It's been a while but it's long over due - it is time for to focus our attention on AFL players. No, not their superbly fit and chiselled bodies, but their hair. Yes, brace yourself, it is finally time for Dumb Football Hair 2007!
In no particular order of talent, youth or stupidity, this year's contenders are:
Oh. My. God. The clear winner so far - if only through the sheer height of his hair. What should I have expected from a kid named after the surname of a dead bloke who could drive holden commodores really fast around a mountain heaps of times? This obvious hirsuteness doesn't bode well for his shoulders and back remaining hairless when he hits his thirties, does it?
If he has that much hair sprouting from his head he can either be a Busby guard at Buckingham Palace when he's no longer playing or the silverbacked stand-in for the movie 'Gorillas in the Mist 2: Fugly in the Valley'
Nathan Carroll, Melbourne
My personal favourite. 'Ol Nath may possibly be the love child of Hulk Hogan and Ben Stiller from 'Dodgeball'.
Blonde tips, porn star moustache, Chopper Read beardy-bits and Gallagher brother eyebrows makes him outstanding in the field. Or, at least 'standing out in the field' on his own after the game. Ten bucks says he'll star in a triple X feature called 'Melbourne's Meat Man' in retirement to pay the rent on his gold-plated monaro and ceiling mirrors.....
Brad Moran, Kangaroos
Now Brad, what is this? Even you look as though you're too ashamed at your own retardedness to smile for the camera!
The white hair, the pathetically half-arsed effort at spikes or a mohawk and the Amish beard just do not work. Are you the bastard son of Warwick Capper and the guy from the Curiosity Show? And the moustache.....why go to the trouble - just grab a fat black texta and draw it on so that it matches the thickness of your eyebrows and do us all a favour!
Cameron Moody, Geelong
It was quite a challenge finding a photo of Mr Moody that did him any justice and even here his Paddle Pop Lion (or should that be cat?) hair is kept back by a rather fetching head band (Note to Dale Thomas - an Alice Band can do wonders for your complexion and keep your vision free for play).
The blonde dye job just completes the stereotype. Warwick Capper's long lost baby brother.
Beau Waters, West Coast Eagles
Didn't you go to school with me? Are a bona-fide Murray Bridge Bogan and still proud of it? Are you still driving that Ford Escort with the 'La Cucharacha' air horn that you'd blast all the way down Swanport Road?
Can you now do the drawback on your Winnie blues or are you still bum-sucking to save your lungpower to sing out the chorus to the Angels' 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' at the pub after hard week at the meat works?
Beau's buddy-in-crime, Mitch Morton
Ah Mitch, how could I forget you. The last time I saw you was at Donger's 21st at Mypolonga: you were out cold after drinking bundy and couldn't get out of Macca's Mum's hammock quick enough to stop getting sick all over your Levi californians. Your girlfriend, Trudy, ending up getting on with Mud-Guts who left a big 'M' in love bites on her neck......
Daniel Merrett, Brisbane Lions
To be honest, I'm not sure if it's his kewpie doll hairstyle or the arched eyebrows framing his beady, slightly-deranged little eyes that unsettle me the most.
I'm crossing my fingers that he's an intelligent, hard-working model of society who does NOT film geriatrics getting it on or collect body parts to sew himself a wetsuit..Courtney Johns, Essendon
It's tempting to write 'Last, and certainly Least' but I won't. The albino rasta look isn't one that's likely to sweep the nation: I can't see Kevin Rudd rockin' this style on his way to the polling booths.
The lack of fringe on his lo-o-o-o-o-ng horsey face doesn't help matters - it's as though Sarah Jessica Parker has been gender reassigned and slapped with a sliced squid. Probably also stinks like Laurie Oaks' trousers after a short jog to the buffet table.