Going on a Seafood Extender bender

It's a funny old world, isn't it? Yesterday I debuted on local radio as a 'guest' as opposed to my previous guise as a hopeful teenager back in 1982 ringing 5MU to get a free 'Eye of the Tiger' prize single, or Mix-FM to win my best mate Jill a $1000 shopping voucher.

Tim Noonan was discussing the tendency for Aussies to use 'seafood extender' - a rather hideous-sounding mixed paste of various seafoods, rinsed several times to get rid of the pong, normally painted in a bright red 'crab colour' on one side and quickly frozen.

A quick search on the 'net reveals that it originated in Japan many hundreds of years ago, but is often nowadays made in China from their local catfish. These poor creatures feed on the bottoms of ponds and rivers and it is perhaps their pale flesh that best lends itself to the fluoro-whiteness that is expected of fresh-frozen seafood extender.

Anyhow, I have obviously mentioned my love of seafood extender in a past blog article and was invited on to the Saturday morning show to discuss. Oh and plug my book, 'Work/Life Balance for Dummies'.

There I was, sitting in the spare room clutching the phone, Dogadoo discreetly letting a few furry farts rip from her beanbag at my feet whilst I was sweating like a pig. How on earth was I going to do an Anna Coren and segue my way from seafood extender to the ultimate self-help book that would potentially change peoples' lives? And why did I state that sake is the only reason that the Japanese people invented - and continued to eat - seafood extender? My face is still flushing with embarrassment as I type this.

I really should apologise to my father for shamelessly using him - and his love of the now-defunct all-you-can-eat restaurant chain Sizzler - for getting me through. Yes, it is true: he did say that he'd like to die with his mouth open under their chocolate mousse tap, but he might not have wanted me to tell the local population that. Thankfully, he wasn't too fussed when he phoned me a bit later.

He was more concerned that I'd got his seafood extender salad recipe wrong. "You forgot the apple. In addition to the seafood extender, celery and poppy seeds, you've got to add some chopped apple."
"OK Dad, sorry about that."
"And one more thing-"
(Me, blushing and cringeing, expecting the worst): "Yes Dad?"
"It's thousand island dressing, not mayonnaise."
"Right. I'll clarify that in my next blog article."

We then chatted about the arrangements for who was bringing what to the Christmas day lunch at my brother and sister-in-law's on Tuesday and again the radio show was brought up.
"MillyMoo, you know how you said you hate turkey?"
"Y-e-e-e-s?"
"Sonia's cooking a 5kg monster for us for lunch."
"Oh."

Therefore, my second apology is to Sonia. I'm sure your turkey will be much much better than the drumstick I used to be given as a child which had about as much attraction and taste as a mallee root (but with extra dark tendons). I'll be your best friend forever if you fling me some breast meat instead.

And apologies to any listeners out there. The book does contains some life-changing tips that possibly might be more useful to you than trying to spend ten extra minutes in the toilet. *sigh*