I'm sitting here at the computer feeling nothing but nauseus. Factor in some dizziness when I stand up and a fair old dollop of self pity and you'll find it a breeze to picture me, still unshowered and in my gruesome dressing gown, in front of the computer.
Still, there are words - important words - to define, so as I sit here Woozoing (see below), here we go:
Fauslypo - The act of sucking in one's stomach when passing by a group of particularly attractive people; ie at outdoor cafes, nightclubs, picnic grounds or fun-runs.
Noneins - Flying into a predictable rage each and every single time you see Sam Newman/David Koch/the mum who wipes her kitchen counters down with a raw chicken leg/Diego Maradona/Chevy Chase/Peter Helliar or any 'football great' who is apologising for any racial comments 'made out of context' because he's normally a 'great bloke', on your telly.
Woozoing - The precise physical state I'm in right now, as it happens. Woozoing depicts the cruel digestive decision yet to be made by a stomach that is sending signals to the owner that the meal they ate - often many hours ago - may yet be violently flung back up and rejected, or may, in the fullness of time, be reconstituted as explosive diarrhoea. This usually occurs the moment the person has decided to ignore the Woozoing because 'time waits for no man', and they've showered, dressed, locked the front door and are now on their way to train station.
Patturs - The unwanted splash of toilet water on the buttocks immediately following the plop of a particularly large poo, thus rendering any physical satisfaction from the effort of excretion both null and disgustingly void.
Joistat - Often encountered at parties, the Joistat is often shy until innocently asked what they do for a living. They will then gratefully launch into an hour-long description of why their statistical analysis skills coupled with the latest technological support packages and innovative KPI measurement strategies make their job and existence utterly fascinating. To them. The listener, by this time usually wedged into the corner and suffering their own personal hell, finds it impossible to escape because all the other guests at the party are so relieved to see the Joistat so happily occupied they remain at least 20 metres away and thus can ignore any pleading signals or eye contact.
Preguee - A particularly cloying form of pregnant female, usually encountered in the workplace. The Preguee tends to announce to the office that she's "in the family way" the night after a particularly good shag and wears clown-sized maternity pants from week one with every conversation - no matter how irrelevant - focused on her foetus. Avoid the Preguee at all costs or wear a 'Population Control' membership badge on your lapel whenever possible.
14 comments:
Why have a shower, it's the worst thing when you're crook. Hygiene is promoted by the latte set. It's nonsense, I've been sleeping in my clothes for ten days and still get a smile from the girls at Bakers Delight.
Sitting in your jamas, unwashed. Cool. I've done a deal with my boss - as I have three hours of editing to do a day I take the work home and work in my dressing gown til about ten - getting far more done than I would at the office. I mosey in around 11 am - boss happy, me happy.
Keep up the great work. Couwor (wonder what one of those are)
Get your blood pressure checked (for the dizziness).
And stop exercising.
Relax. You're too anxious.
RH, are you sure they're not smiling at you because you smell of yeast??
Couwor - a non-football fan's immediate reaction to hearing more than three seconds of crowd Vuvuzela playing in the sports section of the evening news broadcast. A physical cringe before an immediate lunge for the remote control channel changer.
'nalitia'
Good heavens!- what a pretty name for a girl!
RH, I actually had a blood test yesterday, covering pretty well everything *except* low blood pressure....
'Nalitia' - Women against the use of weapons or warfare.
Another great series of definitions of the otherwise unspeakable, Kath. Some rely on 'toilet talk', which gives my six year old self great pleasure.
One of my daughters, as a six year old posted on her door the following verse:
'Now I sit in silent bliss
listening to the trickling piss
Now and then a fart is heard
Followed by a plopping turd.'
She loved it. There's something about these unspeakables that's great fun.
I must have the wrong dictionary.
I had my own little woozoing episode last week, following consumption of a Balfours custard tart which had been in my fridge probably a day too long. After four days (four days!!)I fixed it with some little blue pills from the chemist.
Joistat = Sheldon. Ha Ha
I hope you feel better soon! I find a shower actually helps, but it takes some mind-power to get there...
In my family, 'patturs' is known as The Splash Fairy. 'Patturs' sounds to me like a deep-fried Indian snack.
Elisabeth, bum and poo jokes will always be hilarious. People just don't want to admit it :)
Lorna you never know - these might eventually make into the next edition of Webster!
See, River? Woozooing *is* a word!
Helen, I did end up having a shower in the afternoon, which made me try some lunch, which also stayed down, so by dinner time I was clean, relatively chirpy and feeling close to 100%.
'The Splash Fairy' - boy oh boy, I'd never want to visit her house!
Gold. And you're still posting while Woozoing? Now, that's a real pro who's dedicated to her art.
Rypea (my verication code below) - a blogger who will not be deterred, even when woozoing.
Either that or it's a pea with dry sense of humour.
Oh, but hang on, now I've got spolymp...
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