Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Split Second Decision

It's been an interesting week. My sister-in-law was rushed to hospital with a suspected stroke that turned out to be Bells Palsy leaving her wearing a pirate eye patch and smiling sardonically on one side regardless of how she really feels. A couple of days later my best mate Jill went for a huge stack on her bike during the Down Under event and found herself knocked unconscious only to wake up with two black eyes, stitches inside her mouth and above her eyebrow and a set of inflated lips that may make her look like Angelina Jolie but unable to eat (therefore, even more like Ms Jolie).

My own lingering tennis elbow and stubborn Achilles tendon are, in comparison, pitifully minor ailments.

And yet I could have ended up with something so painful and so humiliating that it would have made the newspapers (if only to divert attention away from the flood damage). What is even more unbelievable is that it was caused by Skipper, our 1.5 kilogram rabbit who, apart from one slightly-annoyed "Eh" when I squirted him with water when it was 43C last summer is silent and accepting.

Life for him is pretty damn comfy. In addition to his two-storey town house with in-built ramp and separate bedroom* facilities, we've also rigged up a rather roomy little grassy area for him to gad about in during the day. There's an old Balinese wrap to give him shade, a bottle of fresh water, heaps of long grass to nibble and lie on and a big box to hide in and/or chew.


















Most evenings, after a feed of carrot or cucumber, he's pretty willing to have me lean over the one metre-high fence, scoop him up and put him to bed.

Some nights though, he's clearly chewed a few too many lavender leaves and likes to dash to the far corner out of my grasp.












Nyah na na nyah na!







This means that I can either open the tiny entrance gate and wedge myself through the human equivalent of a cat flap giving the neighbours next door a rather good impression of a chubby human bike-rack or athletically hoik one leg over, gingerly manoevre it so that my girlie bits aren't punctured and then kick the other one over.

It is a tricky little dance and made about ten times more difficult on the return when I've got a squirming little vermin under my left arm pit.

And so it was three nights ago. He scuttled over to the corner, I did my dance and grabbed him, catching a few bonus poos as they shot out like machine gun fire. A normal event at 9pm for me in other words.

Not this time. A bit of sealing tape had fallen off the box and when combined with the dewy grass, made me slip a little. This was not a good time when my left leg was in the process of being wildly flung over the fence. My right leg wobbled, threatening to collapse and I had a nano-second to decide: puncture my left thigh on the fence or keep moving slightly and risk...... and risk ....... slicing myself exactly in half like a busted pair of scissors in full view of the guy on the third floor balcony who was having a smoke and a chat on his mobile.


I chose the former and it h-u-r-t like the time it took over an hour to get my tattoo but compressed into half a second of thudding agony with a sledgehammer replacing the vibrating needle pricks. Thankfully Skipper was still under my armpit and not squashed into a furry scarf. The fence briefly buckled under the weight of my right leg as it missed the height several times but snapped back just in time to whip the inside of my non-injured thigh.














The next morning I had a purple Cadbury Creme egg living in my leg which was a genuine surprise because I'd assumed that my old chunky trunks had enough padding to protect me from everything ranging from a slap to a slug gun. Apparently not.

It's the largest bruise I've ever had so when Sapphire and I went to visit our sister-in-law and my brother to check how she was recovering from Bells Palsy, I just had to join in. "Look at this - I'll take off my jeans but don't worry, you won't see anything rude."

Recent weight gain has meant that my jeans were tighter than normal, so pulling them down meant that they grabbed my knickers too, leaving me bare arsed in their living room. "Omigod, I'm so sorry," I gasped, pulling them back up. Enough polite sympathy for the bruise was received for me to recover from my impromptu plumbing display. Soon after we headed home for some afternoon tea.

Fruit for me after the jeans incident and Sapphire walked in to see me laughing and taking a picture of my plate.



















I swear I didn't deliberately arrange it that way.

"Only you could be entertained by a peach and a banana, Mum."
I ignored her, snapping away.
"Oh and we all saw everything, Mum. Thank god the neighbours weren't home."


* Newspaper lined poo room

22 comments:

Hannah said...

Only you, Kath. Only you can combine the painful and the hilarious in such a way as to make me feel incredibly sympathetic whilst at the same time giggling into my hands.

So sorry to hear about your sister-in-law and friend, though. Here's to speedy recoveries/stability for you all.

Jayne said...

LMFAO
Ouch, I can imagine the ache that goose egg is giving you.

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks Hannah. Both S-I-L and best bud are on the mend but both were very, very lucky.

Er thanks Jayne, I think....? The goose egg KILLS when I'm on the exercise bike because it's right where the leg brushes the edge of the seat over and over and over....

Elisabeth said...

What's more embarrassing, Kath, the bare arse or the fall in front of the neighbour? I could not decide.

Vanessa said...

Yyyyouch!!
See I would have been prepared to show the world my war wounds and worn a skirt.
bloody rabbit...

River said...

