Please retire already

“Can I really make a difference? That’s what I like to wonder to myself when I put on my diamond bustier and have my assistants oil my buttocks before each and every show," said Madonna recently.

Wow, her new purchase - sorry, kid - is going to have a genuinely balanced life with a down to earth mother who only has his interests and well being at heart......

I am still reeling over the travesty of 'Hung Up', released by Mads last year, utilising the catchy synth chords from Abba's 'Gimme Gimme Gimme'. A song perhaps only worthy of a pre-sixteen year old Britney Spears, it made me want to smack her head between two iron girders for daring to sing - at age 47 - "I'm hung up, I've got a crush on you."

Isn't it time to remove the leggings and leotards, let the face resume its natural posture southwards and instead spend some time at home with your two - sorry three - children? Maybe even remember what their middle names were/are?

Or, if you can't bear not being in the limelight with your triceps and weird Eva Braun hair-flick on show, at least move on with your music. No, I don't mean a sample from Meatloaf, Styx or Lubricated Goat, but a song that is more worthy of someone born in the 1950s. Hell, maybe even something totally original that might have something to say other than, "Hey Mr DJ put a record on I wanna dance with my baby...."

Get your flunky to ring Bono or Sting's flunky and arrange for the obscene monetary proceeds to be flung towards removing those lip plates from South American jungle dwellers or paying to keep that poor little toddler - and several thousand others - safely housed, loved, fed, educated and clothed in Malawi. The last thing that sad little third world sufferer needs is to be held up by his daytime nanny to see his 'Mom' via a video-linkage screen as she puts her ankles behind her ears to attract a camera close up.

The last thing this world needs is for a fifty-something Madonna to release her acid-pop-schlock version of 'Boom Boom boom let's go back to my room, where we can do it all night and you can make me feel right...' wearing nothing but a bucketful of botox and a tampon string....