Monday, December 01, 2008

Come on then, I'm bent over and ready for whatever you want to deliver...!*

As for the house....well, the week ended on just as crappy a note as it began. The brilliant 'buyers' didn't come back with a new contract of sale by Thursday and we asked our agent to contact them to advise that if we hadn't heard from them by 4pm on Friday, the deal was off and our home was back on the open market.

In the meantime, we focussed our attention on the bank meeting - could we please have two sets of paperwork prepared in case we do sell our house before the Melbourne settlement date or in case we don't and therefore need another, oh, the entire treasury of a tiny African nation (no, not those pesky Nigerians) to cover another house, our existing Adelaide house mortgage, real estate agent fees, Victorian stamp duty and the obligatory paper shuffling and conveyancing fees. Sure, the interest alone is more than our actual income but I did note that Flemington has numerous tram shelters that I could perhaps perform some sexual favours in - between school hours only of course......

By 4pm our meeting at the bank was over - both scenarios were approved, and we glumly headed home assuming that the bonza 'buyers' had finally cooled off and were already looking at houses in other postcodes. Love Chunks felt OK enough to get his chest x-ray done and sent to his GP and we hope that his next appointment will kick off with a more positive question than, "So have you been working with asbestos?"

At 7pm I was out in the shed pounding merry hell out of the treadmill and Love Chunks took a call from our agent. She said that the 'buyers' were prepared to offer us another contract of sale, but this time for $15,000 less than agreed previously.

To say that we were disappointed at such a low act - and for stringing us along all week - is an understatement. We felt utterly betrayed and shocked - it seemed as though delaying signing the contract of sale until Saturday morning (instead of the day we accepted it, which was Thursday), gave them the weekend and two further days to work out a scheme that effectively made our week just that little bit harder to deal with.

Not only were these bastard 'buyers' aware that LC's mother's funeral was on Tuesday - the day they formally cooled off - but they still insisted that the SA Water, Murray's Pest Control and a Building Inspector arrive that same afternoon to examine our house and provide them with three separate reports. The agent unwittingly added to strength of their scheme by informing the blatantly bad 'buyers' that we'd bought a house in Melbourne over the weekend and were a mite keen to get the contract situation sorted out quick smartish. Instead, the oh-so empathetic 'buyers' then decided to leave us dangling for another three days (now effectively extending their offer to buy, and then cool off period from the legal two to nine) and hope that by dragging things out to 7pm on Friday we'd be so desperate to sell that we'd accept a lower price.

Then, just to make us sweat even further they faxed - rather than phone and speak directly - our agent with the info that they'd give us until close of business Monday (today) to accept their offer and then had their mobile phones turned off so that she couldn't inform them that their actions were unconscionable or try to convince them to play fair. How they must have rubbed their hands in glee - not only had they screwed us out of $35,000 last week, but they were going to add another $15,000 because of a family death, dodgy delays and a cooling off period - what fun!

The agent phoned us this morning to say how mortified she was and how she'd said to them all last week, over and over again, that we were trustworthy people who loved the house and had not left anything undone or hidden that would be of concern to them - and none of the reports came back with anything negative either. We asked her to not call the blowfly 'buyers' back - we no longer want to deal with them.

In fact, LC still had the beezlebub 'buyers' email address after having to sort out their previous queries re the SA Water backflow device (they need one legally, we have TWO) and this is what he sent to them as our response:

Dear Dr _____ and Dr _______,

We received your adjusted offer. Just wanted to let you know: we won't be accepting it.

We've lived here 8 years, we know this property and we know real estate in this area. We have renovated this house extensively and have undertaken any major and minor form of repair it has needed as well as added other features that have made it into a beautiful home we're very proud of.

We know we had offered you a very good deal - better than we should have at the time.

We are honest and decent people - the type to honour a deal and a commitment. It may well be that we sell the house at a lower value than your offer, if that is what the market dictates - but it will not be to you.

LC Lockett


Or, in my own personal draft that was rejected:

Dear Drs __ and ____,

May every foul crap that you agonisingly squeeze out of your cracked and bleeding arseholes be born with personalities of their own that allow them to clamber out of the bowl, up your snakelike spines and attempt to strangle you with their slimy, disease-ridden, shit-stinking hands. Or wedge themselves into your left nostrils; whichever is most painful and inconvenient option.

Love, Kath Lockett
So it's back to open inspections, hiding the dirty dishes and de-dog-hairing the place.
*Alternative title - To Whom It May Concern - I don't want to be an adult anymore. Please return all this paperwork, cellulite and Crows Feet and give me back my Gnid Blytons, Mad Magazines and Abba records thank you. 1976 would be great, thanks.


delamare said...

How low some people behave. Haven't they heard of karma? May the house that they eventually do buy smite them! And give them fleas.

Shit Kath. This run of bad and sad luck is just ridiculous ... and so undeserved.

I know what you mean about going back to the days of Enid and ABBA though. Happy thought indeed. (PS, I've just bought my daughter Singstar ABBA for Christmas. If you hear a terrible version of Mamma Mia wafting over to Flemington from Elsternwick next January, you know where it's coming from!)

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks Delamere - it will be a lovely soundtrack I reckon! You MUST contact me via email to let me know yours - I'd love to meet up with you (if you could stand it) :)

Must say too that I'm not naturally a swearer, usually preferring to think of other, more creative and less crude words but this week, my lord...!@

Catherine said...

I cannot believe these people! I'm so sorry to hear you are back to the drawing board, but let's hope it's because some nice, normal people somewhere out there are meant to buy your home.

franzy said...

I don't know Kath, I liked your version better.

