Monday, July 02, 2007

Fabulous Footy Follices (Hair)

It's been a while but it's long over due - it is time for to focus our attention on AFL players. No, not their superbly fit and chiselled bodies, but their hair. Yes, brace yourself, it is finally time for Dumb Football Hair 2007!


A common strategy amongst Aussie Rules players is to cultivate some ludicrous locks in order to catch the umpire's eye, hoping that they will remember/pissthemselveslaughing/automatically-nominate them for a brownlow medal point or two. That may be true, but for us at home watching it is often the case of, "What the hell has that guy done to his hair - is he the full can of fanta?"

In no particular order of talent, youth or stupidity, this year's contenders are:

Dale Thomas, Collingwood

This one concerns me, not because my flokati rug has suddenly gone missing but for reasons of safety. Surely Daley-babes is at risk of getting his flokati-follicles ripped or pulled out of his head during play?

Wouldn't it be hot running around the oval (don't they run an average of about 10km per game) with the equivalent of a container load of mukluk liners on your scone? He's a brave - but none-too-bright - young man...

Daniel Hayes, Melbourne
I know you're good at your footy Dan, and it's great to be able to live the dream but must your hair be styled to resemble the shape of the football itself??

Or are you a fan of that funny-as-death Dan Akroyd movie, 'The Coneheads'?

Daniel McConnell, Kangaroos

Another Dan but this one's got a flatter head and ears like an angry elephant. What's not helping his case is the oily mop flopping down in an awkward imitation of a comb-over from the back to the front.

Perhaps he's the son of the guy in the Godfrey's tv commercial? (that guy has the KING of comb-overs). Haven't you heard of layering, my son?

Josh Kennedy, Carlton

Joshua, sweetie-darling-sweetie, normally it is good form to brush your hair before having your photo taken. It will make you look less like a five year old who has just been told to stop eating his boogers and more like the slightly older (mentally) football hero that you are.

You may win some extra points if you can confirm that you are, in fact, trying to show us what Ray Martin's hair would look like if it was fully deconstructed and just survived a sailing regatta in gail force winds.

Brock O'Brien, Fremantle

Oh. My. God. The clear winner so far - if only through the sheer height of his hair. What should I have expected from a kid named after the surname of a dead bloke who could drive holden commodores really fast around a mountain heaps of times? This obvious hirsuteness doesn't bode well for his shoulders and back remaining hairless when he hits his thirties, does it?

If he has that much hair sprouting from his head he can either be a Busby guard at Buckingham Palace when he's no longer playing or the silverbacked stand-in for the movie 'Gorillas in the Mist 2: Fugly in the Valley'

Nathan Carroll, Melbourne

My personal favourite. 'Ol Nath may possibly be the love child of Hulk Hogan and Ben Stiller from 'Dodgeball'.


Blonde tips, porn star moustache, Chopper Read beardy-bits and Gallagher brother eyebrows makes him outstanding in the field. Or, at least 'standing out in the field' on his own after the game. Ten bucks says he'll star in a triple X feature called 'Melbourne's Meat Man' in retirement to pay the rent on his gold-plated monaro and ceiling mirrors.....

Brad Moran, Kangaroos

Now Brad, what is this? Even you look as though you're too ashamed at your own retardedness to smile for the camera!

The white hair, the pathetically half-arsed effort at spikes or a mohawk and the Amish beard just do not work. Are you the bastard son of Warwick Capper and the guy from the Curiosity Show? And the moustache.....why go to the trouble - just grab a fat black texta and draw it on so that it matches the thickness of your eyebrows and do us all a favour!

Cameron Moody, Geelong

It was quite a challenge finding a photo of Mr Moody that did him any justice and even here his Paddle Pop Lion (or should that be cat?) hair is kept back by a rather fetching head band (Note to Dale Thomas - an Alice Band can do wonders for your complexion and keep your vision free for play).

The blonde dye job just completes the stereotype. Warwick Capper's long lost baby brother.


Beau Waters, West Coast Eagles

Didn't you go to school with me? Are a bona-fide Murray Bridge Bogan and still proud of it? Are you still driving that Ford Escort with the 'La Cucharacha' air horn that you'd blast all the way down Swanport Road?

Can you now do the drawback on your Winnie blues or are you still bum-sucking to save your lungpower to sing out the chorus to the Angels' 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' at the pub after hard week at the meat works?


Beau's buddy-in-crime, Mitch Morton

Ah Mitch, how could I forget you. The last time I saw you was at Donger's 21st at Mypolonga: you were out cold after drinking bundy and couldn't get out of Macca's Mum's hammock quick enough to stop getting sick all over your Levi californians. Your girlfriend, Trudy, ending up getting on with Mud-Guts who left a big 'M' in love bites on her neck......

Daniel Merrett, Brisbane Lions

To be honest, I'm not sure if it's his kewpie doll hairstyle or the arched eyebrows framing his beady, slightly-deranged little eyes that unsettle me the most.

I'm crossing my fingers that he's an intelligent, hard-working model of society who does NOT film geriatrics getting it on or collect body parts to sew himself a wetsuit..

Courtney Johns, Essendon

It's tempting to write 'Last, and certainly Least' but I won't. The albino rasta look isn't one that's likely to sweep the nation: I can't see Kevin Rudd rockin' this style on his way to the polling booths.

The lack of fringe on his lo-o-o-o-o-ng horsey face doesn't help matters - it's as though Sarah Jessica Parker has been gender reassigned and slapped with a sliced squid. Probably also stinks like Laurie Oaks' trousers after a short jog to the buffet table.

9 comments:

TOM said...

All the baseball players here seem to have Goatees, bald or both.

franzy said...

May I suggest that these footballers would look even more ridiculous with regulation short back and sides?

These are the peacocks of our nation! Ask them not to trim their feathers and tie back their colours! MORE product I say! Let there be corn-rows! French buns! FLOCK OF SEAGULLS!!

River said...

Ah, football........all those grown men fighting over a little leather ball. Give them each a ball and let them kick to their heart's content...........(I'm not a sports fan, not sport of any kind) (Does that make me so un-Australian?)

Deep Kick Girl said...

So funny MM! And best of all none of my Swannies make the list. Yippee! They really can't face any more humiliation this year. So thank you for overlooking any potential Sydney hair blunders. Honestly I rare notice their hair, I'm usually focusing further south, anatomically speaking.

ashleigh said...

Oh dear, when you put it like that, they do look a bunch of gumbies.

Its the "I've got a lot of money being a star but I still have to show you I'm an individual" look.

A bit like the goths used to be when they hung around outside the Austral. I'm being an individual - look at me (just ignore the fact that I look like an idiot and so does everybody else here).

Ha ha ha!!!

redcap said...

Hmm, Daniel Hayes and Brad Moran seem to be doing battle for the Sucked Mango Seed of the Year Award. Far more prestigious than the Brownlow.

No wonder that "comedian" who's on the Footy Show (What's his name again? Fat, annoying, unfunny...) wears such a shithouse wig. He's hoping someone will actually mistake him for a player.

Milly Moo said...

ah yes, Peter (I'm chubby and yell a lot so I must be hilarious) Hellier..... He's been featured several blogs ago as one who is most definitely not one of my favourites (in company with Mick Molloy)

redcap said...

Oh, yeah - him! He comes a close second to Whiney Dave Whatisname from The Glasshouse as Crappest Australian "Comedian" of Any Given Year. Mr Hellier also copped it at my place a Brownlow ago for his football jersey tux. But then Andrew MacLeod's missus sort of outshone him that night with her sequin-stuck back ~shudder~

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