Firstly, I've learnt that biting into a Cadbury's Creme Egg without ensuring that all of the foil wrapping is taken off really hurts. Hurts like a furious and frenetically-electrified ant has a tiny javelin that it's repeatedly stabbing into my fillings like a epileptic on a Red Bull overload.
Still, it's a small price to pay for getting my head - and, I suspect - my arse - on the telly. Likely to be tonight (Friday 6th) on Channel Nine's 'A Current Affair' at 6:30pm Aussie Eastern time. Or click here to see if it made their podcast thingy. It's supposed to be about the best paid work I've ever had, as a chocolate reviewer for the magnificent website, Chocablog. Look, somebody had to do it, so I decided to stand up and bravely offer my rather enthusiastic services.
A fair chunk of Monday was spent with Elise Mooney, Ben the camera man and Stan the sound guy as I pretended to shop for chocolate, offer recommendations, be interviewed, undergo a blindfolded taste test, tease the dog (sorry, Milly*), eat square after square after square of chocolate and pretend to write up a review on the laptop (the typing featured my now favourite random word 'fikdifkdiffkdiffuffkkidddki'), run on the treadmill to show that there's a hard price to pay for perennial piggyness and eventually escape up an alley-way to gorge myself on Creme Eggs.
Part-way through it was time to pick up Sapphire from school so I left the three 'A Current Affair' folk alone in my kitchen as they busied themselves snapping open blocks of Kit Kat, Toblerone, Lindt and Cadbury for Stan to record that perfect 'thock' sound of a row of chocolate (or three) being snapped off. Elise was also going to check with their legal department to see if it was permissable for me to state on national television that the Cadbury peppermint Dairy Milk block "Tastes like snot and should only be given to someone you hate."
Filming finished with me doing several laps of the neighbourhood so that Ben could attain the perfect light and camera angle before asking me to stand directly in front and say, "I've got the best job in the world."
Sapphire and I eventually waved them goodbye and settled in to eat - sorry, 'clean up' the huge bowl of broken, segmented chocolate used for the story.
"This is better than working for the Bulldog, isn't it Mum?"
* Poor dog. I mentioned that anyone who considers themselves Australian can recognise the familiar crackle of a packet of Tim Tams being opened, even the family dog. This might appear on the story as a voice over. On the day, we filmed Milly sitting peacefully in her beanbag whilst off-camera (and without being recorded) I called out, "Are you ready for a WALK, Mills?" She leapt out with eagerness, enthusiasm and trust so that Ben scored the perfect shot in one take. Several minutes of excited butt wriggling, jumping and barking later she flopped outside on the lawn in a sulk. Her Mum had lied to her......
....It's a good thing her memory only has a 21 second capacity for resentment.