Oooh! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
That looks incredibly painful!
And your fruit plate needs a cherry nose.
How is your sister-in-law now? Getting better? I hope so.
Now for the important question.
You have a tattoo??????
Where? And what design is it?
I'm curious, because I'm thinking of having my name, birthdate and blood group in a bracelet type of thing around my ankle. So I can be identified if I'm in an accident.

Jilly said...

Ouch! That is an impressive bruise. I too bared my bottom - even though I was half delirious and could barely speak in hospital, I still managed to say "I'm not wearing any knickers" as they were cutting off my bike shorts - but there was nothing I could do as I was bared in front of God knows how many people (including cute Greg the RAAF doctor).... what a pity... Love ya Kath xxx J

Pandora Behr said...

Oh dear. Have you got any arnica?

Great blog.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

I'm still astounded at the prospect of seeing temperatures reaching 43 degrees, so high that you have to water your rabbit!!

I'm also astounded by that belter of a bruise.I'm a bit squeamish so excuse me while I go and lie down.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Lidian said...

Oh dear! Hope you are feeling better - that looks really painful. And I certainly hope that your rabbit is being sympathetic and helpful and even very slightly guilty (though this does seem unlikely, if he is anything like one of our cats, who bites when she is cranky and is not a bit guilty)

Deep Kick Girl said...

Ouch! That looks nasty. Hope it's better soon.

And I hope your sister in law recovers and your friend does too. The later just proves that exercise is not good for your health.

Maxine said...

ouch! wish i had that rabbit's cruisy life. and i love the fruit self-portraiture :)

Kath Lockett said...

Elisabeth I've done so many ridiculous things in my back yard in front of my neighbour that the bare arse in front of my S-I-L and grown brother wins. Not that it's really a 'win'.

(blushing profusely) You know Vanessa it honestly never occurred to me to wear a skirt...!

River the tattoo was done in 2005 after I realised that working 60+ hours a week and grinding all the enamel off my teeth wasn't making me feel too well. It's a blue rose between my belly button and hip. 'Rose' because it's Sapphire's middle name and blue because that's the colour of hers and LC's eyes..... I didn't want words or anywhere public; just something I could see as a reminder of what was most important to me.

Oh Jilly - with all of your injuries you were still worried about the gorgeous medic seeing your arse? Glad to see/read that you're able to open your eyes wide enough to read this blog! Love you too xo xo xo

Pandora - what's arnica? Does it come covered in chocolate?

PlasMan, we've had a really mild summer this year though so he's escaped my ministrations with the squirty bottle.

Thanks Lidian. Well he has given me a few licks on the neck and nose lately which I technically know means that he's enjoying the taste of salt, but emotionally I'm telling myself that he loves me.

Deep Kick Girl, I can absolutely understand why you'd reach that conclusion!

Thanks Maxine. I often think it would be brilliant to come back reincarnated as a beloved family pet. All your needs are taken care of *and* you're adored just for, well, living.......

River said...

Kath; Arnica is a cream available from chemists and health food shops. Every home should have some all the time. Applied to a new bruise immediately, it takes the pain away and reduces the size of the bruise and speeds healing. Reapply every couple of hours for day one then after that three or four times a day.

Helen said...

Reach for the arnica! As an accident prone person I keep a tube by my bed at all times. and I have to replace it often. You can also get arnica oil that really helps with stiff muscles.

I can just imagine Skipper chuckling...

JK said...

Evil rabbit. And lucky he didn't get squashed or flung in the process - is he grateful? More cuddly now?
Hope your sister in law recovers soon. My cousin had Bells Palsy and a half-paralysed face for a few weeks and recovered with no ill effects - fingers crossed.

What are the odds? My word verification is a real word! MINGLED

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks River and Helen. The bruise isn't all that painful now but I'll look for a tube next time I'm out shopping because I'm sure that it'll happen again...

JK, I'm *telling* myself that he's more cuddly and full of respect but in reality I had to do the 'ol scissor kick to grab him last night as well. Cheeky little bugger. Cute though.

Wally The Walrus said...

The joys of owning a pet. Our two monsters go roaming at night and won't come back on the warm evenings. We're getting up at 2 or 3 am to let in a hungry yowler :( Wears thin. Not as bed as trying to bust yourself looking after vermin though.

Mmmmmmmm fruit. We have fresh peaches off the tree. Except you have to take the skin off, else its like eating a mouthful of sweet juicy... fur.

(Oh dear, how appropriate... todays word verification is BLARP)

Kath Lockett said...

Wally you're spot on about furry peach skin. After taking the photo I peeled it off, otherwise I feel like I'm trying to eat a mouthful of fuzzy felt....

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Helen Balcony said...

Are your ears burning? Somewhere across town, a teenage boy is laughing at your peach and banana. I know because I just showed them to him.

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks Fishhawk and I hope I'm not one of the blogs you find 'disturbing' !

Helen, I'm *glad* someone appreciates fruit like I do :)