2006 Melbourne International Film Festival - goody goody gumdrops!

The above event is only a few days away, and while I was eating my lunch the other day in the uni cafe, I flicked through a copy of the event program. After nearly choking from inhaling a cucumber slice and trickling tandoori sauce out of my nose, I decided it would be better for my fellow diners if I left the area and had a good cackle elsewhere.

I'm an apologetic dag, so if there's some pretentious piece of art, literature or film out there that looks, sounds and is crap, I'll be able to spot it, mock it and sock it. Here's a few pearlers found in the program today, no fibbing:

Taxidermia (Hungary/Austria/France) - The story starts with Vendel, a hair-lipped Hungarian orderly working in an isolated outpost who deals with loneliness and the constant browbeating from his superior by indulging in voyeurism.
Bless him, a man's got to have a hobby. And to think, he's single, yes single!

Avida (France) - When a deaf-mute dog handler's employer falls victim to his own paranoia, the dog handler is drawn into a scheme to kidnap an obese millionaire's canine.
Whoah, time to drag out the sleeping bag and be first in the queue for these tickets! Seriously, this 'work' sounds like a piece of dog handler's doo-doo if you ask me.

The Descent (UK) - A team of adrenaline-seeking women are trapped deep within an other-worldly cave where they face not only their own fears but a colony of flesh-eating sub-humans.
As you do.

C.R.A.Z.Y. (Canada) - Zac's mother believes that, like baby Jesus, he possesses the gift of healing - or so says the Tupperware lady anyway.
Wow, that sounds so kooky and hilarious, doesn't it, with about as much wit as Adam Sandler dropping a banana peel in a laminate factory.

McDull, the Alumni (Hong Kong) - The story of an under-achieving cartoon pig attending Flower of the Spring Field Kindergarten.
I'm not sure if this is aimed at drug-dependent adults or TV-deprived children. Or David Hasselhoff. Lord knows I don't want to be in a cinema with any of them.

Rampo Noir (Japan) - Details the relationship between a sexually sadistic woman and her husband, a deformed and limbless war veteran.
It's about time Mum and I had a lunch and movie date together - I'll get us a couple of tickets for this thigh-slapper.

And Lucky Last -

Last Supper (Austria) - Abendmhal is a beautiful, photochemical/materialist mediation on transubstantiation and corporeal transmogrification.
Who was the poonce who wrote this description? I want to bang their head between two bin lids - that's after I surgically remove it from their arse with a pair of BBQ tongs.