How about

"Dear Cornflake-Packet Creationists,

We have considered your offer on our property and have decided to reject it. Our original price is still in effect, should you wish to reassess your finances.*

However, in light of the extra conveyancing you required over and above the legal standards necessary in this state and the mortgage payments we are still covering after your withdrawal, we have no choice but to invoice you for the full amount charged by SA Water, the Pest Control and the Building Inspector, plus a 15% handling fee. We are certain that you will be settling this account with us as soon as possible to avoid any late fees and charges.

On a more serious note, please be informed that we are taking legal advice concerning a civil grievance which has resulted in a death in the family and additional stress-related health problems. We will be seeking damages relating to medical expenses and emotional turmoil. We would appreciate it if you were to remain in the state for the following six months in lieu of proceedings.


Denise said...

I prefer your version as well, and will quite possibly be needing to hire you to write several letters for me.

franzy said...

*Then, when/if they do come crawling back, sell them the house for the original price and then spend the rest of your life signing your old address up for Nazi newsletters, halfway house men's group meetings, every service provided by anyone Indian with a telephone connection, or just send a small letter to all your neighbours who like you (that'd be all of them I assume) and tell them exactly the series of events which lead up to their new neighbours moving in.

gigglewick said...

Hey - I've done the "send people annoying junk mail for years at a time" thing. My sister and I bothered my uncle relentlessly with free tampon samples for about three years.

Childish, but very amusing.

I never thought of using such a power for....evil

Naomi said...

hmmm crappy times Kath - I can only hope that there is a reason to this and that out there the right buyer is lurking. The person who will walk into your house and know that "this is the one" and the people who will love your house as much as you do.

Kath Lockett said...

Franzy, I'll send YOUR response next time! And to you and Gigglewick, I do like the idea of signing them up to Nazi newsletters, christian coffee groups and gonorrhea mailing lists... IF they had the house that is.

squib said...

Why am I not surprised they have Dr before their names?

eleanor bloom said...

franzy's got some great ideas!

As I was reading that post I was thinking 'please don't sell it to them!' so I was so glad you told them to get f#@ked. Nasty sods.

I liked your message Kath, as you sent it with 'love', which was a nice touch (see, your karma will be fine)!

franzy said...

I was actually holding back.
There's plenty more fun stuff you can do to folks who fuck you around to the tune of 50Gs:
* Do some research into where else they're buying (not too hard, just contact their real estate agents and keep an eye on similar auctions if you want to really shit them up with prank calls, petty vandalism, slander, etc).
* If they're doctors, then find out where they practise and make as many false appointments as you can possibly get away with - always be sure that they're either first thing in the morning, last thing Friday night, during holidays, etc. DEMAND to know when their holidays are and book up loads of appointments around those dates. We'll help.
* Send an email to a private investigator, agreeing to some pre-arranged contract of surveillance, data-matching, records research and legal digital recording. The trick then is to "accidentally" CC their email address in that email and then immediately send a profuse apology, asking them to delete the previous email as it wasn't intended for them, you don't know how their email got pasted into the CC box along with the business you were conducting with a recently-hired PI, etc. And just leave it at that.

I've got plenty more!

delamare said...

Kath - I would love to meet up when you get here! What is your email addy???

PS, word verification is 'jigend' - it's an omen. As in this jig of tortuous house-selling must come to an end!

Miles McClagan said...

If I go back to 1976, I'm still only a concept, but I would like to go back to seemed such an uncomplicated year...swings or TV? Who can decide!

River said...

What utter arseholes! I hope they get what they deserve. You should know that if I'd won lotto last week you'd have a nice fat cheque in your hands right now. Failing that, I'm sure the right buyer is just around the corner and your home will sell by christmas. Feel free to smack me upside the head if that doesn't happen.

River said...

Oooh Franzy! Such deviousness....

ashleigh said...

You did right by telling them to naff orf. Tossers.

Doctors, eh. Why am I not surprised. One of the few professions to get a course on financial management as part of their university studies. I bet you did not know that. Not content with being paid way over and above the rest of us mere mortals, they clearly enjoy a bit of screwing you out of what would to them be small change. Stuff 'em.

I rather like Franzies reply. There is character there.

Oh - and to sign up for free stuff, the "SA Motor" magazine you get from the RAA is generally packed full of goodies you can sign up for. Free literature about "The Vinegar Cure" and so on... Each issue is usually a gold mine. I helped a guy I worked with do this to somebody - many years ago. (Evil cackle)

The Man at the Pub said...

If the devious buggers did buy the place, there would be only one thing for it... prawns in the curtain rods. Ha! That'll larn 'em!

It's been a while and I'm delighted to hear you are coming to Melbs. If you need to find some nice camping/chillout spots outside of town, I'd be happy to point you in the right direction.

Kath Lockett said...

Ooooh franzy, I love the idea of stuffing up their businesses - physio for him and dentistry for her. Bloody ironic but I've cracked my back crown (for the fourth time) and it's been barking at me all week but there was NO WAY I was prepared to ring up a dentist. Uh-uh.

Ashleigh, you're right.... plus I get 'choice' and I'm sure there'd be a few earnest classics in there too. Love Chunks' father likes to read all kinds of twisted political crap that's usually produced in the Hills under the cover of darkness so I might add a couple of names to their mailing lists. Or, I could just write to Christopher Pyne in their names, expressing my deepest admiration of his voice, his manly carriage and his caring social ideals....

Delamere and The Man at the Pub (welcome back stranger) - my email addy is under my profile, or here-

Baino said...

Fuckety fuck fuck alright. Been there. Our 'offer' fell through in March and we're still sitting here. Franzy's got it cornered. Very disappointing to say the least but good on you for sticking to your guns. I think in this market there are going to be quite a few 'bargain hunters' with less than honourable intentions. Still a pissy scenario tho.