Monday, April 07, 2008

Crackin' a Mariah Carey

I'm pushing forty, yet currently have a zit on the side of my neck that's so big I'm having difficulty holding my head up.

In fact, it's now larger than my head itself. It apparently started life as a blind pimple but has now morphed into a sideways volcano that keeps threatening to erupt, only to subside and decide to throb painfully underneath my angry red, stretched skin instead. Seeing as I'm whiter than the in-bred arse cheeks of an Orkney Island dweller, the gigantic goitre stands out like a flaming red emergency beacon, calling attention to all who stand before it.

At least if I was a teenager it would be par for the course and no doubt surrounded by a cluster of smaller zits to keep it company; kind of like an acne harem. At 39, it is like an eternity ring - one huge, solitary diamond, flashing brighter than any gem. I can only blame myself: too many hours tapping away in front of a computer screen means that a great deal of time is spent in deep thought (or waiting for Perez's next image to download), side of face in my hands, absent-mindedly scratching and picking away. What might have just been a tiny dot has, under my regular fiddle-age, become a fully-fledged growth that a bus could wear on Red Nose day.

Perhaps Mariah Carey has something in her fetish to only be photographed from one side of her face. Trying this in real life, however, is rather difficult. For starters, both my husband Love Chunks and my daughter Sapphire have a need to inform me of any unusual disfigurement upon my person, just in case I didn't know:
"Hey Kath, you've got a bugger of a blemish on your neck there. It looks bloody painful."
Thank you, dearest, I wouldn't have figured out that a parasitic pustule the size of Pluto is clearly bent on setting up an entirely new colony on my neck without your capable help.
"Ewwww Mum, what's that on your neck - it's gross."
Yes, it is, sweetie. Yes, it is a pimple; just a bit bigger than normal. What's that--? Yes, you're right, it's as big as Ben's basketball, thanks for the creative comparison.

This morning I sidled up to the school gates like a nervous crab, keeping the offending ooze ornament away from the car park and footpath area where happy children and carefree parents were approaching. Unfortunately, when coupled with the sheer weight of the thing, I found myself staggering left, head bent sideways like a shy Lady Di dodging the papps before meeting up with her Prince at the palace. Momentum can be a dangerous thing.

As I emerged, shame-faced from the wattle bush, even my aqua-coloured Crocs and hot pink 'Nookie - Just Done It' t-shirt failed to deflect the onlookers' attention from what looked like the pointy end of an arrow emerging from my neck.

"So Kath, are you going to be around to help out at Sports Day tomorrow," asked Jane, eyes transfixed by the zit.
"Er no, I've actually got this meeting about a presentation that they've asked me to---" I didn't bother finishing the sentence. It was obvious that she was standing there in shock and awe at Mt Vesuvius.
"Hey Kath, can Sapphire come over to Mandy's place for a play after school?"
I turned around to smile at Mike. "Yeah, that'd be nice. She'd really like---"
Hmm. Mike was staring deep, deep down into the mouth of the volcano.

So much for worrying about him talking to my breasts instead.


franzy said...

It's so big I can see it from HERE!

Naomi said...

great post - well unless it grew to monumental proportions over night, it can't really be that bad, didn't notice it - then again wearing otufits as fitting and glam as the oversize wheat sack as we do, maybe Mt Vesuvius went unnoticed!

Kath Lockett said...

Er thanks for that, Franzy. I can see you fall firmly into the Love Chunks and Sapphire 'useful observation' category.

Naomi - I was busy doing a Mariah last night - Mt Vesuvius was facing the left hand side of the wall, so only Ed and Helen had to suffer seeing it.

River said...

Ooooh nasty! Sure it's not a boil? I hope it's not a boil. they take forever to go away.

davey said...

Just use the age old lovebite coverup of a turtle neck sweater teamed up with a ski accident neck brace. You could say you were getting some action on the chairlift, to which your ultra classy tee-shirt could vouch.

Deep Kick Girl said...

You could always take Saphhire to school topless and hope that may distract people.

Kath Lockett said...

Hmmm, I like the way you guys think.... Maybe I could both wear the neck brace AND go topless tomorrow?

lc said...

Yep, almost seemed as if I was sparring with a two-headed beast on Monday night...

...Just thought I'd validate some of the literary license taken.

myninjacockle said...

If I'd been told it is possibly to have both wrinkles and pimples I may have never signed up for puberty.

Gledwood said...

SNAP! I've got volcanoes today. And that was b4 I saw yours...

I'm sure I've been here before have I commented? Do you remember me? I know the title of your blog but am a serial hopper and so can never quite recall where I went WHEN

Mariah Carey: nasty bitch. Famous for telling British breakfast tv she "does not do stairs" ie stand on them, be interviewed up or down them, or go anywhere near them (must have a very large Hollywood bungalow then)

Leona Lewis is far better than nasty old Mariah

Baino said...

Haha . . such imagery. I'm sure it's not that bad. Do what I did, get desexed! No more hormonal eruptions physical or emotional! Now I've got perfect skin (just have to work on the far from perfect body!)

eleanor bloom said...

Mmmm. Tim Tammmms...
Sorry, you distracted me for a bit there.

Ah, you emerging from the wattle in your crocs and that t-shirt made me laugh. Not that I believe it of course... but laugh. I. did.
And... if you really were wearing that t-shirt I absolutely salute you! You are tres awesome!

Terence McDanger said...

That Mike is a sly one if you ask me.

He ignored your boobs and stared at your zits instead.