Never Never Never













Blogger Tensile Times has snaffled a topic that I'm going to snaffle in turn. I might be getting more lines on my face than Bart writes on the blackboard and wisdom surely follows but there's a heap of things I have never, ever done.

These include:

1. Never seeing The Rocky Horror Picture Show all the way through from start to end. We could only see snippets of it through the curtains at Philippa's house when it was on at the Murray Bridge drive in and were often trying to teach ourselves how to smoke her father's stolen rollies at the same time.

2. Never shoplifting anything. I once walked out of the newsagency with a packet of post-it-notes in my hand after paying for a paper and a magazine and, after realising dashed straight back inside to pay for it, face a flamin' with shame.

3. Not one bone in my body has ever been broken. In my forties I am of course very grateful for this but as a kid I was very envious of the ones who'd enter proudly on crutches and get us all to sign their casts. Pain yes, but Fame - oh yeah.

4. I have never been to America and I want to. Badly. Same goes for Japan, China, all of Scandinavia, Canada, Vietnam, Thailand, Singapore, New Zealand's South Island and Poland.

5. I have never enjoyed watching Australian drama. Okay, maybe 'The Sullivans' but that's because it was Mum's favourite show. Everything else has always looked badly lit with corny lines and actors that I remember from 1970s soaps or dodgy home cleaning commercials. I have also never seen a single minute of any of the Underbelly shows.

6. I have never won first prize. In anything.













7. I have never been called slim. Instead I'm asked to help shift pallets of bricks, throw a mattress over the fence or consider being a surrogate so as not to waste those child-bearing hips of mine. No-one has ever said, "Oh sit down and eat, you look like you'll fade away." Maybe in a dream once and then it might have been John Cusack who said it.

8. The law and me have never been on opposing sides. There's been no unwanted ride in the divvy van, no official warning, no stern talking to. A red light camera caught me once, and that was when Love Chunks was rushed back to hospital after severe and unexpected bleeding and I was just a tad worried for him and keen to see where he'd ended up. Still had to pay the bloody thing though.

9. I have never enjoyed camping, as Love Chunks and Sapphire sadly know. It's rather ironic that one of the best sources of camping gear is from a shop called KATHmandu because I'd rather eat my own arse than willingly visit there.

10. I have never written a novel (but am trying to now).

And here's a bit I've added. What I'll never do again:

a. I'll never drink cheap brandy again. In fact I'll never drink brandy of any kind again. An eighteenth birthday party in 1986 is not a dim memory even 25 years later and the nausea is rising just typing this sentence.

b. I'll never wear high heels anywhere where actual walking and standing is required. This includes speech nights, weddings, Melbourne Cup shindigs, parties or even from my front door to the car.

c. I'll never litter. Rubbish can always be shoved in my backpack or a pocket.

d. I'll never eat three entire birds' eye chillies on a drunken Margarita dare ever again. Patrons at the Adelaide casino do not need to be treated to the sight of me licking a marble column in an effort to dull the throbbing burning heat.

e. I'll never get a fish tank. The little buggers die all the time and flushing them down the toilet or feeding them to the neighbours' cats doesn't seem like a respectful way to finish off their short-lived, decision-less existences.

f. I'll never get into the political arena. No, not for the usual reasons of the ridiculously long working hours, the stress of making decisions with taxpayers money and the constant sniping by critics but due to the cartoons they're likely to draw of me in the papers. As if my nose, chin and arse weren't big enough, but to have Tandberg and co exaggerate them...... ~shudder~

g. I'll never eat pate, liver, kidneys or pumpkin. There are so many other ways to make me miserable without getting my mouth and stomach involved.

h. I'll never stop sniffing Sapphire's hair.

i. I'll never cease wondering just how the hell I managed to snag a bloke as decent as Love Chunks.

j. I'll never stop trying to see the funny side of things. If I don't, the Black Dog comes to visit and he's rather too good at highlighting pessimism, despair and worthlessness.

Finally, what I want to do:

1. I want to speak another language. I just need to decide which one. Perhaps 'American' should I ever get there.

2. I want to have a novel published.

3. I want to be able to walk from the pool changing room to the edge of the water not like a self conscious scuttling crab but with nonchalance and confidence. Even if feigned.

4. I want to develop bionic-style achilles tendons so that my running days continue.












5. I want to inhale chocolate without earning a cholesterol level of (currently) 7.4.

6. I want to earn a reasonable income doing something that makes me happy. So far, I'm part of the way there.

7. I want the media to have a total ban on anything relating to Matthew Newton, Lindsay Lohan, Mick Molloy, Underbelly anything, Shane Warne and Liz Hurley. Oh and if Andrew Bolt's blog suddenly disappeared into the ether life would be a lot better too.

8. I want to win lotto without having to spend $14.40 every week.

9. I want to see Sapphire have a happy year at school with a growing confidence in herself and her perceptions.

10. I want Sapphire and Love Chunks to feel as proud of me as I am of them.

What about you?