, more length, more shag. Keep trying - we'll keep an eye out for you to peak during the 2006 season

Dylan Pftizner, St Kilda
The love child of David Cassidy and the Bay City Rollers – Bye bye baby!

Jared Poulton, Port Power
Hey Grizzly Adams, where's the bear?

Justin Sherman, Brisbane Lions
What look is he going for here – a chook on a windy day?

Kyle Archibald, Richmond
It’s a shame they won’t let you play in your moccasins and a pack of winnie blues in your flannies, maaaate

Nick Ries, Hawthorn
Oh my God – Myra Hindley is playing AFL!
Winner hands-down for the player least likely to make an attractive transvestite 2005

Marcus Allen, Brisbane Lions
We've just received an SMS for you from Brooke Shields - she's waiting for you at the Blue Lagoon

Shane Harvey, Kangaroos
No wonder you look uncertain – or are you just out of petrol for your 1984 time machine?

But wait, there's more that deserve honourable mentions:

  • Collingwood's Brayden Shaw - Streaking's Poster Boy. The blonde-tipped variety and not the nudey rudey variety, unfortunately;
  • Collingwood's Travis Cloke - his white hair just needed a red nose and big shoes to get him a second job at the mall making poodle balloons and his now-black hair reduces the clownish factor by, oh, about three percent;
  • Geelong's Cameron Moody - A list hair that movie stars - female - could only dream of;
  • Hawthorn's Chance Bateman - Peroxided dreads make him look like a Venus Williams wannabe;
  • Sydney's Nick Malceski - As if the world needed a second wet Rod Stewart;
  • Port's Peter Burgoyne - Previously wore a greasy head of hat-hair which has now thankfully been trimmed; and
  • Carlton's Brendan Fevola - Fantastic that the dreads have gone, but he still looks like an Easter Island statue, doesn't he?


deepkickgirl said...

Now look, I'm with you all the way here... some of these boys are freaks. Don't get me started on Jason Akermanis... yeah he's a good player, blah blah blah... but he's a prick, the hair is bad but it's the least of his worries for my money.

As far as the Swannie boys go, you're way off the mark. I won't hear a word against any of them, even the ugly, bad hair ones. Obviously they were just having a bad day when the photos were taken. Anyway, it won't matter how bad their hair is when they're holding up the trophy come the last weekend in September! Glad there's a safe distance between Dean and us.

Anonymous said...

I'm also with you all the way here. On the other hand - I was very disappointed when Darryl White had his mid-season haircut, because he was the only one with deadset sexy hair!