Fame and Fool = two words that seem to belong together

Gwyneth, loveypuss - you need to get those roots done. There's no point continuing your macro-biotic, veganistic, chakrah-aligning, yoga-lovin' lifestyle if you hair looks about as real as Pamela Anderson's.

Or is a homage to your new son, a black stripe left there to symbolise Moses parting the red (or, in this case, ash blonde) sea?

What a surprise, Ms Mariah - you're wearing some over-tight, slutty outfit designed to remind us all that you have legs, a gut, shoulders and a chest struggling with the enormity of your mammoth-sized mammaries.

At least said milk rack is under cover for a change, although you obviously thought you were too covered up without the ginormous slash under your right hooter. Will we ever see you in an outfit that fits? Or one that doesn't make you look like a prostitute circa 1987?

Now Julia, on the other hand, has reverted back to 1887. Breasts held firmly in check, body hidden under her great grandmother's tablecloth.

And the shoes.....?!!! What on earth are they - suede canoes?? Are the twins hiding in them? Did you pay your stylist to come up with an outfit designed to 'Frighten away anyone under the age of 70 and...... podiatrists.'

You're gorgeous, Julia - is that such a crime....

Speaking of crimes, it's appalling to think that everyone on earth knows who this creature is, and yet none of us know of the 5 million others just like her suffering in Sudan.

Nicole Richie - famous for being I don't know what exactly - is to be admired for possessing the strength to lift up a handbag twice her own body weight. It is unclear what she keeps in it (certainly not food) - maybe a spare pair of sunglasses.

Oh Matthew, Matthew Matthew. *Sigh*, at least he's not naked or playing the bongos. Or maybe he should be, instead of venturing out in his 'It's enough that I got out of bed, stuff getting dressed' ensemble. Ugg boots (on a man!) and pyjama bottoms - surely the effects of last night's weed doesn't mean that he still thinks he's in his own living room?

He's got his red-heeler (Aussie cattle dog, for my overseas lurkers) with him and they love a good scamper. I was not aware that $20 ugg boots provided the sort of athletic support required for a 10km power walk....

I may be a bit biased here, because apart from suffering through 'Herbie: ReLoaded' with my godson, I have absolutely no idea why Ms Firecrotch is famous, other than for sheer comedic value.

One website was proclaiming this outfit as a fashion masterpiece, but I suspect that they may have inhaled too deeply when Matthew McConnaughey shuffled by.

If any of us mere mortals wore this, people would smile on us patronisingly and awkwardly, thinking how nice it was that a girl from the sheltered workshop was allowed to go to the beach on her own.....

This human Crunchie bar is the sorta-super-model Eva Herizogova. The poor thing was rooted to the carpet because she was too terrified to step forward and inadvertently flash us her map'o'Tassie.

One does wonder how the original design request comes in: 'I want a backless, sideless, frontless and crotchless dress please. Oh and I'd like it to be colour of a golden shower - that'll really set a tasteful entrance at Cannes.'

Ah Heather: so Richie's shagging your old mate Denise and you're about to enter the fray of the divorce courts; but it's nice to see that you're getting out of the house now and then.

But this top? Love Honey Love - you're pushing fifty, no-one wants to see your china-painted face, scrawny plucked-chicken chest or every tendon in your neck. Why don't you quickly pop back inside and put on a polo neck and a sensible blazer and we'll forget this ever happened.